19 weeks, 21 to go!

For all of you concerned people out there, here are my feet, elevated above my heart...Yes, my swelling continues, only mild in the right foot and moderate in the left. I wear RaRa's compression stockings when I'm working about 12-14 hours until pain sets in...it helps. This picture was after a day off, so working doesn't make it worse.

This week, I've been feeling little light touches inside...no distinctive thumps but it's getting stronger. It's easiest to feel when I'm sitting straight up, after eating. But a few days ago, I felt it while standing, before lunch. When I feel it, I have a reassuring thought...you're alive in there, I tell the baby.

My background anxiety continues...I think of the next milestone...the big anatomy scan on 8/1, Wednesday @ 4:30pm...we hope to find out the sex, if the baby cooperates! Neither Mr. Tarheel nor I have had any dreams about what sex it is, so we'll be surprised. I've been working alot and this is the root of most of my anxiety...I work with sick babies. Like the car commercial, I go from calm to terror in 2.3 seconds when dealing with extreme prematurity, or genetic defects, and this week, we've had 2 deaths...which are rare. So I focus on doing what I can for the babies/families, I keep breathing in/out, and putting one foot in front of the other. I know my chance of having a healthy term baby is 98%. One thing is for sure, pregnancy is a temporary condition!

1:20,000

Today I got the integrated screen results and it wasn't just another "normal" it was "way better than normal", the equivalent of A++. The risks of a chromosomal abnormality is 1:20,000, which equals a 0.00005% chance. I'll sleep good tonight! Maybe I should buy a lotto ticket today too.

I took a belly picture...since I had to take it myself, I left my head out. Imagine my face with a big smile on it! This is me at 17 weeks pregnant...

For the last few days, I have gotten an organization bug. I've started cleaning out drawers, boxes, and throwing old junk away. I feel productive! I have to consolidate 2 closets into 1, so I'm cleaning out the one in the future nursery first. I'm a little supersticious, so we won't be officially calling it the nursery until September, the edge of viability. But dreams are forming for future crib purchases, themes, etc. Any ideas?

Don't worry, I still take my daily afternoon nap after lunch...resting up for my long work weekend of Friday & Sunday...both 25 hour shifts. Saturday will be an official sleep day!

A Healthy Dose of Denial

Coping with pregnancy is a new experience. I'm an old hat at coping with infertility...I'm an expert at waiting to become pregnant but actually being pregnant is so completely different. My #1 coping strategy so far has been denial. Now, I remember believing that denial was never good or appropriate. Over the years, I've learned that denial can be OK unless it keeps you from doing what you need to be doing. My denial is highest in the mornings because unless I see that side view of myself in the mirror, I feel like a heavier version of my non-pregnant self. Something or someone will break my denial bubble by bringing up something like "Congratulations, how far along are you?" or go to give me hug. I do a double take sometimes and think, wow, they are happy for Me. Then the old alibi of fear steps in, telling me "oh yes, you are pregnant now, but you don't know if you'll have a premature baby or a healthy one or tease me with negative thoughts of being an old 41 year old mother...". At this moment, I decide to take one day at a time and use more denial (I have a limitless amount) and after a little prayer, go on about my daily business!

Denial aside, I've updated the look of the blog and put a pregnancy ticker at the top. This was a big step for me and just a small way to decrease the denial and say, yes, you are 17 weeks pregnant today! When I saw the 161 days left, I threw some denial back on because that seems like such a long time from now!

Ice cream, snoring, & other random thoughts

Summer madness is here, the wonderful, beautiful Pacific Northwest summer. Amnesia ensues for everyone here, no thoughts about rain or gray days....just the beautiful, daily view of our Mt. Rainer. I'm feeling lucky because I have air conditioning and that means that I can sleep cool and only wake myself up from snoring. When your snoring wakes you up, you realize that you've heard a sound, but you're not sure at first what...is it someone trying to come in? Despite clear and open nasal passages all day, my nose is stuffy at night and poor Mr. Tarheel doesn't complain too much. He wakes me up sometimes with various descriptions of the sounds that I'm making and it's quite sweet except he thinks I having decreased oxygen or hypoxia...but I don't think so...what do you think? I told him that if he was so very worried that he could record my snoring and come with me to my next appointment and play it for Tracy to see if she thinks I should get a sleep apnea test....so we'll see.

I've developed a liking to a new favorite St*rb*cks drink...an orange creamsicle. You must try it, it's a frappacino and the best treat in the world. I have decided not to look up the nutritional information because I don't need any more guilt in my life.

