All Smiles at 26 weeks!

As interesting of a person that I am :), sometimes it's difficult to write something here worth reading. Sometimes, it reads blah, blah, blah, blah, blah....but I know that you're all VERY happy that I'm 26 WEEKS TODAY! Now, 26 weeks if one of those in-between weeks but we have to trudge through it to reach our ultimate goal of a full-term baby on December 1st! Some of you may have guessed, that Mr. Tarheel & I are memorizing PMG outcome data based on weeks gestation and birth weight. Don't give me grief, Mr. Tarheel is making an A+ in the class that I am teaching him on Introduction to High Risk Pregnancy! I don't even have to look it up, I know that survival today is 91% and without severe sequelae is 77%....& every day, it goes up! This sounds like I think he's going to be born soon, which really, I don't. If I feel stressed inside, I keep repeating, "Grow Jack, grow" & it helps me calm down! Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want Jack to come out weighing 10 lbs, but a respectable 7 lbs will be fine with me!

I had my first delivery dream last night. It wasn't a nightmare b/c Jack was born full-term. In the dream, I was at home & labor started but I had to wait for Mr. Tarheel to come home to take me to Swedish. It wasn't very long in the dream, but before he arrived, my contractions were so close, I called 911. The ambulance arrived shortly after Chris did and they told me that there's not enough time to get me to Swedish. They took me to Enumclaw hospital, which is 5 minutes away and I had Jack in the ER. I remember that I was so proud to tell everyone that I had natural childbirth! The funny thing is, I have zero intentions to have natural childbirth, but you hear of these situations, when the person doesn't have a choice. When I woke up, I couldn't remember what Jack's face looked like. Maybe, I'll finish the dream tonight!

Waiting for the Other Side

The sun rises, the sun sets, and another day of this pregnancy passes....yes, my mind is going places today. Places in the past, like back in 1996 when we first "tried" to have a baby...now that's 132 months of waiting, 3872 days passing, now hopefully only about a 100 left to go. The dream of having a baby was with me for all those days. Sometimes dreams become realities with determination, patience, persistence, and the intestinal fortitude to keep searching for an achievable way to reach your dream. My dream is happening...each day brings us closer to meeting Jack...oh, what a day it will be!

It's helps for me to see what people are like "on the other side" of infertility/loss. I see smiles and a deep appreciation of the blessings of children. The same qualities that helped them through the dark days trying to have a baby, helps them in their new life as parents. Here's a video called Seasons made by some wonderful parents for the International Infertility Film Festival: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_rwQ4FuyBCo
Luckily, the seasons of our life have brought Mr. Tarheel & I closer...we'll be on the other side soon.

Another Circle Around the Sun

Wow, another circle around the sun has been completed for Tarheel 88. Yes, 9/7/07 was my 41st birthday--a little anti-climatic after last year! Have you ever noticed that when someone is in their 30's, they are still likely to tell you their upcoming age when they talk about their birthday? It becomes less likely as you progress in your 40's, I think.

Mr. Tarheel made sure I had my favorite cake--carrot cake from Black Diamond Bakery...here I am, blowing out my 1 instead of 41 candles! I didn't want to create a fire hazard...Notice the beautiful flowers in the background...sent to me from the best NNPs in the world--Kim, Deb, Heather, Alison, Sandy, Cheryl, Susanne, and Traci.

It was a celebration also to learn that my PIH panel and gestational diabetes tests were normal. Now, the call from Devin, Dr. Tracy's assistant, goes like this...

Ring, Ring..

Tarheel88: hello

Devin: Hi, your labs are normal...Dr. Tracy says keep up the good work and see you on the 21st.

Tarheel88: Now, what was my glucose?

Devin: 100--we like it to be under 140.

Tarheel88: Wow, pancreas of steel! Now what was my creatinine? GFR? Uric Acid? Hct?

Devin: 0.6, >60, 4.6, 36%...all normal. Would you like me to fax you the results?

Tarheel88: No, that's OK, you said they were all completely normal? Did any of them change from last time? I mean, you know how they can still be normal but getting worse....but still officially in the normal range?

Devin: YES, all were COMPLETELY NORMAL--in the NORMAL RANGE (emphasis added)!

I must get her some chocolate before this is over!

