Sleeping (aka Sawing Logs)

Here's a picture of my pillow wedge that Mr. Tarheel designed to help me with my breathing (aka snoring) at night. He refuses to go sleep in the guest room (aka foolish dedication) and has been known to press on my chin (aka jaw thrust) to see if he can open my airway more. Tucker (aka future big brother) hasn't complained yet!

Big News! UNC #1 and 32 weeks!

Big news...UNC ranked pre-season #1 in Coaches poll and I'm 32 weeks today! This Tarheel gal couldn't be happier....well, let me think about that. I'll be happier, first, when I see my healthy baby Jack and I'll be happier, second, when on March 16, UNC is wins the National Championship! This next year is going to be the happiest year of my life!

Here's some news:
GREENSBORO, N.C. -- The University of North Carolina was the unanimous pick as the favorite to win the Atlantic Coast Conference championship in men's basketball in 2007-08 and Tyler Hansbrough was voted the preseason ACC player of the year.

Men's Hoops No. 1 in Coaches' Poll
The University of North Carolina is ranked No. 1 in the nation in the 2007-08 preseason men's basketball coaches' poll, which was released by USA Today and ESPN Friday morning.

The Votes are In

Thanks to everyone who voted...helping me to guess what gestation Jack will be when he is born. Here are the results:

31-33 weeks: 18%
34-36 weeks: 43%
37-39 weeks: 37%

The funny thing is....about 18% of the time, I think he will come soon (31-33 weeks)...especially after my 32 week dream. Dr. Tracy has said several times that her prediction is the "middle 30's", which would be 34-36 weeks. But I'm banking on December 1st--the day that I turn 37 weeks---so in 36 days! I'm visualizing 37 weeks and a 7lb healthy baby, without any feeding problems:)

Puffy Is as Puffy Does

I know it's wordless Wednesday, but I need words today. On Monday, I was feeling more (& very) puffy...when I weighed myself yesterday morning, I had gained 7 lbs since my appointment on Friday. Now, in my pre-pregnant life, the number would have taken my breath away, but I'm passed that...my mind started racing towards the question, "Is this the beginning of pre-eclampsia?" So, of course, I didn't call Dr. Tracy until my sister, RaRa from SC told me to!

Yes, they were concerned enough to have me come in for a visit. Especially after I mentioned that I was short of breath with very slow walking. Dr. Tracy wasn't there, so I saw Dr. Megan. I liked her plan...check stat PIH (pre-eclampsia) labs, do a non-stress test, and give steroids if either isn't normal. This was my first non-stress test. There are 2 probes attached to your stomach...one to check for uterine contractions and one for the baby's heart rate. To "pass" the test, Jack had to have an acceleration in his heart rate, at least 15 beats above the baseline, lasting for at least 15 seconds. He was moving constantly (after I drank apple juice) and the nurse kept having to chase him with the probe. He cooperated better when I was on my left side. He passed and I had no contractions!

The labs turned out to be normal...yes, still in the normal range, not approaching the edge of the range, and not getting worse. My BP went from 160/90 (after walking in) to 110/60 (after lying down for 30 minutes). Dr. Megan's Plan: stay pregnant and rest more!

But, I say, I'm SO PUFFY! She says, yes, yes, it will probably get worse. I ask, when will I pop? She empathetically laughs. I appreciate the humor, but I don't laugh because I'm serious. One gallon of water weighs about 8 lbs...so my body is retaining lots of water. Hopefully, my heart and kidneys can keep pushing for another 5 weeks...Luckily, I bought a pair of 9 1/2 house shoes to wear b/c all my other shoes are 7 1/2!

Revisiting An Old Dream

Early in my pregnancy, when everything was "normal", including my BP...I had a dream that Jack would be born at 32 weeks. The next day, I went to work and we had five 32 week admissions...2 sets of twins and a singleton. That was weird but hopefully not prophetic. In my dream, I remember that Jack needed CPAP and one of my co-workers was giving me the RDS (respiratory distress syndrome) speech...like I've done so many times before. Mr. Tarheel was there, standing, and I was sitting in a wheelchair. I told him to sit down b/c he was pale. I turned and told my co-worker that I'd like them to intubate Jack and give him the survanta anyway. Then I woke up. In my dream, I wasn't emotional just my usual opinionated self. I see these "older" premies that need CPAP and believe they breath and eat better, faster, with a dose of survanta. Hopefully, this meant nothing....

But, I am concerned b/c I'm getting weaker, more swollen, more short of breath, and my world continues to shrink as I go from the bed to the couch and back again. Good news...my BP is still under 160/100--the magic numbers for possibly going into the hospital for more aggressive treatment. We're holding on...

Getting Closer--31 weeks!