Speaking of ice cream, I had ice cream for dinner tonight...mint chocolate chip..my favorite. I compromised with the slow, churned brand, 1/2 the fat. Mr. Tarheel was questioning the nutrition of such a dinner ...I read this week that one reason why your children like food that you like & eat is because the amniotic fluid is slightly flavored by the mother's diet. So I told Mr. Tarheel that the baby will like all foods hot & spicy (it must burn) and mint chocolate chip flavor! He shook his head...it must be hard to keep trying to understand a wild & crazy 40 year old pregnant woman.

More random thoughts....being 40 & pregnant...wow, never in my wildest dreams. I remember looking up what age I would be for the new millennium & feeling sad that I would be so old, in my 30's. It's a good thing that as you age, your concept of age changes. I do believe that if I was 30, this pregnancy wouldn't be as stressful on my body...but here I am. I feel good right now, just a little more tired than normal. Maybe that has something to do with my snoring...

Now, a note to the real Tarheel fans....only 4 months to basketball season. I hear your screaming already! I'm waiting and checking weekly for the release of the 07-08 roster/schedule. It usually comes out in August. Congrats to Brandan Wright...#8 overall in the NBA draft! Check out his story: http://tarheelblue.cstv.com/sports/m-baskbl/spec-rel/062807aab.html

That will be one lucky baby...to be able to start watching the Tarheels right after birth!

16 weeks, 3 days

The last week has passed mostly uneventfully. After work on Thursday, I'll be having the quad screen drawn and will find out the results early the next week. Only 3 weeks left until the anatomy screen and hopefully finding out the sex of the baby. That is so far down on my list, but it will be good to be able to say "he" or "she" instead of "the baby" or "it" to reference the baby. As time gets closer, I'm sure I'll have a crescendo of anxiety. I've seen the list put out by genetics to discuss various anomalies and pray that I won't be on any such list. I'm also not naive about getting all these "normal" reports and then after the fact, there is something wrong. When I do my own newborn exam on the baby, I'll have some reassurance then and only then. Now, I wait & trust!

I tried to take a picture of myself to show how pregnant I look. I kept deleting them b/c I actually hated how I looked. I have gained weight all over, not just in the stomach area. So unless you remember my pre- pregnancy body, it just looks like I've gained weight. But I know I have amnesty right now and actually don't worry too much about it. My stomach is firm and round and it is slowly getting bigger. It will be interesting as this unfolds. I'll write more again soon:)

I'm Normal

Today is Mr. Tarheel & my 13 year anniversary...where have all the years gone? It just seems like yesterday, we were young, footloose, & fancy-free. Yes, we were dumb & naive too & dirt poor, but I'm chosing to remember the great memories! Here's to many more years of wedded bliss!

My prenatal visit this week was another "normal". There I was, sitting in the office, waiting to go back, feeling like an imposter. There were "pregnant" women sitting all around me. Very pregnant women. They were smiling, & chatting, & reading magazines. I don't feel like a real pregnant woman yet. I get anxious as I'm driving to my appointment. I write down my questions, & review them in the waiting room. These aren't your normal questions, like how is everything going. These are questions like, when can we make sure the aorta is coming off the left ventricle and how common is a choriod plexus cyst. I'm trying not to have a OCD pregnancy, even though I fight a gravitational pull toward it. I've even missed a few days of my prenatal vitamin...

It goes like this...you check your urine for glucose/protein. I did mine twice, just to make sure. I weigh myself and they trust you to tell them, the truth. I gained 4 pounds in 5 weeks. Wow! The assistant takes you into the room..super nice girl named Eva. She takes your blood pressure...again, I'm looking at the dial and wondering how can she be so sure when she's letting the air out that fast? Tracy comes in...she's chatty & smiling. She answers all my questions, reassurringly. She gets the doppler and puts in down very low and the wonderful sound of a heart rate of 160 is pounding away. I think to myself, the baby is still alive! I write down her instructions on how to schedule my ultrasound...at 19 instead of 18 weeks so we can see that pesky pulmonary artery/aorta that I'm so insistent to see. She tells me, if they can't see it, we'll do another ultrasound later in pregnancy. I add, can they see the diaphragm then too? She says, Yes! I start breathing deeper. Next week is the quad screen...the second part of my integrated screen. I should hear by the following Monday/Tues. Ok, I say, I write these things down too. Then a break in the conversation happens and I say, I'm anxious about all this. She smiles and says, of course, everyone who works with sick babies has anxiety, you're NORMAL. I'm normal, I think? Ok, I repeat to myself as I leave, I'm normal!

