First Goal Achieved--28 weeks today!

Today is a good day...my first goal reached--28 weeks! Hip, hip, hooray! 95% survival!!!! Back in the middle of August when my BP first went up, I kept looking at today's date on the calendar, hoping & praying that Jack would not be born in September. Here it is the end of September and everything is stable...no signs of preeclampsia and acceptable BPs on higher labetalol and lots of sitting around.

My nephew Lance once said, as he was buckled in his car seat, "I'm stuck!". I don't have a choice but to be a cooperative, compliant patient but the energy required to stay sane is increasing. If my thoughts turn south, I know to call someone who is a positive force and even discussing a new recipe or a recent cold will divert my attention. Mr. Tarheel, who isn't a talker, calls several times a day from work and helps distract me & keeps up with my BP. My attention span is decreasing and I've stopped looking at the clock so much. It doesn't matter what time it is to me anymore, except to take my medication. I use the sun for that...sun comes up..take my pills, sun goes down, take my pills...

I'm sure this is just the beginning of putting Jack's needs before mine. He has lots more growing to do, so I wait as patiently as possible. I thought of starting a new countdown--to 37 weeks instead of 40...that takes 21 days off the ticker and seems much less emotionally...so here's to 63 days to go!

The Listening Skills of Tucker

Tucker, the big red dog, is a great listener. As I am constantly talking, he looks at me with his wrinkled brow and his eyes seem to understand what I'm saying. He can interpret Southern!

Let's go back to the beginning...when my precious, first-loved dog Scout died, I sub-consciously had no intentions of letting another dog get inside the deepest part of my heart ever again. Scout was my four-legged son and that's all there was to it. Even though almost 3 years have passed, it's a wound that is still there, rarely sharp, but a consistent dull ache. When Tucker walked into my life, I resisted a deep bond with him. Mr. Tarheel must have quietly sensed this, because he took care of Tucker most of the time.

Over the past year, my guard has slowly been let down as Tucker has not given up on helping me to unconditionally love him. He seeks me out for a pet and follows me around the house constantly. He will even interrupt his sprint for the neighbor's cat, if I tell him no. He makes me laugh with his whimsical faces. Yes, if he wants to go outside when I'm sleeping, I don't resist anymore or get irritated. I know he wouldn't make me go to the bathroom in the rain if our roles were reversed.

He has been truly excited about spending all this time with me. He will position himself beside the desk, so when I'm on the computer, I can rub him with my feet. He never complains about my naps and takes those opportunities to stretch out & rest his head on Mr. Tarheel's pillow. I've been telling him that our lives will be changing soon and he will be a big brother...& he appears to be listening!

27 weeks today--only 10 more to term!

Yesterday, we went for our ultrasound and appt with Dr. Tracy. Mr. Tarheel noted that I wasn't the least bit nervous this time (a first). I guessed Jack would weigh about 1100 grams--but his estimated weight is 1335 grams/2lb-15oz (81st%) and head circumference is 25.8cm(55%)! Mr. Tarheel (with a smirk on his face) said that we could have a 10 pound baby...but on the growth charts, this percentile at 40 weeks equals an 8lb baby (OK, bigger than my dream of 7lbs, but still OK)! In every category, we were put in the "normal" range with a comment of "borderline greater than expected growth since 8/24". I guess Jack did obey his mother and grow as fast as he could!

I shifted into "OCD pregnancy mode" as we walked over to the OB appt. After chit chatting with Mr. Tarheel, Tracy set me at ease by checking out all my concerns. First, she agreed that with mild activity, my BP was getting too high. I wanted to increase my daytime Labetalol dose and keep the same night time dose--so she agreed and let me feel in control! I was feeling cervical pressure over the last few days, so she checked that out and it was normal. She told me to start relaxing because Jack was going to survive but he was still a "big, wimpy, white boy"....this she had to interpret for Mr. Tarheel...he had never heard of big white baby boys not wanting to breath or eat like others their size/age. We all laughed & I was calm when I left the office. Now, that's a good visit--when you can leave calm!

