Spring 2021

 It's a sunny, spring day in the PNW.  The kind where the morning haze whispers, "wait and see the glory behind me".  The sun begins peaking out in the early afternoon and a soft wind moves the clouds away.  The sun in all her glory shines brightly by the time the school buses are taking the children home.  Today, I decided to plant some flowers.  Yes, some geraniums and petunias will flourish in my door-side pots.  The old green spike in the middle, is left over, now for the third year.  The soil is dark, mysterious, and little known to me, is filled with the roots of last year.  I dig, cut, pull to clear room for the new flowers.  A bead of sweat rolls down my forehead.  I wipe it with my forearm.  I arrange the new ones around the spikes and decide which one will go where.  I step back to view the symmetry and make some adjustments.  I pull the bag of fresh, dark potting soil from the garage.  There is fertilization going on across the street, in the hay pasture.  The dairy cows will love the luscious, dark green grass that will appear in a few weeks.   For now, my nostrils are filled with the pungent smell of manure being sprayed onto the short grass.  My mind moves to another idea and the smell seems to dissipate.

It's not supposed to be this way, I think.  Oh no, another internal argument commences.  But, it IS this way, how many times do I have to tell you?  My mind races to what I used to believe to be true...which is not all true anymore.  Control..why do I want, need it, so bad?  I tell myself, SELF, you have worked through this a million times before.  When someone feels out of control, the natural reaction, is to want control.  I breath in, out, slowly.  I feel the dirt in my hands, through the gardening gloves.  You are OK.  You are doing everything that you know to do the next right thing.  I smile.  I envision my inner child comforting my outer child.  A quote from the movie, The Help, flashes into my mind.  The "help", Aibileen Clark is talking to Mae Mobley, the little girl.  

You is kind.

You is smart.

You is important.