If I Can't be Normal, I'll Settle for Stable

Yesterday was an appt with Dr. Tracy...I had my 3 pages of BP readings and she was happy with the numbers. Today, I'll find out the results of the sugar test for gestational diabetes and the PIH panel...the labs to see if I'm developing pre-eclampsia. Dr. Tracy was all smiles and said that she doesn't think I'll be getting pre-eclampsia in the next few weeks. YIPPEE, things are stable....if I can't be "normal", I'll settle for stable.

Dr. Tracy said that I could slowly increase my activity and monitor my BP...& to call in if it reaches 160/100 (scary numbers for me) and she will increase the labetalol. This is a N=1 non-randomized study to see if I "may" be able to get back to work during the pregnancy. I love all the advice that I'm getting (really) and no one wants to hear about me coming back to work anytime soon. After 10 years of waiting and hoping and over 40K of hard-earned money spent, don't worry, I won't come back unless my BP is normal & it's 100% safe!

Next appointment will be in 2 weeks, 9/21 and we'll have another growth ultrasound then. Mr. Jack is measuring big right now and for some reason, has kept me up over an hour during the night for the past 2 nights. I tell him that it's night time but even as a fetus, he has a mind of his own. I can't complain, it's what I've waited for and I can sleep late if I want to!

Ways to Pass Time

I'll bet some of you are wondering what am I doing with all this free time. I do wish that I had one of these lazy days in the middle of my former hectic life instead of under these circumstances....but here is a list of some of the highlights of my days:

1. I'm cooking Quaker oats almost every morning for breakfast and eating it with fresh sliced peaches. The cooking is one new thing..before, when I ate instant oatmeal, I was always busy doing something while I ate. Now, I'm enjoying the taste of real oats and I've learned how to recognize a ripe peach by the feel/smell of it.
2. Since we're talking about cooking...using Mr. Tarheel's mother's cookbook, I made homemade baked macaroni and cheese. Suffice it to say, my cooking needs more work and the dish needs salt in it. I get an A for effort.
3. I'm reading 2 books at once...now you may ask, Why? They are Charles Dickens' Bleak House and Anthony Bourdain's Kitchen Confidential. Both excellent but very different books and going back & forth during the day helps keep me reading, thus, passing more time.
4. Crocheting Jack's Baby Blanket...now any of you who have seen my crocheting will be impressed that I actually have straight rows that are the same length...I've come a long way. Mr. Tarheel picked out the yarn & it's a nice dark red.
5. Cow watching: Big Red, the bull came over for his yearly visit. Previously, I felt like the bull was in control, but now that I can recognize the nuances of bovine mating behavior, I know that the lady cows are 100% in control! Winston, our steer, developed a limp and wheezing...when the vet came over, he diagnosed hoof rot and pneumonia. Winston had to be sedated for his treatment and as a sitting by-stander, I'm glad that I work in a more controlled, clean environment!
6. Sleeping: Both high BP and labetalol make me sleepy, so at least one nap is necessary every day. I needed a morning and an afternoon nap until I slowly trained myself not to wake up at 0500 anymore. I've never been a late sleeper, but I've actually slept until 0800 a few times!
7. Watching TV & movies: Now, I'm interested in the weather, watching the weather, talking about the weather, and realizing that the forecast is their educated guess and I need to get a life if I'm telling people how the forecast was wrong for over half of last week. Watching the Mariners is difficult when they're losing...but I still turn it back during the commercials of whatever I move on to watch. I have UNC basketball games recorded from last season and I watch my Heels sometimes...only a little over 2 months until the new season starts! A new favorite show is Ninja Warrior...a Japanese obstacle course show with sub-titles.
8. Talking & emailing to lots of family & friends who are helping me pass this time...growing Jack!

One Hurdle Jumped: 24 weeks today

Today is 24 weeks...I don't exhale, relax, or think...yes, we've made it! But it is a milestone that I'm grateful to reach, at home. For all of you in neonatal land, you know what I'm talking about. For the others...until today, there was a 0% chance for Jack to be born & survive. Now this is a chance, albeit a small one, that if he was born, he could survive with maximum intervention. This "maximum intervention" is part of my job and I am intimately aware of the journey. Intimately aware, but not emotionally aware, because I have never stood by the bed of my own precious premature baby, feeling what I have observed so many times. When it's your job, you can & must compartmentalize it, so you can go back day after day, year after year and help where it is in your realm to help. When my mind goes there, terror seizes my heart and I leave that place as quickly as I can, talking to Jack & telling him that I will do everything in my power for him to be born in December, full-term!