Today is 27 weeks! Today's outcome data is 94% survival, with 85% without severe sequela! This week the survival % goes up 0.4% daily and the "without severe sequela" % goes up 1.5% daily....As these numbers improve, I do start to hope for more...to go home with us, no feeding problems...I'm feeling greedy!

Preseason Blue Ribbon Poll: UNC #1

The preseason predictions of success begin with the blue ribbon poll & the Tarheels are #1! We await the big boys (the ones that really count)...the AP & ESPN poll.

http://tarheelblue.cstv.com/sports/m-baskbl/spec-rel/091807aac.html

Excitement is building and the first game that Tarheel88 will be able to watch on TV is November 14th at Davidson on ESPN. Only 53 days away! Now we have 2 countdowns going on!

Random Thoughts of Boredom

Yes, I believe I can officially call myself bored. There are levels to everything and the degree of boredom that I'm feeling has reached a deeper level. I think I will look back at this time and wish for a lazy afternoon with no agenda and no fatigue. Too much of any one thing isn't balanced...even resting. So here are some random activities/thoughts of the day:

1. Today I read letters between Mr. Tarheel & I written back in 1994, while he was in Haiti serving Uncle Sam. Wow, just married and young in love...it was refreshing. Time passed: 1 1/2 hours.
   
2. Today, I organized all the needlepoint pillow cases that my precious, recently passed away Aunt Kat made for me--keepsake treasures! Time passed: 30 minutes.
3. I wrote a letter to an old friend's mother, who will never be in computer land and always gives me handmade birthday gifts. I was on a roll and wrote another letter to an aunt to send with a pillow, which was made by her mother over 19 years ago. Her mother has passed away and I thought she would love to have this pillow, instead of me keeping it stored in a closet. Letter writing is a long lost art! Time passed: 1 hour.
4. I watched the channel Equator and saw 9 mountain lions hunt/kill a wildabeest...dramatic but real life footage. My obsession with the weather reached an all-time height today when I noticed that during the morning forecast, today's high was decreased 3 times! Time passed: 1 hour.
5. Mr. Tarheel sensed my anxiety about the new dishwasher not being completely installed even though I have lots of time to wash dishes. He obliged me and finished it and it is 100% level! I read the new manual to him aloud and he laughed as I read the section on "How to load for maximum efficiency". Time passed: 1 hour.
6. Daytime Mariners vs. A's--(we swept them!) & crotcheting. Time passed: 2 hours.
7. Reading & nap. Time passed: 1 1/2 hours.
8. Joined a Surviver pool...read all the new Survivor contestant bios. Time passed 15 minutes.

So this is only a total of about 9 hours....Oh yes, I did my kick count, dutifully cooked my oatmeal, took my BP, did some laundry, talked on the phone to my regulars--April & Alayne, and sat in the sun while watering the cows...I guess from this list, I'm staying very busy!

All Smiles at 26 weeks!

As interesting of a person that I am :), sometimes it's difficult to write something here worth reading. Sometimes, it reads blah, blah, blah, blah, blah....but I know that you're all VERY happy that I'm 26 WEEKS TODAY! Now, 26 weeks if one of those in-between weeks but we have to trudge through it to reach our ultimate goal of a full-term baby on December 1st! Some of you may have guessed, that Mr. Tarheel & I are memorizing PMG outcome data based on weeks gestation and birth weight. Don't give me grief, Mr. Tarheel is making an A+ in the class that I am teaching him on Introduction to High Risk Pregnancy! I don't even have to look it up, I know that survival today is 91% and without severe sequelae is 77%....& every day, it goes up! This sounds like I think he's going to be born soon, which really, I don't. If I feel stressed inside, I keep repeating, "Grow Jack, grow" & it helps me calm down! Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want Jack to come out weighing 10 lbs, but a respectable 7 lbs will be fine with me!

I had my first delivery dream last night. It wasn't a nightmare b/c Jack was born full-term. In the dream, I was at home & labor started but I had to wait for Mr. Tarheel to come home to take me to Swedish. It wasn't very long in the dream, but before he arrived, my contractions were so close, I called 911. The ambulance arrived shortly after Chris did and they told me that there's not enough time to get me to Swedish. They took me to Enumclaw hospital, which is 5 minutes away and I had Jack in the ER. I remember that I was so proud to tell everyone that I had natural childbirth! The funny thing is, I have zero intentions to have natural childbirth, but you hear of these situations, when the person doesn't have a choice. When I woke up, I couldn't remember what Jack's face looked like. Maybe, I'll finish the dream tonight!