14 weeks 5 days :)

A month has passed and I am still pregnant....I say that over & over to convince myself. Denial is a strong coping mechanism! The nausea is gone now and I feel like I recovered from a bout of the flu that lasted 6 weeks. My nuchal thickness was normal (another normal...it's beginning to sound more familiar) and I had all my pregnancy lab work drawn. I tried to convince them that I did not need my blood type drawn b/c the donor is A+, but they insisted...it doesn't matter what my blood type is, duh! My feet are beginning to swell, left greater than right but my BP is still good. Next doctor's appt is Monday, July 2...Mr. Tarheel is planning to go so he can meet Tracy. I had a nice visit back home to NC and loved seeing everyone. My next visit will be when I'm on maternity leave and I'll be taking the baby! Next milestone is the anatomy ultrasound during the week of July 23 @ 18 weeks.

Bye Bye Needles

The shots are over! Yip, Yip, Hoorah! After 85 days of needles with the last 51 being in the muscle (a literal pain in the a--), the shots are over. The sticky estrogen patches are off now too! My progesterone level today was 24.4--another Normal! What a relief...I went in for my first OB visit with Tracy this week...what a calm doctor she is. That's a whole post in itself, but I'll be having the integrated screen, which will be another ultrasound on 6/4 for nuchal thickness and a blood draw. They use this information, along with the quad screen later to determine risks for trisomy 21 & 18. With a 27 year old egg, the theoretical risk of trisomy 21 is 1: 1,150.

10 weeks today:)

Another Normal Report

It's been awhile...the Alaskan cruise was wonderful and I mostly enjoyed sleeping whenever I was tired. On Monday, we had another ultrasound at 9w2d and the 12 hours before were nail biters. I had spotting the night before, so I had lots of sleepless black thoughts going through my mind. Dr. Lin, came in & I told him, and he had a classic flat affect before the ultrasound. The first image was the heart beating---175 beats/min. The growth was normal and he said congratulations, aren't you excited? I guess I didn't look excited but did feel a ton of relief. Then I had that pesky thought that I have regularly as an infertile in a fertile world...you just don't get it! So I said, "When I see a live baby come out of me, I'll be excited." Silence. Mr. Tarheel broke the silence by asking about the chance of miscarriage...now 5% since normal growth is established. I know this is a step in the right direction, so of course I'm excited. But when your heart has been run over several times by an 18 wheeler, you just don't play chicken on the freeway!

70 Shots So Far

It's been a busy work week and prep for vacation next week. Mr. Tarheel, his parents, & some other family will be joining me on my first Alaskan cruise! I'm looking forward to no pager, no errands, no mowing, just beautiful scenery, good food, and to sleep whenever I want to. Yesterday at work, I was so tired after lunch that I said that I would rather get a beating than stay awake...now that shows a real Southerner talking! I stayed awake and like always, did my best, came home and went straight to bed.

My hips are getting pretty sore from the shots...Mr. Tarheel is counting them down with me...mainly b/c he has to wake up each morning in the middle of his sleep to give them to me. He doesn't mind, he says, but I would be a little irritated if I had to wake up in the middle of my sleep to give him a shot every day. We have 16 more to go....70 so far....

The next ultrasound in May 21, the day after our cruise ends....I'm 7w 5 d now & I'll be 9w 2d then. Fingers are crossed and prayers are constant to hear "normal" again...I won't write again until after the ultrasound b/c I won't be paying to use an internet on vacation:) I'm sure you understand...

Surprise of the night....Mr. Tarheel's parents arrive this afternoon and we haven't told them anything yet but we'll be telling them today....they will be VERY surprised!

A Beating Heart

Yesterday was our first ultrasound, at 6w5d. I counted down the 10 days from the last level. Mr. Tarheel & I jokingly told each other that we will be pregnant at least until Thursday. Dr. Thyer came in & we hadn't met her before. She said she was concerned about what we would find after reviewing my levels. On the inside, I was thinking, yeah, right, so am I...get on with it. The first image was the yolk sac, shaped interestingly like an egg...she zoomed in and said, we have an embryo with a beating heart! Let's measure...the measurement was 6w4d with a +- 5 day accurracy. I exhaled! She dopplered the heart rate...at 125--normal! She said if the initial levels had been normal, she would release me to the OB but since they weren't, let's monitor the growth in 2-3 weeks. Then quiet, reserved Mr. Tarheel & Dr. Thyer start talking/telling stories about kayaking and I know that he is super happy, b/c that's when he's the most talkative. You really know your spouse when you've been married 13 years! I loved calling my fan club with good news...YIPPEE.