Yesterday was another appointment to have an ultrasound and see Dr. Tracy....during the US, Jack was wiggling all over the place and putting his arms/hands near his head/mouth. The tech captured a great profile picture this time and each time I look at it, I think...Wow, there he is! Now, I still don't believe those mothers who say they didn't know they were pregnant and go to the ER with "abdominal pain" and then give birth to an 8 lb baby. How would you not know something very different is happening to your body with the normal changes of pregnancy? I've used denial, but even denial has it's limitations.

Jack's estimated weight is 4 lbs-6oz (60%), so my BP problems have not affected his growth. Everything is being reported as "normal"...and this time, he was big enough to see his gall bladder and aortic arch. You know me....wanting to check out everything possible! Dr. Tracy was pleased with the report but as I expected, thought my BP is getting too high again. So she increased my labetalol (BP medication). We are trying to achieve a balance because when I'm resting, my BP is normal and more medication could cause the resting BP to go too low. She brought up induction of labor when there's no where else to go with this and my/Jack's health begins to be affected. That's when I began my long request of a primary C-section...it was funny, b/c she cut me off after about 2 sentences, with the response, "OK". She said that I was right, there are less neonatal risks when the dating is correct (like in our case with IVF) and I would have at least a 50% chance to need one anyway with all my risk factors. Of all the things that I have had absolutely no control over during this experience, it felt weird but great to have a sliver of control! This is a load off my mind until I start thinking of the pain of surgery, but he has to come out one way or the other and my first choice is c-section.

So I go in now for weekly non-stress tests and appointments and there's a new push to get ready for him...I've ordered the crib and dresser/changing table and it will arrive next week.

My Sleeping Boys

Now, it's 30 weeks!

Yippee, instead of my lips starting to say TW (for twenty), now they can form TH (for thirty) and this is the phonetic sound that I will be making when I describe when Jack is born.....Yes, it's 30 weeks & 97% survival without severe sequela. That number is so high, we don't have to think anymore about survival with sequela because that's not going to happen!

Sometimes, time passes so slow...like the school clock in Risky Business (email me if you know what I'm talking about), that I sometimes think the clock is tricking me by ticking backwards. Then other times, I look at the pregnancy ticker and think, oh no, I have too much to do to get ready for this boy. There are too many books to read, too many movies to watch, more photo albums to do, birth announcements, Christmas cards, the nursery to set up....on & on. But then this old(er) pregnant body does the talking....telling me to rest after only about 5 minutes of anything unless I'm sitting/reclining. When this is over, my drive to move is going to take over and I'm going to be able to get things done.

But then again, I imagine that I'll be sitting for hours, staring into his face, feeling so thankful for this blessing named Jack.

Teenager Vs. Advanced Maternal Aged Red Angus

Starting today, I'm going to try a new thing...wordless Wednesday. I know, I know, this isn't wordless...but I felt compelled to at least tell you why I'll just be posting a picture and you'll only have the title as text--starting next week. This should be fun & help my creativity:)

Some of you know that I'm a Red Angus owner & certified cow watcher (yes, I'm in charge of nutrition & reproduction...Mr. Tarheel does all the dirty work!). The younger cow in the top is Scout, born in March 6th, weighing 88 lbs and on 9/1, she weighed 639 lbs. So she's officially a teenager and can be bred next summer/fall. The bigger Red Angus above is #38. I know, I should have thought of a name for her....but didn't/haven't. So her tag number is 38. She's 10 years old...already delivered about 7 or 8 calves and is officially advanced maternal age! She has an intermittently limp with arthritis and we are treating her gently to help her gain some weight (see the ribs). She is about 100 days pregnant (270 days is the gestation). She is SO laid back...you can walk behind her & she won't kick! Take Mr. Tarheel's advice and never stand behind a cow! I'll take her example & try to develop a laid back attitude since I'm in the advanced maternal age category also!

Baby Shower on 11/3: For Me?

You're invited to a Baby Shower on

Saturday, November 3, 2007

from 12-3pm (drop-in)

at Debbie Lester's home

7417 NE 198th PL

Kenmore, WA 98028

Please bring an appetizer to share.

Jack Christopher is registered at BabiesRUs (search under Teresa Myers)

RSVP (425) 486-8869 or

email: deb@isis.bm

In my previous infertile life, baby showers were a testament to extreme endurance and suppression of pain....it's right there in your face...what you hope for, save for, wait for....to have your own baby is happening for someone else & it's usually much, much easier than it will ever be for you. Now, don't get me wrong...infertiles are happy for those they care about having babies (even when it was easy for them), but it's just when you are left behind, the pain is ever so sharp. You must garner the energy to believe that it will be you one day...you will be the guest of honor at your own baby shower! There's a date on the calendar & Jack is constantly moving...it's finally happening for me!