Don't get me wrong, it's not easy to sit here, waiting. Yes, I fill the hours with semi-productive activities, especially sleep. I don't dwell too much on the future, just today. Mr. Tarheel is a big help, spending all his non-work, non-sleeping hours creating little mental diversions to distract me. He has told me the history of the Spartan/Persian war with a side discussion of using terrain to your advantage in battle. Then we watched the movie 300 and I actually liked it. We sit and watch the cows each day and here he told me the history of the development of the black and red Angus breeds in England and I had no idea he knew all this. We talk about where we want to travel and where will be the best places to take Jack at different ages. We agree that a toddler shouldn't and won't go on an 18 hour plane trip! We discuss parenting and I'm in awe of his introspection about what it takes to be a good parent. We wait together....for Jack.

A Tribute To Aunt Kat

Mary Kathleen Weishaar: 10/5/1932-8/20/2007...my beloved "Aunt Kat" died last Monday. She was actually my great-Aunt, my Grandmother's sister, who had moved so far from home over 40 years before and we ended up living in the same place. Although she suffered from the complications and pain from rheumatoid arthritis, she was a wonderful example of how to age with dignity and grace. She so rarely complained, that occasionally, I would force her by telling her that she had to for at least 1 minute...she never could complain for the entire minute. Except for the very end, her mind was sharp and she was kind and tolerate to those around her with dementia. Once we were discussing how some people suffer only in the mind and some, like her, suffer only physically. She had a profound response, "It's best if your body and mind wear out at the same time."
She loved the Seattle Mariners and she transferred that love over to me. We were known to talk on the phone through half the game, sharing commentary and opinions about the players, managers, and opposite team. She loved it when they beat the Yankees, especially if there was a "fight" during the game. Now I feel an emptiness during the games because I can't call to ask her opinion about the manager getting thrown out or why we get to the edge of winning and then lose 3 games to the Angels.

She was my little piece of North Carolina in this place over 3000 miles away. When you grow up in a place, even separated by 30 years, there is a comfort in "knowing" it and the history of all of the extended family without explanation. For years, she would prepare "home cooking" like fried chicken and okra for me and she was excited when I found a vendor at Pike Market that sold fried chicken livers--her favorite. Her speciality for years was making dish cloths out of a certain type of blanket that she would find at second hand stores and giving them away. She loved helping those she loved and found joy in their smile. She was a giver, in the true sense of the word.

Now, she's physically gone but I'm a better person to have known and loved her and I am so lucky to have been loved by her. Rest in peace, Aunt Kat.....

23 weeks Today!

Yesterday was the scheduled US and appointment with Dr. Tracy. Like last time, it was great to see Jack and they checked, he's still a boy! Interval growth was normal and estimated weight was 641 grams (1 lb, 6 oz)! He turns/moves alot and likes his hands by his face. He rests his right arm/hand on his forehead, like he's irritated at all the commotion. Mr. Tarheel went with me to the appt for the first time...I introduced him as my better half (isn't that the truth!). He recognized Dr. Tracy's skill/compassion and was impressed that she asked him for questions and answered them. He asked her to tell me not to research my condition on the internet anymore...she put her hand on my arm and said, "Stop!". He's really concerned about my persistent, moderately severe left foot/calf swelling (the right one is normal), so I'm going to get a doppler study next week to check the circulation. I don't think I have a blood clot b/c it's not red or painful and has been swollen since 11 weeks. Maybe I have a case of "bad vein valves"...that is so low on my list of concerns right now, but it's good he's watching out for me!

After just walking in to the office my BP was 150/82, meaning that's a little too much activity. My morning labetalol was doubled to 100mg twice a day and I was hoping for a normal BP. She reviewed all my BP readings and said the higher dose will help lower them. They range from 126-150's/70-84. Now I'll take my BP twice a day after rest and twice a day after activity...& call her if they reach 160/100. I asked about threshold for more aggressive (IV) treatment...she said at 160-180/110, you have to go into the hospital. Does anyone want to help me design my own home flowsheet for my BP?

Thinking back over the discussion, she presented a good combination of realism and optimism. She said we don't need to give you the betamethasone "yet"...Mr. Tarheel said, "What's that for?" and she said to accelerate the lung development. She went on to say that many times pre-eclampsia develops rapidly and you need it yesterday in these cases...meaning sometimes, you can't wait 48 hours to deliver after presentation. I asked her what chance she thought I had to develop pre-eclampisa...she said, "50%, but probably after 35 weeks"....I like this educated guess! She mentioned again that complete bedrest may be in my future.

