14 weeks 5 days :)

A month has passed and I am still pregnant....I say that over & over to convince myself. Denial is a strong coping mechanism! The nausea is gone now and I feel like I recovered from a bout of the flu that lasted 6 weeks. My nuchal thickness was normal (another normal...it's beginning to sound more familiar) and I had all my pregnancy lab work drawn. I tried to convince them that I did not need my blood type drawn b/c the donor is A+, but they insisted...it doesn't matter what my blood type is, duh! My feet are beginning to swell, left greater than right but my BP is still good. Next doctor's appt is Monday, July 2...Mr. Tarheel is planning to go so he can meet Tracy. I had a nice visit back home to NC and loved seeing everyone. My next visit will be when I'm on maternity leave and I'll be taking the baby! Next milestone is the anatomy ultrasound during the week of July 23 @ 18 weeks.

Bye Bye Needles

The shots are over! Yip, Yip, Hoorah! After 85 days of needles with the last 51 being in the muscle (a literal pain in the a--), the shots are over. The sticky estrogen patches are off now too! My progesterone level today was 24.4--another Normal! What a relief...I went in for my first OB visit with Tracy this week...what a calm doctor she is. That's a whole post in itself, but I'll be having the integrated screen, which will be another ultrasound on 6/4 for nuchal thickness and a blood draw. They use this information, along with the quad screen later to determine risks for trisomy 21 & 18. With a 27 year old egg, the theoretical risk of trisomy 21 is 1: 1,150.

10 weeks today:)

Another Normal Report

It's been awhile...the Alaskan cruise was wonderful and I mostly enjoyed sleeping whenever I was tired. On Monday, we had another ultrasound at 9w2d and the 12 hours before were nail biters. I had spotting the night before, so I had lots of sleepless black thoughts going through my mind. Dr. Lin, came in & I told him, and he had a classic flat affect before the ultrasound. The first image was the heart beating---175 beats/min. The growth was normal and he said congratulations, aren't you excited? I guess I didn't look excited but did feel a ton of relief. Then I had that pesky thought that I have regularly as an infertile in a fertile world...you just don't get it! So I said, "When I see a live baby come out of me, I'll be excited." Silence. Mr. Tarheel broke the silence by asking about the chance of miscarriage...now 5% since normal growth is established. I know this is a step in the right direction, so of course I'm excited. But when your heart has been run over several times by an 18 wheeler, you just don't play chicken on the freeway!

70 Shots So Far

It's been a busy work week and prep for vacation next week. Mr. Tarheel, his parents, & some other family will be joining me on my first Alaskan cruise! I'm looking forward to no pager, no errands, no mowing, just beautiful scenery, good food, and to sleep whenever I want to. Yesterday at work, I was so tired after lunch that I said that I would rather get a beating than stay awake...now that shows a real Southerner talking! I stayed awake and like always, did my best, came home and went straight to bed.

My hips are getting pretty sore from the shots...Mr. Tarheel is counting them down with me...mainly b/c he has to wake up each morning in the middle of his sleep to give them to me. He doesn't mind, he says, but I would be a little irritated if I had to wake up in the middle of my sleep to give him a shot every day. We have 16 more to go....70 so far....

The next ultrasound in May 21, the day after our cruise ends....I'm 7w 5 d now & I'll be 9w 2d then. Fingers are crossed and prayers are constant to hear "normal" again...I won't write again until after the ultrasound b/c I won't be paying to use an internet on vacation:) I'm sure you understand...

Surprise of the night....Mr. Tarheel's parents arrive this afternoon and we haven't told them anything yet but we'll be telling them today....they will be VERY surprised!

