Keep Trying

Once in a while, you stumble upon something and wonder if it is a random coincidence or if the event was orchestrated by God.  Finding this quote on a card in the woods was one such occurrence.  It's a good mantra spoken by the famous football coach, Lou Holtz.  We will all fail at this over and over again.  But it doesn't mean we should stop trying.  Forgive yourself and start over.

Surprise Memory

It's a good feeling to remember the good memories.  And, oh, how there are so many good places to go in my mind.  I stay there sometimes for awhile before the inevitable questions come up...you know the ones like, was he really happy that day or was it a cover-up.  I dismiss those quickly and focus on the fact that I was happy in that happy memory moment.

Here's Jack sleeping & notice his left hand in his waistband.  That's how C slept a lot & I hadn't thought of this in months.  This is a good memory, just a simple way that a person is.  

The Agony of a Drop Off

There are times when I try very hard to put myself in Jack's shoes.  I know it is my perception of his shoes, his life, but I so want to see the world through his eyes so I can be the best Mom possible.  One such moment happens when he is being brought from Dad's house to mine.  

A couple of days ago, this is how it went.  He walks up slowly & I say hello, it's good to see you.  His response was hi.  Dad hands me a few things, the violin & books.  Jack gets distracted by some dry leaves on the ground.  Us adults exchange some bits of important co-parenting info.  Then comes the awkward moment when the 'non-residential' parent says good-bye.  

Jack sat down on Dad's foot and wrapped his arms around his leg & said, Daddy, stay here with us.  Exhale.  My eyes perform on cue to the stab of all that has been lost for Jack, they fill up with tears.  Dad looked over briefly and said, no I have to leave and you are staying here with Mama.  So Jack let go and stood up, looking down.  Dad reached out and scratched Jack's head.  Dad said I love you and have fun.  Jack, looking sad, quietly said I love you too and starting picking up the dry leaves and crushing them.  Dad looked back at me.  I silently held the eye contact, making sure not to be the first one to look away.  He walked away and didn't look back.

I stood there breathing in and out for a couple of minutes while Jack crushed every leaf.  I asked God for wisdom.  The tears dried up and I said, without a crack in my voice, let's go get in the hot tub.  So he jumped up with an emphatic yes and ran inside ahead of me.

What must it be like to always miss one parent while you are with the other one?   I believe we were a good parenting team, balancing each other.  Now, it's one or the other.  But he does have resilience and I'm praying for the effects to have a low price tag.

Amputation

My Dad recently lost blood flow to his right foot & the vascular surgeon could only open up the vessel to the mid-calf.  My Dad's foot started dying so to save his life from infection, his foot had to be amputated.  What a blow!  

He's doing great now physically & emotionally!  He's in a rehab center, doing therapy 3 X a day.  He will get a prosthetic leg but his stump must heal completely before he can walk on it.  He can move himself from the bed to his wheelchair on his own & getting stronger.  I miss him but hope to visit around the holidays.  He will be home by them.

My amputation was emotional, I still have both legs & arms.  My stump is healing but not ready yet to bear weight.  I am finding inspiration to write about my journey.  

Early Morning

Mornings are my favorite time of the day. Sunny summer mornings are my favorite.  I love to watch Jack sleep and hear his slow, deep breaths while I'm reading in bed.  Fresh coffee is always nearby.

I write down some thoughts.  I purposefully push away the anticipated troubles for today.  I breath in & out slowly in graditude.  Calm.

Today

As a transplanted Southerner, I usually say, "that's not right".  Other times, I revert back and say, "that ain't right".  Not seeing Jack every day feels like a cut with a dull knife.  A knife slowly slicing through my heart without any numbness to deaden the pain.  But I am determined to cope well.  And I do some of the time.  I have time to take care of me, do things to expand who I am.  I work, which is more than a necessary annoyance.  I love to help people and I have no shortage of opportunity for that.  But there are times when the pain and tears come.  The old me would suppress and deny. Avoid.   The new me is different.  I run toward it & look for ways to lessen it's impact.  It's a 3D image, of what I don't know yet.

My Little Voice

My little voice and I have become closer, more in tune with each other over the last months.  She has two sides though and they both fight for control.

Most of the time, mine is an encourager, a dreamer, a planner, a big fan of ME!  Saying things like, you are an awesome, bad-ass, look what you can do, you've got this, you can't fail because you will not stop until you succeed!  You can always find the good in people and choose to focus on that good part.  You can depend on you, because you will never, ever let yourself down!  You are GOOD!

Then the opposing side chimes in with phrases like, how stupid can someone be to not recognize that someone doesn't love you for years!  Look how far into denial a person can go!  You are too loud, too open with broken boundaries, you can really screw up!  You can't boil water, you can't even follow directions on a box of macaroni correctly.  You touch everything with dirty, sticky hands.  Yada, yada, yada.....