So now the plan is to come back on 9/6, repeat PIH labs, do the glucola (checking for gestational diabetes) and check for some auto-immune issues that could be the needle in the haystack causing all this. So, I'm sitting around here on the farm, watching Mr. Tarheel do all the work except my job of growing Jack!

YIPPEE...UNC Basketball Schedule is Out!

Yes, all you Tarheel fans, or friends/family of the #1 Tarheel fan...aka...me. Today was the day & they made me wait a full 10 days later than last year (what's up with that Roy?).....the schedule is OUT! There are 2 games west of the Mississippi, but in late November, Tarheel88 will not be more than a lights and sirens drive from Swedish Medical Center at 36 weeks pregnant...poor Jack will be wondering what in the world is happening outside of his nice womb to make his Mom yell so loud! He'll be so happy to know he was born before the conference games begin...b/c that is on Jan 6 and he must head out before then! Yes, Tarheel88 is a crazy, screaming, lunatic during the games...what do you expect from the #1 fan!

I see my UNC beat Duke night will be on Feb 6...so watch out....the Cameron crazies will be doing what they were doing last year during the NCAA tournament...watching UNC win on TV! Coach K might better line up his next career with American Express....

So I'm off to memorize the schedule....with a smile on my face:)
Check out the website for the schedule:
http://tarheelblue.cstv.com/sports/m-baskbl/unc-m-baskbl-body.html

The Ups/Downs of Blood Pressure

After a few days on the Labetalol, I'm an expert on the drug. First of all, I can spell it correctly now and I know intimately the ebbs/flows of it's effects and side effects. The half life is 6-8 hours...I'm thinking the shorter time due to my increased volume of distribution (don't let your mind wonder...the increased blood volume of all pregnant women!). After about an hour of taking it, I feel wonderful for about 5-6 hours, except the side effect of drowsiness. This is an extreme drowsiness like working night shift and to stay awake, you have to force your eyes to stay open. Of course, I'm sitting around all the time, so I just take a nap. I fall asleep within seconds....no more insomnia! I take it about every 12 hours, so my feeling good time at night is while I'm sleeping. There is a relatively unknown side effect of beta blockers that I'm having...decreased anxiety! Wow, a side effect that I like, that is actually helping me! My BP is related to activity...when I'm active, it's too high...so I sit around most of the time. Reading, watching the Mariner's win, looking for the end of the internet, and of course, talking (on the phone) are my favorite activities this week.

Time keeps ticking, ticking, ticking..into the future.....

Counting Time: 22 weeks

There are so many different ways to count time...we celebrate years on our birthdays, months until the next season or vacation, days until Friday, hours until the alarm goes off, minutes during sports events, and seconds during pain. Today, I'm 22 weeks and I'm counting the weeks until Jack has the possibility of being a healthy baby. Of course, I still pray for a healthy term baby, but my compromise would be just a healthy pre-term baby. Yesterday was another doc visit, this time with Dr. Tracy. As always, she was the picture of reassurance and calmness. She reviewed my BP readings--about 4 a day anywhere from 130-164/70-86 and said, yes, you have gestational hypertension, let's start you on labetolol. I like ACTION! This will lower my BP and so far has made me very drowsy. That's OK, I have plenty of time for naps.

She wants to be conservative and have me not work until this is resolved. She reiterated that my chances for pre-eclampsia are higher now but with the next breath said, "but you don't have it now. We are at the beginning of our treatment ability for this, so just go home and rest. " I told her that I had done some research of my own and she said for me to remember that I don't have the context to put it in, so don't get my tail feathers ruffled. Next visit will be in 1 week on 8/24 and we'll have an ultrasound to check Jack's growth before the visit since high BP can decrease growth in the baby.

Mr. Tarheel is just learning about all this and is processing it pretty fast. Tucker likes to have me around all the time. I went on the library website and requested lots of books and movies from Netflix. I'm going to pick up some yarn and start on a baby blanket for Jack. That's a great activity during the Mariner's games. Luckily for me, they are playing 44 out of the next 45 days. I'll try to read the recommended Bleak House by Charles Dickens. I'm sure I'll not have time for any Dickens in the next few years!