A Beating Heart

Yesterday was our first ultrasound, at 6w5d. I counted down the 10 days from the last level. Mr. Tarheel & I jokingly told each other that we will be pregnant at least until Thursday. Dr. Thyer came in & we hadn't met her before. She said she was concerned about what we would find after reviewing my levels. On the inside, I was thinking, yeah, right, so am I...get on with it. The first image was the yolk sac, shaped interestingly like an egg...she zoomed in and said, we have an embryo with a beating heart! Let's measure...the measurement was 6w4d with a +- 5 day accurracy. I exhaled! She dopplered the heart rate...at 125--normal! She said if the initial levels had been normal, she would release me to the OB but since they weren't, let's monitor the growth in 2-3 weeks. Then quiet, reserved Mr. Tarheel & Dr. Thyer start talking/telling stories about kayaking and I know that he is super happy, b/c that's when he's the most talkative. You really know your spouse when you've been married 13 years! I loved calling my fan club with good news...YIPPEE.

I thought it through, I have been infertile for 10 years...that's 1/4 of my life...this is really going to be the change that I've been waiting for!

Another Broken Heart

Why, Why, Why, I scream inside...my sister Robin's level on Monday did not go up appropriately. One of the few times in life when I could say, "I know how you feel". When my 2nd level didn't go up very much, I thought this pregnancy wouldn't be healthy. Yesterday brought bad news, her level actually went down. This signals miscarriage and is so unfair. What do you say? No words can take away the searing knife in your heart and the sadness that spills out...I can't BE there to give her a hug:(

I revisit my losses, remembering the vivid details of each one, despite the years that have passed. The time period is cloaked with gray, a constant sadness, longing, and depression. It wasn't always a valley, but the valley was there in my heart. Time moves on and we process overwhelming things very slowly, like eating an elephant...one bite at a time. We don't know how it turns out here on earth, so we keep putting one foot in front of the other, sometimes faster than other times. We walk toward a very small flicker of light, the flicker of hope....

On our journey, we always have our Maker holding one hand, helping us along. The other hand is for our earthly helpers; different people who encourage us, listen, and are there to help to divide our pain and make it bearable.

Robin, take my hand, I'll help you along....

True Joy!

Yesterday, I received some great news! My sister, Robin, found out she was pregnant! Whooooohoooo! That was a Tarheel scream:) Hopefully, we will have our babies within 2 weeks of each other! Now how wonderful is that! Tucker and Trooper (her dog) have been waiting way too long to be big 4 legged brothers....Today, Mr. Tarheel & I are going out on the boat for the first time together. I'll let you know how it goes:) I'll be the brunette with all smiles out there today...

An Announcement from the Emergency Broadcast System

We interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you this UNC Basketball update....Brandan Wright has announced he will be eligible for the NBA draft. Coach Williams supports his decision b/c research has suggested he will be selected in the top 10. He is not going to sign with an agent at this point, so he is still eligible to come back to school if desired. http://tarheelblue.cstv.com/sports/m-baskbl/spec-rel/042307aac.html

Now let me imagine this was my decision: on one hand, start for the Tarheels with a great chance to be national champions next year or go make millions of dollars and sit on the bench during most games while trying to gain 50 pounds of productive muscle in 1 year? I'm back & forth but it would be a hard decision. Brandan is 6'9'' and weighs 205...he is going to get tossed around in there with the likes of Shaq until he bulks up but I know he can do it.....we'll miss him but like every year, fans like me, stand back up, brush off the dust, and keep going...always believing in our team!

Pregnancy update: I forget sometimes (denial can be good for coping) but I am still pregnant. 6 days until the 1st ultrasound, Thursday, 5/3 at 11:10am. Chris will be with me....a little pack to be together to hear whatever news comes our way. Cautious optimism is the mood but I dream of the day when I'll be holding my precious baby, hopefully!

Jumping for Joy

So today was the 4th HCG...48 hours after the 367. I had my cautious optimism all around me like a soft, fluffy cloud. I was calm, relaxed, and counted the hours down until the phone call. Lori, the nurse, said the wonderful words..."I have good news." The HCG was 815...it more than doubled in 48 hours....I jumped for joy & called Mr. Tarheel right away. Then I reverted into my #1 Tarheel fan mode...I screamed at the top of my lungs! The next step is a ultrasound on Thursday, May 5...I will be 6w5d and we should see a heart beat! All fingers & toes are crossed and there is much rejoicing happening! Thanks to all who have me in their thoughts and prayers! Today is a great day!