I thought it through, I have been infertile for 10 years...that's 1/4 of my life...this is really going to be the change that I've been waiting for!

Another Broken Heart

Why, Why, Why, I scream inside...my sister Robin's level on Monday did not go up appropriately. One of the few times in life when I could say, "I know how you feel". When my 2nd level didn't go up very much, I thought this pregnancy wouldn't be healthy. Yesterday brought bad news, her level actually went down. This signals miscarriage and is so unfair. What do you say? No words can take away the searing knife in your heart and the sadness that spills out...I can't BE there to give her a hug:(

I revisit my losses, remembering the vivid details of each one, despite the years that have passed. The time period is cloaked with gray, a constant sadness, longing, and depression. It wasn't always a valley, but the valley was there in my heart. Time moves on and we process overwhelming things very slowly, like eating an elephant...one bite at a time. We don't know how it turns out here on earth, so we keep putting one foot in front of the other, sometimes faster than other times. We walk toward a very small flicker of light, the flicker of hope....

On our journey, we always have our Maker holding one hand, helping us along. The other hand is for our earthly helpers; different people who encourage us, listen, and are there to help to divide our pain and make it bearable.

Robin, take my hand, I'll help you along....

True Joy!

Yesterday, I received some great news! My sister, Robin, found out she was pregnant! Whooooohoooo! That was a Tarheel scream:) Hopefully, we will have our babies within 2 weeks of each other! Now how wonderful is that! Tucker and Trooper (her dog) have been waiting way too long to be big 4 legged brothers....Today, Mr. Tarheel & I are going out on the boat for the first time together. I'll let you know how it goes:) I'll be the brunette with all smiles out there today...

An Announcement from the Emergency Broadcast System

We interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you this UNC Basketball update....Brandan Wright has announced he will be eligible for the NBA draft. Coach Williams supports his decision b/c research has suggested he will be selected in the top 10. He is not going to sign with an agent at this point, so he is still eligible to come back to school if desired. http://tarheelblue.cstv.com/sports/m-baskbl/spec-rel/042307aac.html

Now let me imagine this was my decision: on one hand, start for the Tarheels with a great chance to be national champions next year or go make millions of dollars and sit on the bench during most games while trying to gain 50 pounds of productive muscle in 1 year? I'm back & forth but it would be a hard decision. Brandan is 6'9'' and weighs 205...he is going to get tossed around in there with the likes of Shaq until he bulks up but I know he can do it.....we'll miss him but like every year, fans like me, stand back up, brush off the dust, and keep going...always believing in our team!

Pregnancy update: I forget sometimes (denial can be good for coping) but I am still pregnant. 6 days until the 1st ultrasound, Thursday, 5/3 at 11:10am. Chris will be with me....a little pack to be together to hear whatever news comes our way. Cautious optimism is the mood but I dream of the day when I'll be holding my precious baby, hopefully!

Jumping for Joy

So today was the 4th HCG...48 hours after the 367. I had my cautious optimism all around me like a soft, fluffy cloud. I was calm, relaxed, and counted the hours down until the phone call. Lori, the nurse, said the wonderful words..."I have good news." The HCG was 815...it more than doubled in 48 hours....I jumped for joy & called Mr. Tarheel right away. Then I reverted into my #1 Tarheel fan mode...I screamed at the top of my lungs! The next step is a ultrasound on Thursday, May 5...I will be 6w5d and we should see a heart beat! All fingers & toes are crossed and there is much rejoicing happening! Thanks to all who have me in their thoughts and prayers! Today is a great day!

Stuck on a Roller Coaster

On Wednesday morning, I went in for my 2nd HCG level. There was no good news introduction to start out the afternoon call. At least Mr. Tarheel was here to hear...the level only went up to 169. I heard the words "don't be optimistic" as I felt the searing pain & cloud of darkness descend. This is a doubling time of 130 hours, way above the normal. Then I had to work days on Thursday and a long shift on Friday and had a repeat level done on Sat morning, 72 hours later. The level went up to 367, a doubling time of 66 hours! The afternoon call focused on "this is normal". I will be going for another level tomorrow after 48 hours...so cautious optimism is the mood for the day:)

