I've been avoiding for quite some time something that I know I have to do.  It's writing my story.  See, it will be painful but there are some really good reasons to confront the pain.  I hope to gain a more balance view of the events.  I want others, especially Jack, to know some of the great things about his parents and not just the not so great things.

So, I will stop saying no to my heart and do what I need to do.

There's been lots of crying.  When I have a trigger, I have my go to coping...avoidance and denial.  Sometimes, I look the thought, event, memory in it's eyes, head on and do a stare down.  I search for the meaning, the significance.  I gleam a lesson.  I overcome.

I will try to smile more.  Not the fake one that I have perfected.  A real smile, from the heart.  

My healing heart.

tlb

Keep moving on!

Use caution when dealing with a broken heart.
It knows it will keep on beating after it has been shattered.
It can keep loving after it has been deceived.
It can move forward after it has been left behind.

Fear those who have survived a broken heart bc they know they can survive!

Time Out

Time out needed.  Yes, a time for cooling down, not trying to interpret another's intentions or reality and take a break.

So let's talk about sports. My Seahawks lost today.  Russell & company tried a brilliant comeback, but it was too late.  Boo hoo😥  But, it is Tarheel basketball conference time and Marcus Paige & company are looking so GOOD!  I've asked off for Final Four weekend bc we just might be there. 

Yes, it's possible for a Tarheel National Championship. Fingers & toes crossed😍

Sorry, yes

marcandangel.co

When a relationship fails, it is never only one person's fault.  This is my philosophy, at least.  I look back and process the deep regret of all the chances when I could have, should have, done something to change the trajectory of the outcome.  Maybe, it could have been changed.  I don't know. When I think of my part, I am flooded with regrets.  But, I know that I did my best and my best wasn't good enough.

There was a specific moment when C gave up on us, for good.  That moment was when he made his inappropriate, emotional attachment, physical. Sometimes, I do think it was way before that and he didn't have what it took to tell me.  I'll never know for sure and I tell myself that it doesn't matter.

But I am clear in my thinking and belief, that I would have never, and I mean NEVER, done to him what he did to me.  So for that, I do feel sorry for him with a compassion for someone who has to live with a mistake forever.   

C said, "We tried everything."  Well, no, I don't think so because I didn't understand that you didn't love me.  So no, we didn't try everything.   Direct communication, open and honest communication, would have helped me understand the gravity of your feelings.  Beating around the bush did not work in this situation.  At least not for me.  So now, our son, must suffer the consequences of this...so I feel most sorry for J. 

Fading Memories

When you live with someone over 20 years, there are so many day to day memories...the ins and outs of life.  Those memories are fading now after a year.  I've thought I should write down some of these before they have evaporated out of my long term memory.  There were so many good times but maybe J may want to know some of these details that will be insignificant soon.

In my mind's eye, I think of how C looked when he was shaving.  Starting on the side-burns and finishing up with the upstroke on the neck.  Then he would take the towel and wipe his neck and ears.  He would use another part of the towel to wipe off the counter top.

The way he wrote with his left hand, printing in capitals, forming the letters from the top.  The way his eyes looked when he was focusing.

The way he preferred his shirt tucked in, with a belt.  The way he liked his t-shirts folded.  The socks beside the bed, he did not like to sleep with socks on.  The brands he used, Pepsodent toothpaste, Pert shampoo, Listerine, Old Spice after shave, Q tips.  Placing used Q tips on a Kleenex and then throwing them away all together.

Specific brands...Irish cream creamer, Peet's coffee, pepperocini , black forest birthday cakes
Cooking...the martini Vesper, BBQ sauce, shepard's pie, Cobb salad.

Looking at maps, studying maps.

Missing the good parts of our time together tonight but my head tells me that I will have new great memories to make...my heart will always remember.....

Hello 2016!

Thinking & dreaming of my life for this year... No resolutions, just monthly goals. I thought of 2 categories, internal & external.  Doesn't sound very touchy, feely, huh?  

I am certain of one thing, things are looking up. 

More thought going into how to write about my 2015....I survived!

And, the Tarheels were preseason # 1!  Yes, I am requesting not to work for the Final Four.   It could be the year!!!