Stuck on a Roller Coaster

On Wednesday morning, I went in for my 2nd HCG level. There was no good news introduction to start out the afternoon call. At least Mr. Tarheel was here to hear...the level only went up to 169. I heard the words "don't be optimistic" as I felt the searing pain & cloud of darkness descend. This is a doubling time of 130 hours, way above the normal. Then I had to work days on Thursday and a long shift on Friday and had a repeat level done on Sat morning, 72 hours later. The level went up to 367, a doubling time of 66 hours! The afternoon call focused on "this is normal". I will be going for another level tomorrow after 48 hours...so cautious optimism is the mood for the day:)

Life-Jacket of Hope

Today was a short work day, a good day. I felt good & happy and happy & good. I felt a little emotional when I stopped by the nursing home to see my wonderful great-Aunt Kat. She is back from the hospital, recovered from pneumonia. I felt like crying there but held it together. I got home and felt very irritated for no good reason. Well, here are some reasons...Tucker, the big red dog has an issue w/ me taking him out to potty. He won't do his #2 business very easily. He just stands there, looking off into the distance & then sniffs and walks around. So he's probably constipated tonight, but he had his opportunity. Then all the dishes were piled up and that got on my nerves. Then there were dirty clothes piled up by the washer. That got on my nerves. Probably for no good reason! Then I went into the closet to get into jammies and lo, & behold, Mr Tarheel made it all better....he has hope...he has bought our baby something after only knowing for 1 day....guess what it is? A baby life-jacket. It's hanging right beside the miracle t-shirt in yesterday's post. Can you believe it? A baby life jacket....it's so CUTE! Hope expresses itself in many ways! I'll post a picture another day when I have more energy to take one:)

Grinning From Ear to Ear

I know some of you have been in the dark and some of you haven't...But all those in the Tarheel88 cheering section were whistling, clapping, jumping, dancing, and shaking pom poms (if they had them)today! That's because after years and years, Tarheel88 is pregnant! The first blood test today was 131--a very good, normal number. There will be another level done on Wednesday to make sure it's going up normally.

Months & months ago, I saw a baby t-shirt that represented my situation and I had to buy it. It has been hanging in the closet, in view, since then. This t-shirt meant hope..Hope that one day, there would be a newborn baby to wear it and like every baby, he/she would be a miracle. It reads "Miracle"....

Today was the beginning of a miracle...& I'm grinning from ear to ear! Now...don't worry, I'm going to turn the light on for all of you who thought I was only about basketball!...

There's More Than Basketball Happening in My Life

Basketball summary: Gator fans Gloat while Tarheel 88 starts count down to next season! My gloom has lifted and hope springs up...enough about basketball until later in the summer when the new schedule/roster is out. Tarheel88 did cheer for the Lady Heels in the Final Four! Congrats to Ivory Latta...a great role model in life & basketball. Set goals, work hard, and motiviate your team and your dreams will come true! Unfortunately, Tarheel88 had to mute another game when UNC lost to the eventual champion, powerhouse Tennessee. But once again, guess where the Duke gals were? At home, watching it on TV!!!!!! Just like their boy counterparts! As always, beating Duke & Duke losing in the tourney was a big highlight of my spring!

Now on to other matters...I'm going to use this blog to write about all the other parts of Tarheel88's life...& I would say that I am a very diverse southerner! The picture shows baby calf Winston taking a break from lunch! His Mom is giving me a dirty look too! We are down to 8 cows--YIPPEE! An appropriate herd for our modest 10 acres. We have 4 cows and 4 calves...2 girls, 2 boys! Our other bull is Big Kahona, born while we were in Hawaii! Our girls are Ruby & Rosie...b/c they are sweet red girls!