Life-Jacket of Hope

Today was a short work day, a good day. I felt good & happy and happy & good. I felt a little emotional when I stopped by the nursing home to see my wonderful great-Aunt Kat. She is back from the hospital, recovered from pneumonia. I felt like crying there but held it together. I got home and felt very irritated for no good reason. Well, here are some reasons...Tucker, the big red dog has an issue w/ me taking him out to potty. He won't do his #2 business very easily. He just stands there, looking off into the distance & then sniffs and walks around. So he's probably constipated tonight, but he had his opportunity. Then all the dishes were piled up and that got on my nerves. Then there were dirty clothes piled up by the washer. That got on my nerves. Probably for no good reason! Then I went into the closet to get into jammies and lo, & behold, Mr Tarheel made it all better....he has hope...he has bought our baby something after only knowing for 1 day....guess what it is? A baby life-jacket. It's hanging right beside the miracle t-shirt in yesterday's post. Can you believe it? A baby life jacket....it's so CUTE! Hope expresses itself in many ways! I'll post a picture another day when I have more energy to take one:)

Grinning From Ear to Ear

I know some of you have been in the dark and some of you haven't...But all those in the Tarheel88 cheering section were whistling, clapping, jumping, dancing, and shaking pom poms (if they had them)today! That's because after years and years, Tarheel88 is pregnant! The first blood test today was 131--a very good, normal number. There will be another level done on Wednesday to make sure it's going up normally.

Months & months ago, I saw a baby t-shirt that represented my situation and I had to buy it. It has been hanging in the closet, in view, since then. This t-shirt meant hope..Hope that one day, there would be a newborn baby to wear it and like every baby, he/she would be a miracle. It reads "Miracle"....

Today was the beginning of a miracle...& I'm grinning from ear to ear! Now...don't worry, I'm going to turn the light on for all of you who thought I was only about basketball!...

There's More Than Basketball Happening in My Life

Basketball summary: Gator fans Gloat while Tarheel 88 starts count down to next season! My gloom has lifted and hope springs up...enough about basketball until later in the summer when the new schedule/roster is out. Tarheel88 did cheer for the Lady Heels in the Final Four! Congrats to Ivory Latta...a great role model in life & basketball. Set goals, work hard, and motiviate your team and your dreams will come true! Unfortunately, Tarheel88 had to mute another game when UNC lost to the eventual champion, powerhouse Tennessee. But once again, guess where the Duke gals were? At home, watching it on TV!!!!!! Just like their boy counterparts! As always, beating Duke & Duke losing in the tourney was a big highlight of my spring!

Now on to other matters...I'm going to use this blog to write about all the other parts of Tarheel88's life...& I would say that I am a very diverse southerner! The picture shows baby calf Winston taking a break from lunch! His Mom is giving me a dirty look too! We are down to 8 cows--YIPPEE! An appropriate herd for our modest 10 acres. We have 4 cows and 4 calves...2 girls, 2 boys! Our other bull is Big Kahona, born while we were in Hawaii! Our girls are Ruby & Rosie...b/c they are sweet red girls!

Tomorrow is a long awaited day...it's too long of a story for now. Just send good thoughts/prayers my way! Lots of fingers are crossed!

Tarheels Fall to Georgetown in Elite 8 :(

What excitement to begin the weekend with the comeback win over the USC Trogans! Oh to be so high & then fall so hard! Me, Tarheel88, wearing my blue wig and gameface glasses, screamed alot on Sunday afternoon. Screamed as each basket fell and as each Hoya fouled. Did you hear me in NC? Even Roy didn't take his glasses off during the first half! Then the end...the tragic end, when I had to mute the game & run to bury my head in my pillow. Even Tucker, the Tarheel dog, came to give a condolence lick. I couldn't watch as the shots didn't fall and the Hoya elation became nauseating. Don't worry, it's recorded and I'll be able to critique it later! Here's Adam Lucas' recreation of the walk back to the locker room....
http://tarheelblue.cstv.com/sports/m-baskbl/spec-rel/032507aab.html

The 2006-2007 season is over....I'll never see Reyshawn, Wes, & Dewey in that uniform again...a lump is forming in my throat. Don't cry boys! You'll be there every year, like Tarheel88, watching & living through the next team, & the next. They will always be YOUR team! Good luck with the rest of your life!

When people tell me this & that about my Heels...you know, the naysayers...I give a brief chuckle and say, it's OK...there's only 8 months left before the beginning of next season! I will always support my team, winning or losing. It's a proven fact that the year we won only 8 games, I still watched all the games (usually muted) and I'm no different when I believe we could be National Champions! Now that's what being a #1 fan is all about!

No, I didn't paint my body blue and run amongst the calves, wearing only my bathing suit! But I did ask anyone who would listen....Guess where Duke is right now? Guess what Coach K is doing? WATCHING US ON TV!

Go Tarheels!