19 weeks, 21 to go!

For all of you concerned people out there, here are my feet, elevated above my heart...Yes, my swelling continues, only mild in the right foot and moderate in the left. I wear RaRa's compression stockings when I'm working about 12-14 hours until pain sets in...it helps. This picture was after a day off, so working doesn't make it worse.

This week, I've been feeling little light touches inside...no distinctive thumps but it's getting stronger. It's easiest to feel when I'm sitting straight up, after eating. But a few days ago, I felt it while standing, before lunch. When I feel it, I have a reassuring thought...you're alive in there, I tell the baby.

My background anxiety continues...I think of the next milestone...the big anatomy scan on 8/1, Wednesday @ 4:30pm...we hope to find out the sex, if the baby cooperates! Neither Mr. Tarheel nor I have had any dreams about what sex it is, so we'll be surprised. I've been working alot and this is the root of most of my anxiety...I work with sick babies. Like the car commercial, I go from calm to terror in 2.3 seconds when dealing with extreme prematurity, or genetic defects, and this week, we've had 2 deaths...which are rare. So I focus on doing what I can for the babies/families, I keep breathing in/out, and putting one foot in front of the other. I know my chance of having a healthy term baby is 98%. One thing is for sure, pregnancy is a temporary condition!

1:20,000

Today I got the integrated screen results and it wasn't just another "normal" it was "way better than normal", the equivalent of A++. The risks of a chromosomal abnormality is 1:20,000, which equals a 0.00005% chance. I'll sleep good tonight! Maybe I should buy a lotto ticket today too.

I took a belly picture...since I had to take it myself, I left my head out. Imagine my face with a big smile on it! This is me at 17 weeks pregnant...

For the last few days, I have gotten an organization bug. I've started cleaning out drawers, boxes, and throwing old junk away. I feel productive! I have to consolidate 2 closets into 1, so I'm cleaning out the one in the future nursery first. I'm a little supersticious, so we won't be officially calling it the nursery until September, the edge of viability. But dreams are forming for future crib purchases, themes, etc. Any ideas?

Don't worry, I still take my daily afternoon nap after lunch...resting up for my long work weekend of Friday & Sunday...both 25 hour shifts. Saturday will be an official sleep day!

A Healthy Dose of Denial

Coping with pregnancy is a new experience. I'm an old hat at coping with infertility...I'm an expert at waiting to become pregnant but actually being pregnant is so completely different. My #1 coping strategy so far has been denial. Now, I remember believing that denial was never good or appropriate. Over the years, I've learned that denial can be OK unless it keeps you from doing what you need to be doing. My denial is highest in the mornings because unless I see that side view of myself in the mirror, I feel like a heavier version of my non-pregnant self. Something or someone will break my denial bubble by bringing up something like "Congratulations, how far along are you?" or go to give me hug. I do a double take sometimes and think, wow, they are happy for Me. Then the old alibi of fear steps in, telling me "oh yes, you are pregnant now, but you don't know if you'll have a premature baby or a healthy one or tease me with negative thoughts of being an old 41 year old mother...". At this moment, I decide to take one day at a time and use more denial (I have a limitless amount) and after a little prayer, go on about my daily business!

Denial aside, I've updated the look of the blog and put a pregnancy ticker at the top. This was a big step for me and just a small way to decrease the denial and say, yes, you are 17 weeks pregnant today! When I saw the 161 days left, I threw some denial back on because that seems like such a long time from now!

Ice cream, snoring, & other random thoughts

Summer madness is here, the wonderful, beautiful Pacific Northwest summer. Amnesia ensues for everyone here, no thoughts about rain or gray days....just the beautiful, daily view of our Mt. Rainer. I'm feeling lucky because I have air conditioning and that means that I can sleep cool and only wake myself up from snoring. When your snoring wakes you up, you realize that you've heard a sound, but you're not sure at first what...is it someone trying to come in? Despite clear and open nasal passages all day, my nose is stuffy at night and poor Mr. Tarheel doesn't complain too much. He wakes me up sometimes with various descriptions of the sounds that I'm making and it's quite sweet except he thinks I having decreased oxygen or hypoxia...but I don't think so...what do you think? I told him that if he was so very worried that he could record my snoring and come with me to my next appointment and play it for Tracy to see if she thinks I should get a sleep apnea test....so we'll see.

I've developed a liking to a new favorite St*rb*cks drink...an orange creamsicle. You must try it, it's a frappacino and the best treat in the world. I have decided not to look up the nutritional information because I don't need any more guilt in my life.