Tomorrow is a long awaited day...it's too long of a story for now. Just send good thoughts/prayers my way! Lots of fingers are crossed!

Tarheels Fall to Georgetown in Elite 8 :(

What excitement to begin the weekend with the comeback win over the USC Trogans! Oh to be so high & then fall so hard! Me, Tarheel88, wearing my blue wig and gameface glasses, screamed alot on Sunday afternoon. Screamed as each basket fell and as each Hoya fouled. Did you hear me in NC? Even Roy didn't take his glasses off during the first half! Then the end...the tragic end, when I had to mute the game & run to bury my head in my pillow. Even Tucker, the Tarheel dog, came to give a condolence lick. I couldn't watch as the shots didn't fall and the Hoya elation became nauseating. Don't worry, it's recorded and I'll be able to critique it later! Here's Adam Lucas' recreation of the walk back to the locker room....
http://tarheelblue.cstv.com/sports/m-baskbl/spec-rel/032507aab.html

The 2006-2007 season is over....I'll never see Reyshawn, Wes, & Dewey in that uniform again...a lump is forming in my throat. Don't cry boys! You'll be there every year, like Tarheel88, watching & living through the next team, & the next. They will always be YOUR team! Good luck with the rest of your life!

When people tell me this & that about my Heels...you know, the naysayers...I give a brief chuckle and say, it's OK...there's only 8 months left before the beginning of next season! I will always support my team, winning or losing. It's a proven fact that the year we won only 8 games, I still watched all the games (usually muted) and I'm no different when I believe we could be National Champions! Now that's what being a #1 fan is all about!

No, I didn't paint my body blue and run amongst the calves, wearing only my bathing suit! But I did ask anyone who would listen....Guess where Duke is right now? Guess what Coach K is doing? WATCHING US ON TV!

Go Tarheels!

Full of Madness

Here is newborn calf Ruby, born 2/28 and healthy. You're right, new calves aren't related to basketball but I wanted to show you that Tarheel88 does have other interests!

Now on to March Madness! One BIG issue for me is how CBS handles the tournament broadcasts. I actually WATCHED 4 out of 40 minutes of my Heels play the Eastern Kentucky Colonels. That is a one digit number...FOUR. I had to watch a ticker at the top of the screen, in fast forward as I watched DUKE LOSE & Xavier pull out a close one. Now, I could have listened on my computer (note for next time) but for half of the game, I was at Wild Ginger enjoying peppered scallops, duck, & Chilean sea bass! So hence, recording the games is a must. Mr. Tarheel saved me b/c there is only 100 hours of capacity and I was almost maxed out. Stop biting your nails...we won! & by a comfortable margin but they tried to make a comeback while we were playing sloppy (according to Roy)....& Tarheel88 didn't get to actually SEE it! I'm mad about more than one thing!

Next up, tomorrow we play the Michigian State Spartans with coach Tom Izzo. Hopefully, more of the game will be shown and I'll have some time at work in the hospital on the hill, overlooking the sound to watch. Stay tuned!

After 9 long years--ACC CHAMPIONS

Sorry about the hiatus Tarheel fans, but between working, watching basketball, computer problems, and birthing calves....Tarheel88 has been tied up! Rest assurred, I was THERE when Duke bit the dust and when the Ram snuck up and took the bite right out of the Wolfpack! What a game it was! Does that mean Sidney Lowe's red coat doesn't have good luck anymore?

It was a day to remember...cutting down the net in Tampa Bay...congrats to seniors Reyshawn Terry and Wes Miller! The memories will last forever! Best of all was the tenacity and heart demonstrated by Roy's boys...yes, yes, yes, they have the heart, talent, desire, and dream to go 6 out of 6 and be crowned National Champions in only 18 days!!!