Waiting for the Other Side

The sun rises, the sun sets, and another day of this pregnancy passes....yes, my mind is going places today. Places in the past, like back in 1996 when we first "tried" to have a baby...now that's 132 months of waiting, 3872 days passing, now hopefully only about a 100 left to go. The dream of having a baby was with me for all those days. Sometimes dreams become realities with determination, patience, persistence, and the intestinal fortitude to keep searching for an achievable way to reach your dream. My dream is happening...each day brings us closer to meeting Jack...oh, what a day it will be!

It's helps for me to see what people are like "on the other side" of infertility/loss. I see smiles and a deep appreciation of the blessings of children. The same qualities that helped them through the dark days trying to have a baby, helps them in their new life as parents. Here's a video called Seasons made by some wonderful parents for the International Infertility Film Festival: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_rwQ4FuyBCo
Luckily, the seasons of our life have brought Mr. Tarheel & I closer...we'll be on the other side soon.

Another Circle Around the Sun

Wow, another circle around the sun has been completed for Tarheel 88. Yes, 9/7/07 was my 41st birthday--a little anti-climatic after last year! Have you ever noticed that when someone is in their 30's, they are still likely to tell you their upcoming age when they talk about their birthday? It becomes less likely as you progress in your 40's, I think.

Mr. Tarheel made sure I had my favorite cake--carrot cake from Black Diamond Bakery...here I am, blowing out my 1 instead of 41 candles! I didn't want to create a fire hazard...Notice the beautiful flowers in the background...sent to me from the best NNPs in the world--Kim, Deb, Heather, Alison, Sandy, Cheryl, Susanne, and Traci.

It was a celebration also to learn that my PIH panel and gestational diabetes tests were normal. Now, the call from Devin, Dr. Tracy's assistant, goes like this...

Ring, Ring..

Tarheel88: hello

Devin: Hi, your labs are normal...Dr. Tracy says keep up the good work and see you on the 21st.

Tarheel88: Now, what was my glucose?

Devin: 100--we like it to be under 140.

Tarheel88: Wow, pancreas of steel! Now what was my creatinine? GFR? Uric Acid? Hct?

Devin: 0.6, >60, 4.6, 36%...all normal. Would you like me to fax you the results?

Tarheel88: No, that's OK, you said they were all completely normal? Did any of them change from last time? I mean, you know how they can still be normal but getting worse....but still officially in the normal range?

Devin: YES, all were COMPLETELY NORMAL--in the NORMAL RANGE (emphasis added)!

I must get her some chocolate before this is over!

If I Can't be Normal, I'll Settle for Stable

Yesterday was an appt with Dr. Tracy...I had my 3 pages of BP readings and she was happy with the numbers. Today, I'll find out the results of the sugar test for gestational diabetes and the PIH panel...the labs to see if I'm developing pre-eclampsia. Dr. Tracy was all smiles and said that she doesn't think I'll be getting pre-eclampsia in the next few weeks. YIPPEE, things are stable....if I can't be "normal", I'll settle for stable.

Dr. Tracy said that I could slowly increase my activity and monitor my BP...& to call in if it reaches 160/100 (scary numbers for me) and she will increase the labetalol. This is a N=1 non-randomized study to see if I "may" be able to get back to work during the pregnancy. I love all the advice that I'm getting (really) and no one wants to hear about me coming back to work anytime soon. After 10 years of waiting and hoping and over 40K of hard-earned money spent, don't worry, I won't come back unless my BP is normal & it's 100% safe!

Next appointment will be in 2 weeks, 9/21 and we'll have another growth ultrasound then. Mr. Jack is measuring big right now and for some reason, has kept me up over an hour during the night for the past 2 nights. I tell him that it's night time but even as a fetus, he has a mind of his own. I can't complain, it's what I've waited for and I can sleep late if I want to!