My First "Abby-Normal"--Gestational Hypertension

Here is Mr. Tarheel & my niece Grace...my sister April came for a visit with 11 month old Grace. What a wonderful visit! This was just after 5am at the airport...thus the tired faces!

I had a regular prenatal visit with Dr. Tracy and my BP was up a little...138/84, up from 110/60. She wanted me to keep taking it myself and let her know if it ever got to 140/90 and come back in 2 weeks instead of 4. So on Monday, I was at work and not feeling very good. It's a feeling of not being quite right, tired, slight headache. I took my BP myself and it was about 144/90, so I called the office. I drank about 40 oz of water in 3 hours b/c I felt a little dehydrated. When I went over to the appt with Dr. Pray, it was 166/90. It came down a little with more rest. She said your long shifts are over and you must rest until this resolves. I had PIH labs done stat and they were normal. I'm going back to see Dr. Tracy on Friday & do a 24 hour urine collection for protein (don't ask!). So since I didn't have hypertension before pregnancy, my diagnosis is gestational hypertension.

So with lots of rest--2 or 3 naps a day and sleeping 8-9 hours at night, my BP is between 130-150/74-84...so rest is helping. It's frustrating for a control gal like me to not have any control over my own body..but sometimes I am just lying on the couch and my pulse is bounding enough for me to count my heart rate in my head. Weird..huh. Of course, sometimes I can let myself go down the dark road of worry, but I would say that overall, I'm positive & upbeat b/c it's not getting worse right now. My risk of pre-eclampsia is higher now, up to 25%, but I keep telling myself that there's a 75% chance of it not occurring. Jack is moving more and sometimes there are lumps or body parts that I can feel on the outside--interesting! I talk to him and tell him to hold on, grow big & fast, and if needed, I'll hang upside down for him to stay in there as long as possible!

Side note...the 2007-2008 UNC Basketball roster is out....usually, there is a time when I am learning everyone's statistics, position, hometown, etc but alas, we only have 1 new player. He is Will Graves, a red-shirt freshman and now the heaviest player on our team...he must be built like a brick wall...6-6 and 245 lbs! They update this roster and it's even been known for a player to lose an inch of height (how is that?) but I'll bet by Jan/Feb, Mr. Graves will slim down a little after he does all the running that Roy demands! I'm still waiting (impatiently) for the schedule to be released...it should be anytime.

The Apple Has a Stem

August 1st came & went and we had our anatomy screen of the baby. Beginning several days before, I started feeling more and more both excited and nervous. I knew if an anomaly was identified, I would have a new set of concerns...but I keep telling myself that it is a 98% chance for everything being healthy. I prayed alot and was unusually calm (some denial mixed in too). I told Karen, our ultrasound technician, that I took care of sick babies....she responded with "I know your type" and then smiled. She was great to tell us what she was looking for and then a "normal" afterwards. The baby was moving around alot and kicking, with hands by the mouth...it was great to see. Mr. Tarheel smiled really big. All measurements/growth/everything was reported as "normal". I'll see the written report when I go see Tracy on Wednesday. As she was scanning down the abdomen, Karen asked, "would you like to know the gender?". We said yes, together. The image was perfectly clear...a boy! We're so happy & can start calling him by his name....Jack Christopher!

19 weeks, 21 to go!

For all of you concerned people out there, here are my feet, elevated above my heart...Yes, my swelling continues, only mild in the right foot and moderate in the left. I wear RaRa's compression stockings when I'm working about 12-14 hours until pain sets in...it helps. This picture was after a day off, so working doesn't make it worse.

This week, I've been feeling little light touches inside...no distinctive thumps but it's getting stronger. It's easiest to feel when I'm sitting straight up, after eating. But a few days ago, I felt it while standing, before lunch. When I feel it, I have a reassuring thought...you're alive in there, I tell the baby.

My background anxiety continues...I think of the next milestone...the big anatomy scan on 8/1, Wednesday @ 4:30pm...we hope to find out the sex, if the baby cooperates! Neither Mr. Tarheel nor I have had any dreams about what sex it is, so we'll be surprised. I've been working alot and this is the root of most of my anxiety...I work with sick babies. Like the car commercial, I go from calm to terror in 2.3 seconds when dealing with extreme prematurity, or genetic defects, and this week, we've had 2 deaths...which are rare. So I focus on doing what I can for the babies/families, I keep breathing in/out, and putting one foot in front of the other. I know my chance of having a healthy term baby is 98%. One thing is for sure, pregnancy is a temporary condition!

