Keep Trying

Once in a while, you stumble upon something and wonder if it is a random coincidence or if the event was orchestrated by God.  Finding this quote on a card in the woods was one such occurrence.  It's a good mantra spoken by the famous football coach, Lou Holtz.  We will all fail at this over and over again.  But it doesn't mean we should stop trying.  Forgive yourself and start over.

Surprise Memory

It's a good feeling to remember the good memories.  And, oh, how there are so many good places to go in my mind.  I stay there sometimes for awhile before the inevitable questions come up...you know the ones like, was he really happy that day or was it a cover-up.  I dismiss those quickly and focus on the fact that I was happy in that happy memory moment.

Here's Jack sleeping & notice his left hand in his waistband.  That's how C slept a lot & I hadn't thought of this in months.  This is a good memory, just a simple way that a person is.  

The Agony of a Drop Off

There are times when I try very hard to put myself in Jack's shoes.  I know it is my perception of his shoes, his life, but I so want to see the world through his eyes so I can be the best Mom possible.  One such moment happens when he is being brought from Dad's house to mine.  

A couple of days ago, this is how it went.  He walks up slowly & I say hello, it's good to see you.  His response was hi.  Dad hands me a few things, the violin & books.  Jack gets distracted by some dry leaves on the ground.  Us adults exchange some bits of important co-parenting info.  Then comes the awkward moment when the 'non-residential' parent says good-bye.  

Jack sat down on Dad's foot and wrapped his arms around his leg & said, Daddy, stay here with us.  Exhale.  My eyes perform on cue to the stab of all that has been lost for Jack, they fill up with tears.  Dad looked over briefly and said, no I have to leave and you are staying here with Mama.  So Jack let go and stood up, looking down.  Dad reached out and scratched Jack's head.  Dad said I love you and have fun.  Jack, looking sad, quietly said I love you too and starting picking up the dry leaves and crushing them.  Dad looked back at me.  I silently held the eye contact, making sure not to be the first one to look away.  He walked away and didn't look back.

I stood there breathing in and out for a couple of minutes while Jack crushed every leaf.  I asked God for wisdom.  The tears dried up and I said, without a crack in my voice, let's go get in the hot tub.  So he jumped up with an emphatic yes and ran inside ahead of me.

What must it be like to always miss one parent while you are with the other one?   I believe we were a good parenting team, balancing each other.  Now, it's one or the other.  But he does have resilience and I'm praying for the effects to have a low price tag.

Amputation

My Dad recently lost blood flow to his right foot & the vascular surgeon could only open up the vessel to the mid-calf.  My Dad's foot started dying so to save his life from infection, his foot had to be amputated.  What a blow!  

He's doing great now physically & emotionally!  He's in a rehab center, doing therapy 3 X a day.  He will get a prosthetic leg but his stump must heal completely before he can walk on it.  He can move himself from the bed to his wheelchair on his own & getting stronger.  I miss him but hope to visit around the holidays.  He will be home by them.

My amputation was emotional, I still have both legs & arms.  My stump is healing but not ready yet to bear weight.  I am finding inspiration to write about my journey.