Speaking of ice cream, I had ice cream for dinner tonight...mint chocolate chip..my favorite. I compromised with the slow, churned brand, 1/2 the fat. Mr. Tarheel was questioning the nutrition of such a dinner ...I read this week that one reason why your children like food that you like & eat is because the amniotic fluid is slightly flavored by the mother's diet. So I told Mr. Tarheel that the baby will like all foods hot & spicy (it must burn) and mint chocolate chip flavor! He shook his head...it must be hard to keep trying to understand a wild & crazy 40 year old pregnant woman.

More random thoughts....being 40 & pregnant...wow, never in my wildest dreams. I remember looking up what age I would be for the new millennium & feeling sad that I would be so old, in my 30's. It's a good thing that as you age, your concept of age changes. I do believe that if I was 30, this pregnancy wouldn't be as stressful on my body...but here I am. I feel good right now, just a little more tired than normal. Maybe that has something to do with my snoring...

Now, a note to the real Tarheel fans....only 4 months to basketball season. I hear your screaming already! I'm waiting and checking weekly for the release of the 07-08 roster/schedule. It usually comes out in August. Congrats to Brandan Wright...#8 overall in the NBA draft! Check out his story: http://tarheelblue.cstv.com/sports/m-baskbl/spec-rel/062807aab.html

That will be one lucky baby...to be able to start watching the Tarheels right after birth!

16 weeks, 3 days

The last week has passed mostly uneventfully. After work on Thursday, I'll be having the quad screen drawn and will find out the results early the next week. Only 3 weeks left until the anatomy screen and hopefully finding out the sex of the baby. That is so far down on my list, but it will be good to be able to say "he" or "she" instead of "the baby" or "it" to reference the baby. As time gets closer, I'm sure I'll have a crescendo of anxiety. I've seen the list put out by genetics to discuss various anomalies and pray that I won't be on any such list. I'm also not naive about getting all these "normal" reports and then after the fact, there is something wrong. When I do my own newborn exam on the baby, I'll have some reassurance then and only then. Now, I wait & trust!

I tried to take a picture of myself to show how pregnant I look. I kept deleting them b/c I actually hated how I looked. I have gained weight all over, not just in the stomach area. So unless you remember my pre- pregnancy body, it just looks like I've gained weight. But I know I have amnesty right now and actually don't worry too much about it. My stomach is firm and round and it is slowly getting bigger. It will be interesting as this unfolds. I'll write more again soon:)

I'm Normal

Today is Mr. Tarheel & my 13 year anniversary...where have all the years gone? It just seems like yesterday, we were young, footloose, & fancy-free. Yes, we were dumb & naive too & dirt poor, but I'm chosing to remember the great memories! Here's to many more years of wedded bliss!

My prenatal visit this week was another "normal". There I was, sitting in the office, waiting to go back, feeling like an imposter. There were "pregnant" women sitting all around me. Very pregnant women. They were smiling, & chatting, & reading magazines. I don't feel like a real pregnant woman yet. I get anxious as I'm driving to my appointment. I write down my questions, & review them in the waiting room. These aren't your normal questions, like how is everything going. These are questions like, when can we make sure the aorta is coming off the left ventricle and how common is a choriod plexus cyst. I'm trying not to have a OCD pregnancy, even though I fight a gravitational pull toward it. I've even missed a few days of my prenatal vitamin...

It goes like this...you check your urine for glucose/protein. I did mine twice, just to make sure. I weigh myself and they trust you to tell them, the truth. I gained 4 pounds in 5 weeks. Wow! The assistant takes you into the room..super nice girl named Eva. She takes your blood pressure...again, I'm looking at the dial and wondering how can she be so sure when she's letting the air out that fast? Tracy comes in...she's chatty & smiling. She answers all my questions, reassurringly. She gets the doppler and puts in down very low and the wonderful sound of a heart rate of 160 is pounding away. I think to myself, the baby is still alive! I write down her instructions on how to schedule my ultrasound...at 19 instead of 18 weeks so we can see that pesky pulmonary artery/aorta that I'm so insistent to see. She tells me, if they can't see it, we'll do another ultrasound later in pregnancy. I add, can they see the diaphragm then too? She says, Yes! I start breathing deeper. Next week is the quad screen...the second part of my integrated screen. I should hear by the following Monday/Tues. Ok, I say, I write these things down too. Then a break in the conversation happens and I say, I'm anxious about all this. She smiles and says, of course, everyone who works with sick babies has anxiety, you're NORMAL. I'm normal, I think? Ok, I repeat to myself as I leave, I'm normal!