1:20,000

Today I got the integrated screen results and it wasn't just another "normal" it was "way better than normal", the equivalent of A++. The risks of a chromosomal abnormality is 1:20,000, which equals a 0.00005% chance. I'll sleep good tonight! Maybe I should buy a lotto ticket today too.

I took a belly picture...since I had to take it myself, I left my head out. Imagine my face with a big smile on it! This is me at 17 weeks pregnant...

For the last few days, I have gotten an organization bug. I've started cleaning out drawers, boxes, and throwing old junk away. I feel productive! I have to consolidate 2 closets into 1, so I'm cleaning out the one in the future nursery first. I'm a little supersticious, so we won't be officially calling it the nursery until September, the edge of viability. But dreams are forming for future crib purchases, themes, etc. Any ideas?

Don't worry, I still take my daily afternoon nap after lunch...resting up for my long work weekend of Friday & Sunday...both 25 hour shifts. Saturday will be an official sleep day!

A Healthy Dose of Denial

Coping with pregnancy is a new experience. I'm an old hat at coping with infertility...I'm an expert at waiting to become pregnant but actually being pregnant is so completely different. My #1 coping strategy so far has been denial. Now, I remember believing that denial was never good or appropriate. Over the years, I've learned that denial can be OK unless it keeps you from doing what you need to be doing. My denial is highest in the mornings because unless I see that side view of myself in the mirror, I feel like a heavier version of my non-pregnant self. Something or someone will break my denial bubble by bringing up something like "Congratulations, how far along are you?" or go to give me hug. I do a double take sometimes and think, wow, they are happy for Me. Then the old alibi of fear steps in, telling me "oh yes, you are pregnant now, but you don't know if you'll have a premature baby or a healthy one or tease me with negative thoughts of being an old 41 year old mother...". At this moment, I decide to take one day at a time and use more denial (I have a limitless amount) and after a little prayer, go on about my daily business!

Denial aside, I've updated the look of the blog and put a pregnancy ticker at the top. This was a big step for me and just a small way to decrease the denial and say, yes, you are 17 weeks pregnant today! When I saw the 161 days left, I threw some denial back on because that seems like such a long time from now!

Ice cream, snoring, & other random thoughts

Summer madness is here, the wonderful, beautiful Pacific Northwest summer. Amnesia ensues for everyone here, no thoughts about rain or gray days....just the beautiful, daily view of our Mt. Rainer. I'm feeling lucky because I have air conditioning and that means that I can sleep cool and only wake myself up from snoring. When your snoring wakes you up, you realize that you've heard a sound, but you're not sure at first what...is it someone trying to come in? Despite clear and open nasal passages all day, my nose is stuffy at night and poor Mr. Tarheel doesn't complain too much. He wakes me up sometimes with various descriptions of the sounds that I'm making and it's quite sweet except he thinks I having decreased oxygen or hypoxia...but I don't think so...what do you think? I told him that if he was so very worried that he could record my snoring and come with me to my next appointment and play it for Tracy to see if she thinks I should get a sleep apnea test....so we'll see.

I've developed a liking to a new favorite St*rb*cks drink...an orange creamsicle. You must try it, it's a frappacino and the best treat in the world. I have decided not to look up the nutritional information because I don't need any more guilt in my life.

Speaking of ice cream, I had ice cream for dinner tonight...mint chocolate chip..my favorite. I compromised with the slow, churned brand, 1/2 the fat. Mr. Tarheel was questioning the nutrition of such a dinner ...I read this week that one reason why your children like food that you like & eat is because the amniotic fluid is slightly flavored by the mother's diet. So I told Mr. Tarheel that the baby will like all foods hot & spicy (it must burn) and mint chocolate chip flavor! He shook his head...it must be hard to keep trying to understand a wild & crazy 40 year old pregnant woman.

More random thoughts....being 40 & pregnant...wow, never in my wildest dreams. I remember looking up what age I would be for the new millennium & feeling sad that I would be so old, in my 30's. It's a good thing that as you age, your concept of age changes. I do believe that if I was 30, this pregnancy wouldn't be as stressful on my body...but here I am. I feel good right now, just a little more tired than normal. Maybe that has something to do with my snoring...

