Bye Bye Needles

The shots are over! Yip, Yip, Hoorah! After 85 days of needles with the last 51 being in the muscle (a literal pain in the a--), the shots are over. The sticky estrogen patches are off now too! My progesterone level today was 24.4--another Normal! What a relief...I went in for my first OB visit with Tracy this week...what a calm doctor she is. That's a whole post in itself, but I'll be having the integrated screen, which will be another ultrasound on 6/4 for nuchal thickness and a blood draw. They use this information, along with the quad screen later to determine risks for trisomy 21 & 18. With a 27 year old egg, the theoretical risk of trisomy 21 is 1: 1,150.

10 weeks today:)

Another Normal Report

It's been awhile...the Alaskan cruise was wonderful and I mostly enjoyed sleeping whenever I was tired. On Monday, we had another ultrasound at 9w2d and the 12 hours before were nail biters. I had spotting the night before, so I had lots of sleepless black thoughts going through my mind. Dr. Lin, came in & I told him, and he had a classic flat affect before the ultrasound. The first image was the heart beating---175 beats/min. The growth was normal and he said congratulations, aren't you excited? I guess I didn't look excited but did feel a ton of relief. Then I had that pesky thought that I have regularly as an infertile in a fertile world...you just don't get it! So I said, "When I see a live baby come out of me, I'll be excited." Silence. Mr. Tarheel broke the silence by asking about the chance of miscarriage...now 5% since normal growth is established. I know this is a step in the right direction, so of course I'm excited. But when your heart has been run over several times by an 18 wheeler, you just don't play chicken on the freeway!

70 Shots So Far

It's been a busy work week and prep for vacation next week. Mr. Tarheel, his parents, & some other family will be joining me on my first Alaskan cruise! I'm looking forward to no pager, no errands, no mowing, just beautiful scenery, good food, and to sleep whenever I want to. Yesterday at work, I was so tired after lunch that I said that I would rather get a beating than stay awake...now that shows a real Southerner talking! I stayed awake and like always, did my best, came home and went straight to bed.

My hips are getting pretty sore from the shots...Mr. Tarheel is counting them down with me...mainly b/c he has to wake up each morning in the middle of his sleep to give them to me. He doesn't mind, he says, but I would be a little irritated if I had to wake up in the middle of my sleep to give him a shot every day. We have 16 more to go....70 so far....

The next ultrasound in May 21, the day after our cruise ends....I'm 7w 5 d now & I'll be 9w 2d then. Fingers are crossed and prayers are constant to hear "normal" again...I won't write again until after the ultrasound b/c I won't be paying to use an internet on vacation:) I'm sure you understand...

Surprise of the night....Mr. Tarheel's parents arrive this afternoon and we haven't told them anything yet but we'll be telling them today....they will be VERY surprised!

A Beating Heart

Yesterday was our first ultrasound, at 6w5d. I counted down the 10 days from the last level. Mr. Tarheel & I jokingly told each other that we will be pregnant at least until Thursday. Dr. Thyer came in & we hadn't met her before. She said she was concerned about what we would find after reviewing my levels. On the inside, I was thinking, yeah, right, so am I...get on with it. The first image was the yolk sac, shaped interestingly like an egg...she zoomed in and said, we have an embryo with a beating heart! Let's measure...the measurement was 6w4d with a +- 5 day accurracy. I exhaled! She dopplered the heart rate...at 125--normal! She said if the initial levels had been normal, she would release me to the OB but since they weren't, let's monitor the growth in 2-3 weeks. Then quiet, reserved Mr. Tarheel & Dr. Thyer start talking/telling stories about kayaking and I know that he is super happy, b/c that's when he's the most talkative. You really know your spouse when you've been married 13 years! I loved calling my fan club with good news...YIPPEE.

I thought it through, I have been infertile for 10 years...that's 1/4 of my life...this is really going to be the change that I've been waiting for!

Another Broken Heart

Why, Why, Why, I scream inside...my sister Robin's level on Monday did not go up appropriately. One of the few times in life when I could say, "I know how you feel". When my 2nd level didn't go up very much, I thought this pregnancy wouldn't be healthy. Yesterday brought bad news, her level actually went down. This signals miscarriage and is so unfair. What do you say? No words can take away the searing knife in your heart and the sadness that spills out...I can't BE there to give her a hug:(

I revisit my losses, remembering the vivid details of each one, despite the years that have passed. The time period is cloaked with gray, a constant sadness, longing, and depression. It wasn't always a valley, but the valley was there in my heart. Time moves on and we process overwhelming things very slowly, like eating an elephant...one bite at a time. We don't know how it turns out here on earth, so we keep putting one foot in front of the other, sometimes faster than other times. We walk toward a very small flicker of light, the flicker of hope....

On our journey, we always have our Maker holding one hand, helping us along. The other hand is for our earthly helpers; different people who encourage us, listen, and are there to help to divide our pain and make it bearable.

Robin, take my hand, I'll help you along....