I shout back at her to shut up, stop it, silence!

She whispers to me as I drift off to my twilight sleep....you are smart, strong, capable, & worthy.  You are not perfect and that's OK.  Yes, you will fail & you will fall but you will persevere!  You will walk through the fire & not be consumed.  Burned, yes, but not consumed.

PS:  What does your little voice tell you?  

Fading memories

Sometimes memories sneak out of my eyes and roll down my cheek.

Some will be vivid for a long, long time but the day to day, seemingly insignificant ones are getting fuzzy.  I am processing a little each day.  Reminiscing, with a focus on the good early years.

I thought of writing some of them here & now but the tears began.  Another day.  Talked today with Carlye about capacity vs choice.  Even now, my heart searches for the good, an explainable reason for this pain.  But, it came down to a choice.  One side stood happiness & on the other side stood commitment & me.  They hadn't co-existed in quite some time.  Don't judge others, 

I remind myself.   I have fallen short so many times.  But I still believe deep in my heart that I would have made a different choice.

There goes another memory....different is not worse, it's just different.

Yes, we sure were different.

Progress is Good!

Yes, this is me on a cold winter day, standing at the Old Well on UNC's campus.  Looking through old pictures this morning, saw this one, & liked it.  I remember feeling peaceful that day.

I feel very calm, alert, & focused today.  But the fight is ON.  Thinking about my priorities & evaluating if I spend my time accordingly.  Balance is a challenge but I have made progress.

Movement in the right direction is progress, no matter how slow.  The tortoise won...

I'm not (try) going to beat myself up today.  Live in the moment, the present (a gift).  Thinking about forgiving myself (70 X 7) & this quote sums it up:

Do your best & when you know better, do better.  Knowing better sure can be a bitch.

Yes, progress is good!

Happy, yes!

Moving on with grace is a IG kindred spirit.  We are on parallel courses.  At first, I resented those who looked happy. I told myself, maybe they are in denial about their life or getting ready to be blindsided by the "I'm not happy" speech.  There were no grins or chuckles.  I wasn't the chatty, bubbly person that I had been.  

Then, I forced myself to smile occasionally but only when Jack was directly looking at me.  I'm sure the lips may have been slightly upturned but the eyes weren't in agreement.  I would turn away, out of his sight, before each tear drop fell.  I pretended, for him.  Fake happiness is like silk flowers, no fragrance to enjoy.

Then one day, I spontaneously responded to something funny at work.  I laughed. Everyone turned & smiled at me.  I smiled back before the pain crept in again.  Several people told me that it was good to see me smile.

More time passed. Here & there, for a second, then a minute or two. I could forget & be happy in the moment.  But it can't be forced.  It just has to happen.

Today, I told a joke with all the witty twists & turns that made all who listened roar.  I let out an open mouth belly laugh.  It was pure joy.  A coworker said it was good to have the old Teresa back.

But the old Teresa will never come back.  But the new stronger me is fighting for more of those moments of happiness.  Yes, I think it's time to be happy again.

Tears

If tears could be counted, what would be the average number for a lifetime?

I hope my laughs outnumber the tears, by the end.  Without great love, there is no great grief or loss.  I am feeling both.  I believe I am doing well and then there is a set back.  Time passes and the pain & anger trickle slowly out until the next wave.

The large, crushing wave throws me down & I struggle to get back up.  I lie there, alone, drowning in the grief.  There aren't words to describe it.  I ask for help & sometimes the help comes from within.  Sometimes, above.  Sometimes, alongside.  But it always comes.

I stand up & take a big breath.  Exhale.  Steady my feet & take the next step.

Clyde

At work today, just went to a birthday party for Clyde, born 7 weeks early and a spit fire.   Feisty babies make my job easier.  I talked to Jack on FaceTime & there's improvement with him doing more talking & paying attention.  I don't miss him when I'm busy at work but in the night time, thoughts of him are constant. 

I feel the weight of a heavy yoke but I know it's supposed to be light.  A few tears fall & I deliberately make a choice to focus on the details of our day tomorrow together.  I breathe in & out and the sad feeling diminishes.

Rest time awaits me until the next page.

Cover Your Eyes

So much time has passed with no posts but this blog crosses my mind more often lately.  I'm ready to write again.

Deciding what to write and where to start perplexes me.  As I think about it, my heart & mind flood with many memories.  My heart rate stays steady.  That's why I know I'm ready.  

Just a sneak peak for now...there have been many changes but I am still the #1 Tarheel fan.  