Now, a note to the real Tarheel fans....only 4 months to basketball season. I hear your screaming already! I'm waiting and checking weekly for the release of the 07-08 roster/schedule. It usually comes out in August. Congrats to Brandan Wright...#8 overall in the NBA draft! Check out his story: http://tarheelblue.cstv.com/sports/m-baskbl/spec-rel/062807aab.html

That will be one lucky baby...to be able to start watching the Tarheels right after birth!

16 weeks, 3 days

The last week has passed mostly uneventfully. After work on Thursday, I'll be having the quad screen drawn and will find out the results early the next week. Only 3 weeks left until the anatomy screen and hopefully finding out the sex of the baby. That is so far down on my list, but it will be good to be able to say "he" or "she" instead of "the baby" or "it" to reference the baby. As time gets closer, I'm sure I'll have a crescendo of anxiety. I've seen the list put out by genetics to discuss various anomalies and pray that I won't be on any such list. I'm also not naive about getting all these "normal" reports and then after the fact, there is something wrong. When I do my own newborn exam on the baby, I'll have some reassurance then and only then. Now, I wait & trust!

I tried to take a picture of myself to show how pregnant I look. I kept deleting them b/c I actually hated how I looked. I have gained weight all over, not just in the stomach area. So unless you remember my pre- pregnancy body, it just looks like I've gained weight. But I know I have amnesty right now and actually don't worry too much about it. My stomach is firm and round and it is slowly getting bigger. It will be interesting as this unfolds. I'll write more again soon:)

I'm Normal

Today is Mr. Tarheel & my 13 year anniversary...where have all the years gone? It just seems like yesterday, we were young, footloose, & fancy-free. Yes, we were dumb & naive too & dirt poor, but I'm chosing to remember the great memories! Here's to many more years of wedded bliss!

My prenatal visit this week was another "normal". There I was, sitting in the office, waiting to go back, feeling like an imposter. There were "pregnant" women sitting all around me. Very pregnant women. They were smiling, & chatting, & reading magazines. I don't feel like a real pregnant woman yet. I get anxious as I'm driving to my appointment. I write down my questions, & review them in the waiting room. These aren't your normal questions, like how is everything going. These are questions like, when can we make sure the aorta is coming off the left ventricle and how common is a choriod plexus cyst. I'm trying not to have a OCD pregnancy, even though I fight a gravitational pull toward it. I've even missed a few days of my prenatal vitamin...

It goes like this...you check your urine for glucose/protein. I did mine twice, just to make sure. I weigh myself and they trust you to tell them, the truth. I gained 4 pounds in 5 weeks. Wow! The assistant takes you into the room..super nice girl named Eva. She takes your blood pressure...again, I'm looking at the dial and wondering how can she be so sure when she's letting the air out that fast? Tracy comes in...she's chatty & smiling. She answers all my questions, reassurringly. She gets the doppler and puts in down very low and the wonderful sound of a heart rate of 160 is pounding away. I think to myself, the baby is still alive! I write down her instructions on how to schedule my ultrasound...at 19 instead of 18 weeks so we can see that pesky pulmonary artery/aorta that I'm so insistent to see. She tells me, if they can't see it, we'll do another ultrasound later in pregnancy. I add, can they see the diaphragm then too? She says, Yes! I start breathing deeper. Next week is the quad screen...the second part of my integrated screen. I should hear by the following Monday/Tues. Ok, I say, I write these things down too. Then a break in the conversation happens and I say, I'm anxious about all this. She smiles and says, of course, everyone who works with sick babies has anxiety, you're NORMAL. I'm normal, I think? Ok, I repeat to myself as I leave, I'm normal!

14 weeks 5 days :)

A month has passed and I am still pregnant....I say that over & over to convince myself. Denial is a strong coping mechanism! The nausea is gone now and I feel like I recovered from a bout of the flu that lasted 6 weeks. My nuchal thickness was normal (another normal...it's beginning to sound more familiar) and I had all my pregnancy lab work drawn. I tried to convince them that I did not need my blood type drawn b/c the donor is A+, but they insisted...it doesn't matter what my blood type is, duh! My feet are beginning to swell, left greater than right but my BP is still good. Next doctor's appt is Monday, July 2...Mr. Tarheel is planning to go so he can meet Tracy. I had a nice visit back home to NC and loved seeing everyone. My next visit will be when I'm on maternity leave and I'll be taking the baby! Next milestone is the anatomy ultrasound during the week of July 23 @ 18 weeks.