The Agony of a Drop Off

There are times when I try very hard to put myself in Jack's shoes.  I know it is my perception of his shoes, his life, but I so want to see the world through his eyes so I can be the best Mom possible.  One such moment happens when he is being brought from Dad's house to mine.  

A couple of days ago, this is how it went.  He walks up slowly & I say hello, it's good to see you.  His response was hi.  Dad hands me a few things, the violin & books.  Jack gets distracted by some dry leaves on the ground.  Us adults exchange some bits of important co-parenting info.  Then comes the awkward moment when the 'non-residential' parent says good-bye.  

Jack sat down on Dad's foot and wrapped his arms around his leg & said, Daddy, stay here with us.  Exhale.  My eyes perform on cue to the stab of all that has been lost for Jack, they fill up with tears.  Dad looked over briefly and said, no I have to leave and you are staying here with Mama.  So Jack let go and stood up, looking down.  Dad reached out and scratched Jack's head.  Dad said I love you and have fun.  Jack, looking sad, quietly said I love you too and starting picking up the dry leaves and crushing them.  Dad looked back at me.  I silently held the eye contact, making sure not to be the first one to look away.  He walked away and didn't look back.

I stood there breathing in and out for a couple of minutes while Jack crushed every leaf.  I asked God for wisdom.  The tears dried up and I said, without a crack in my voice, let's go get in the hot tub.  So he jumped up with an emphatic yes and ran inside ahead of me.

What must it be like to always miss one parent while you are with the other one?   I believe we were a good parenting team, balancing each other.  Now, it's one or the other.  But he does have resilience and I'm praying for the effects to have a low price tag.