Ways to Pass Time

I'll bet some of you are wondering what am I doing with all this free time. I do wish that I had one of these lazy days in the middle of my former hectic life instead of under these circumstances....but here is a list of some of the highlights of my days:

1. I'm cooking Quaker oats almost every morning for breakfast and eating it with fresh sliced peaches. The cooking is one new thing..before, when I ate instant oatmeal, I was always busy doing something while I ate. Now, I'm enjoying the taste of real oats and I've learned how to recognize a ripe peach by the feel/smell of it.
2. Since we're talking about cooking...using Mr. Tarheel's mother's cookbook, I made homemade baked macaroni and cheese. Suffice it to say, my cooking needs more work and the dish needs salt in it. I get an A for effort.
3. I'm reading 2 books at once...now you may ask, Why? They are Charles Dickens' Bleak House and Anthony Bourdain's Kitchen Confidential. Both excellent but very different books and going back & forth during the day helps keep me reading, thus, passing more time.
4. Crocheting Jack's Baby Blanket...now any of you who have seen my crocheting will be impressed that I actually have straight rows that are the same length...I've come a long way. Mr. Tarheel picked out the yarn & it's a nice dark red.
5. Cow watching: Big Red, the bull came over for his yearly visit. Previously, I felt like the bull was in control, but now that I can recognize the nuances of bovine mating behavior, I know that the lady cows are 100% in control! Winston, our steer, developed a limp and wheezing...when the vet came over, he diagnosed hoof rot and pneumonia. Winston had to be sedated for his treatment and as a sitting by-stander, I'm glad that I work in a more controlled, clean environment!
6. Sleeping: Both high BP and labetalol make me sleepy, so at least one nap is necessary every day. I needed a morning and an afternoon nap until I slowly trained myself not to wake up at 0500 anymore. I've never been a late sleeper, but I've actually slept until 0800 a few times!
7. Watching TV & movies: Now, I'm interested in the weather, watching the weather, talking about the weather, and realizing that the forecast is their educated guess and I need to get a life if I'm telling people how the forecast was wrong for over half of last week. Watching the Mariners is difficult when they're losing...but I still turn it back during the commercials of whatever I move on to watch. I have UNC basketball games recorded from last season and I watch my Heels sometimes...only a little over 2 months until the new season starts! A new favorite show is Ninja Warrior...a Japanese obstacle course show with sub-titles.
8. Talking & emailing to lots of family & friends who are helping me pass this time...growing Jack!

One Hurdle Jumped: 24 weeks today

Today is 24 weeks...I don't exhale, relax, or think...yes, we've made it! But it is a milestone that I'm grateful to reach, at home. For all of you in neonatal land, you know what I'm talking about. For the others...until today, there was a 0% chance for Jack to be born & survive. Now this is a chance, albeit a small one, that if he was born, he could survive with maximum intervention. This "maximum intervention" is part of my job and I am intimately aware of the journey. Intimately aware, but not emotionally aware, because I have never stood by the bed of my own precious premature baby, feeling what I have observed so many times. When it's your job, you can & must compartmentalize it, so you can go back day after day, year after year and help where it is in your realm to help. When my mind goes there, terror seizes my heart and I leave that place as quickly as I can, talking to Jack & telling him that I will do everything in my power for him to be born in December, full-term!

Don't get me wrong, it's not easy to sit here, waiting. Yes, I fill the hours with semi-productive activities, especially sleep. I don't dwell too much on the future, just today. Mr. Tarheel is a big help, spending all his non-work, non-sleeping hours creating little mental diversions to distract me. He has told me the history of the Spartan/Persian war with a side discussion of using terrain to your advantage in battle. Then we watched the movie 300 and I actually liked it. We sit and watch the cows each day and here he told me the history of the development of the black and red Angus breeds in England and I had no idea he knew all this. We talk about where we want to travel and where will be the best places to take Jack at different ages. We agree that a toddler shouldn't and won't go on an 18 hour plane trip! We discuss parenting and I'm in awe of his introspection about what it takes to be a good parent. We wait together....for Jack.