Woo-Hoo at 29 Weeks!

This morning, early, before the clouds came up, I woke up Tucker (he's not a morning dog) and shouted---29 WEEKS today! He looks at me, wondering, what is all the excitement about? I ask forgiveness for the early arousal by giving him a new toy---a toy gorilla that makes gorilla sounds when it's squeezed. He's a fast learner....I only demonstrate it once and he's off to his spot and the house sounds like a jungle for the next 10 minutes. Enough time for me to make my coffee (decaf, of course) and sit down for my first rest break of the day.

Yes, the outcome data for 29 weeks is up to 97% survival and 93% without severe sequela....every day still counts because it means less time in the hospital and faster discharge. But of course, my goal is for him to come home with me--full-term! I'm starting to wonder how it will be to see him and take care of him! It's like waiting for Christmas to come when you're a kid...the anticipation is growing!

Doctor's order: More Rest

Yesterday was another appointment with Dr. Tracy. We're really getting to know each other well....after Jack is born, who will listen to all my aches & pains and help me solve all my problems?

None of my BPs are "dangerous" but they are trending up with even less activity...so more rest is in order. She entertained the idea of increasing the medicine again but with rest, my BP is normal and can't go any lower. She did the PIH labs again, so I'll find out those results today. My measurement went up 1 cm and is supposed to go up 2 in 2 weeks---so before the next appointment, I'll have another growth ultrasound. Maybe I heard her differently when she said things like..."He's not going to be a VLBW baby....hopefully, we'll get to the middle 30's gestation, and get ready for him..." Am I imagining things or is she preparing me for a preterm birth?

Dr. Tracy said the obvious...you can't go back to work while you're pregnant...duh! I needed to be told because there was a sliver of hope left in me. It had dwindled significantly when I stopped by work on my way over to my appointment (the buildings are connected with a skybridge). First of all, just getting ready for work and getting there would skyrocket my BP and the activity required there wouldn't definitely be too much....so I must adjust! It will be there, with it's joys & stresses, after Jack...

Excuse me, I must go rest....

First Goal Achieved--28 weeks today!

Today is a good day...my first goal reached--28 weeks! Hip, hip, hooray! 95% survival!!!! Back in the middle of August when my BP first went up, I kept looking at today's date on the calendar, hoping & praying that Jack would not be born in September. Here it is the end of September and everything is stable...no signs of preeclampsia and acceptable BPs on higher labetalol and lots of sitting around.

My nephew Lance once said, as he was buckled in his car seat, "I'm stuck!". I don't have a choice but to be a cooperative, compliant patient but the energy required to stay sane is increasing. If my thoughts turn south, I know to call someone who is a positive force and even discussing a new recipe or a recent cold will divert my attention. Mr. Tarheel, who isn't a talker, calls several times a day from work and helps distract me & keeps up with my BP. My attention span is decreasing and I've stopped looking at the clock so much. It doesn't matter what time it is to me anymore, except to take my medication. I use the sun for that...sun comes up..take my pills, sun goes down, take my pills...

I'm sure this is just the beginning of putting Jack's needs before mine. He has lots more growing to do, so I wait as patiently as possible. I thought of starting a new countdown--to 37 weeks instead of 40...that takes 21 days off the ticker and seems much less emotionally...so here's to 63 days to go!

The Listening Skills of Tucker

Tucker, the big red dog, is a great listener. As I am constantly talking, he looks at me with his wrinkled brow and his eyes seem to understand what I'm saying. He can interpret Southern!

Let's go back to the beginning...when my precious, first-loved dog Scout died, I sub-consciously had no intentions of letting another dog get inside the deepest part of my heart ever again. Scout was my four-legged son and that's all there was to it. Even though almost 3 years have passed, it's a wound that is still there, rarely sharp, but a consistent dull ache. When Tucker walked into my life, I resisted a deep bond with him. Mr. Tarheel must have quietly sensed this, because he took care of Tucker most of the time.

Over the past year, my guard has slowly been let down as Tucker has not given up on helping me to unconditionally love him. He seeks me out for a pet and follows me around the house constantly. He will even interrupt his sprint for the neighbor's cat, if I tell him no. He makes me laugh with his whimsical faces. Yes, if he wants to go outside when I'm sleeping, I don't resist anymore or get irritated. I know he wouldn't make me go to the bathroom in the rain if our roles were reversed.

He has been truly excited about spending all this time with me. He will position himself beside the desk, so when I'm on the computer, I can rub him with my feet. He never complains about my naps and takes those opportunities to stretch out & rest his head on Mr. Tarheel's pillow. I've been telling him that our lives will be changing soon and he will be a big brother...& he appears to be listening!

27 weeks today--only 10 more to term!

