Happy, yes!

Moving on with grace is a IG kindred spirit.  We are on parallel courses.  At first, I resented those who looked happy. I told myself, maybe they are in denial about their life or getting ready to be blindsided by the "I'm not happy" speech.  There were no grins or chuckles.  I wasn't the chatty, bubbly person that I had been.  

Then, I forced myself to smile occasionally but only when Jack was directly looking at me.  I'm sure the lips may have been slightly upturned but the eyes weren't in agreement.  I would turn away, out of his sight, before each tear drop fell.  I pretended, for him.  Fake happiness is like silk flowers, no fragrance to enjoy.

Then one day, I spontaneously responded to something funny at work.  I laughed. Everyone turned & smiled at me.  I smiled back before the pain crept in again.  Several people told me that it was good to see me smile.

More time passed. Here & there, for a second, then a minute or two. I could forget & be happy in the moment.  But it can't be forced.  It just has to happen.

Today, I told a joke with all the witty twists & turns that made all who listened roar.  I let out an open mouth belly laugh.  It was pure joy.  A coworker said it was good to have the old Teresa back.

But the old Teresa will never come back.  But the new stronger me is fighting for more of those moments of happiness.  Yes, I think it's time to be happy again.