I have found a new source of joy, ESPN Classic Tarheel games.  The DVR can be set to record everything Tarheel but there is 1 problem.  When you open up the recording, it not only gives the teams & dates...but the final score!  I can watch the best games & know if they win or not beforehand.  Most of the time, like a true fan, I cover my eyes so I can relish the competition.  As in life, I want to enjoy the journey, win or lose!

Smile, Even If It's Fake

You is kind.
You is special.
You is important.

10/18/14

Some days are like any other day until you realize what happened on that date. This was the official day of the end of my marriage.  You have probably heard a similar story, about how "friends" became more, so much more. And of course, the other person was totally unaware.  Yes, that other person was me.

Part of Something Great

We all belong to different groups, some with more influence on our life than others.  Sometimes we are lucky enough to belong to one so special, so profoundly great, that we may wonder if we deserve such an honor.  There is such a group that I have the privilidge of belonging to—the nurse practitioners of Pediatric Medical Group in Seattle.

 

We all took various paths to get here but there are common themes in each of our journeys.  We love to take care of sick babies and we were good at it, so we decided we wanted to have more responsibility.  This involved going back to school for a master’s degree, and  completing many hours of clinical practice to learn advanced management and skills.  We are all smart,  some are downright brilliant, and we all have the quality of persistence.  When obstacles present themselves, we get busy finding a way around, over, or even blasting through it.  We have stamina and endurance to perform hour after hour (25 sometimes) and can appear well despite colds, trigger fingers, and even contractions.  We commiserate during breakfast about the calls, codes, and numbers.  We enjoy eating together because that means we can talk shop and the other person really “gets” it.  We know that are in this together.

 

We know we aren't perfect so we look for ways we can improve.  But as we strive to become even better, we know we are still great.  We are the A team, A for awesome!  I’m so grateful to walk along side these women.  I appreciate each of their contributions in the care of each baby and each other to make the world a better place.  I am better because of them--thank you!

Happy Birthday Jack!

Hello Jack!

 

There are some dates that you will never forget.

 

4/21/99

3/31/00

1/27/01

8/8/01

 

These are the dates of our losses.

 

 

The story doesn't end here in the valley.  There was the mountain of infertility to climb, one foot in front of the other.  It was a long, arduous journey.  But there is a happy ending.

 

12/3/07

 

Jack was born--we became parents!

 

 

Happy Birthday to our 6 year old!



Riley & Jack

Jack has a great friend named Riley!  They play together well.  She's only a week older and have played t-ball & soccer together.  It's awesome to see how Jack acts around a peer.  The things he says make me smile.  She is an only child too & they practice working things out.  Friends are great & her Mom Ginger & I are good friends too :)

The Brown Park

We've named all the parks based on color---so one of our most favorites is called the brown park (not surprisingly, the play equipment is brown!).  The real name is Pete's Pool, even though, there's not a pool there anymore.  But there is a neat play structure, a huge log activity center, an artificial turf football field, baseball field, lots of tall evergreens with a short walk toward the Enumclaw golf course.  Rumor has it that this area was used by Gary Ridgeway for a "dumping" site, but that's another story.  

We've spent many hours there when Jack was younger and as he's gotten older, we go there less often.  Recently when we were out & about, Jack asked to go to the brown park and we did.  We are usually alone there, he & I.  I'm not so fun to play with anymore, but I try, oh so hard.  We watched a high school girl's soccer practice on the field.  Jack threw back a loose ball.  We went on our "hike" toward the golf course.  Jack told me, "just wait here Mom, & watch me."....OK Jack, I was thinking, you need some alone time.  Then as I looked at him, I knew I had it wrong...he has too much alone time.  Poor only kid!  Anyway, it's getting pretty difficult to get a great picture of Jack...but I was able to!

Fall Sunshine at the brown park, aka Pete's Pool

For Halloween, Jack was a vampire.  I tried & tried to talk him out of it...not sure why.  Look, he's an awesome vampire:)

Count Jackula!

Northwest Fall

Pumpkin Patch Fun

Corn Box Smile

Corn Maze Frolic

We're having some of the best fall times ever here around the Myers' homestead.  Jack is into decorating for each holiday and chooses decorations as sticker chart prizes.  He wants to give a party for each holiday.  Jack is in kindergarten and loves reading Bob books.  He read (a post-call 24 hour shift) Mama to sleep for the first time!

On a dry fall day, we made our annual trip to the Thommason Family Farm Pumpkin Patch.  It's obvious that now Jack doesn't have as much fun with his parents as a friend to pal around with.  He was RUNNING through the corn maze and called us "slow pokes" --in fun, of course.  Me, with my coffee, had no intention of running anywhere.  We love making memories with our boy!