(Confession by Tarheel88....when the brackets came out, there was some periodic breathing as espn.com loaded up on the screen...we must win more games than Ohio State, Georgetown, & Texas to make it to the final game. A knot developed in my throat and that night, I had a nightmare....we were playing the Hoya's in the Elite 8. Now what is a Hoya? We were behind, with enough time left. We sparked, 5' 11'' Ty Lawson drove in to the basket, Brandon was brilliant and we pulled ahead just before the end! The nightmare was over and I woke up in a sweat but happy!)

Next up...tonight we will play & beat Eastern Kentucky Colonels! Go Heels!

UNC Now a Depressing #8

Sunday in snowy College Park was a shoot-fest between UNC and the Maryland Terrapins. The game would be won by the team with the most defensive desire...(like the fairy tail race, the tortoise won but the hare was more rested!) After a 28 hour shift, a 2 hour nap, and while drinking coffee from a yellow pocca-dot cup, Tarheel88 contemplated starting some high dose Prozac. Like sand through an hourglass, the Heels let a 10 point lead slip through their fingers. Give credit to Gary Williams and his team, especially senior DJ Strawberry....never give up and there's always a chance. Now for Tarheel88's ideas on reviving some Tarheel energy: Roy should remove the rims from the Dean Dome goals and have defensive only practice. And I mean, long, long practices where each player is broken down and then rebuilt like bootcamp. Then, more foul shooting practice...instead of having everyone make 8 out of 10 before leaving, up it to 18 out of 20....come on guys! We have the heart, desire, and the talent to be National Champions....& Tarheel 88 still has hope! We will redeem ourselves by out-performing & becoming ACC Champions in 13 days....& the count down to the UNC will beat Duke again party....Sunday at 1 pm PST. Up next at Georgia Tech on Thursday...Go Heels!

The Ram Squeezes the Wolf's Neck

Wednesday night came and the Wolfpack came to our house...the Rockin' Dean Dome. Tarheel88 was at an engagement until half-time. I saw the score 41-40 and I thought we were in for a fight--Ali-style! But when the Heels took the floor, there was no looking back. The Pack had tired legs and a sick coach (best wishes to Sidney Lowe, the bearer of all red jackets!). And the rebounding festivities began! Even Roy said he was proud of the team without giving even a little constructive criticism after the praises. YIPPEE, UNC reigns as #1 in ACC!! Up next is Sunday's trip to Maryland. Only 39 days until the National Championship Game!!!!

Reyshawn's My Man

Chestnull Hill was rocking and BC's Dudley & Rice wanted Tarheel heads to roll...but it wasn't to be! Intensity was the key, as the Heels and BC went head to head for #1 spot in the ACC rankings. Silent, but deadly, Reyshawn Terry, the only starting senior, performed brilliantly offensively...Congrats! Mr Tarheel tried to get a great picture but only part of my head is in this picture. Imagine me clapping & screaming for each tri-vector and free throw....even Tucker had trouble sleeping through this one. So Tarheels are #1 in the ACC! When tomorrow's rankings come out, I predict a new #1 Wisconsin...since Florida lost to those Vandy Commodores...too bad, even Goliath has a vulnerable spot...Get ready for NC State in our house on Wednesday night. The madness is intensifying...Hurry up March, hurry up...

Roy Blames Himself

I'm sure you've heard by now, the Hokies came out ahead, again, this time in Dean's Dome. How depressing! It took me 3 days plus all afternoon to watch it, interrupted by a hacking cough, Theraflu, and 2 naps. I saw a crack in Roy's foundation of Substitution 101, it's difficult to keep the rhythm going with so many changes in players. How much depth is right? Only 10 hours to our match-up with Boston College on our first visit to Chestnut Hill. Here's the game guide: http://tarheelblue.cstv.com/sports/m-baskbl/spec-rel/021707aab.html Hopefully, Brandan Wright's shoulder it better, we need him to play. BC is #1 in ACC play, a win is essential...I know Roy's boys are up for it! Go Heels!