Yesterday, we went for our ultrasound and appt with Dr. Tracy. Mr. Tarheel noted that I wasn't the least bit nervous this time (a first). I guessed Jack would weigh about 1100 grams--but his estimated weight is 1335 grams/2lb-15oz (81st%) and head circumference is 25.8cm(55%)! Mr. Tarheel (with a smirk on his face) said that we could have a 10 pound baby...but on the growth charts, this percentile at 40 weeks equals an 8lb baby (OK, bigger than my dream of 7lbs, but still OK)! In every category, we were put in the "normal" range with a comment of "borderline greater than expected growth since 8/24". I guess Jack did obey his mother and grow as fast as he could!

I shifted into "OCD pregnancy mode" as we walked over to the OB appt. After chit chatting with Mr. Tarheel, Tracy set me at ease by checking out all my concerns. First, she agreed that with mild activity, my BP was getting too high. I wanted to increase my daytime Labetalol dose and keep the same night time dose--so she agreed and let me feel in control! I was feeling cervical pressure over the last few days, so she checked that out and it was normal. She told me to start relaxing because Jack was going to survive but he was still a "big, wimpy, white boy"....this she had to interpret for Mr. Tarheel...he had never heard of big white baby boys not wanting to breath or eat like others their size/age. We all laughed & I was calm when I left the office. Now, that's a good visit--when you can leave calm!

Today is 27 weeks! Today's outcome data is 94% survival, with 85% without severe sequela! This week the survival % goes up 0.4% daily and the "without severe sequela" % goes up 1.5% daily....As these numbers improve, I do start to hope for more...to go home with us, no feeding problems...I'm feeling greedy!

Preseason Blue Ribbon Poll: UNC #1

The preseason predictions of success begin with the blue ribbon poll & the Tarheels are #1! We await the big boys (the ones that really count)...the AP & ESPN poll.

http://tarheelblue.cstv.com/sports/m-baskbl/spec-rel/091807aac.html

Excitement is building and the first game that Tarheel88 will be able to watch on TV is November 14th at Davidson on ESPN. Only 53 days away! Now we have 2 countdowns going on!

Random Thoughts of Boredom

Yes, I believe I can officially call myself bored. There are levels to everything and the degree of boredom that I'm feeling has reached a deeper level. I think I will look back at this time and wish for a lazy afternoon with no agenda and no fatigue. Too much of any one thing isn't balanced...even resting. So here are some random activities/thoughts of the day:

1. Today I read letters between Mr. Tarheel & I written back in 1994, while he was in Haiti serving Uncle Sam. Wow, just married and young in love...it was refreshing. Time passed: 1 1/2 hours.
   
2. Today, I organized all the needlepoint pillow cases that my precious, recently passed away Aunt Kat made for me--keepsake treasures! Time passed: 30 minutes.
3. I wrote a letter to an old friend's mother, who will never be in computer land and always gives me handmade birthday gifts. I was on a roll and wrote another letter to an aunt to send with a pillow, which was made by her mother over 19 years ago. Her mother has passed away and I thought she would love to have this pillow, instead of me keeping it stored in a closet. Letter writing is a long lost art! Time passed: 1 hour.
4. I watched the channel Equator and saw 9 mountain lions hunt/kill a wildabeest...dramatic but real life footage. My obsession with the weather reached an all-time height today when I noticed that during the morning forecast, today's high was decreased 3 times! Time passed: 1 hour.
5. Mr. Tarheel sensed my anxiety about the new dishwasher not being completely installed even though I have lots of time to wash dishes. He obliged me and finished it and it is 100% level! I read the new manual to him aloud and he laughed as I read the section on "How to load for maximum efficiency". Time passed: 1 hour.
6. Daytime Mariners vs. A's--(we swept them!) & crotcheting. Time passed: 2 hours.
7. Reading & nap. Time passed: 1 1/2 hours.
8. Joined a Surviver pool...read all the new Survivor contestant bios. Time passed 15 minutes.

So this is only a total of about 9 hours....Oh yes, I did my kick count, dutifully cooked my oatmeal, took my BP, did some laundry, talked on the phone to my regulars--April & Alayne, and sat in the sun while watering the cows...I guess from this list, I'm staying very busy!

All Smiles at 26 weeks!

As interesting of a person that I am :), sometimes it's difficult to write something here worth reading. Sometimes, it reads blah, blah, blah, blah, blah....but I know that you're all VERY happy that I'm 26 WEEKS TODAY! Now, 26 weeks if one of those in-between weeks but we have to trudge through it to reach our ultimate goal of a full-term baby on December 1st! Some of you may have guessed, that Mr. Tarheel & I are memorizing PMG outcome data based on weeks gestation and birth weight. Don't give me grief, Mr. Tarheel is making an A+ in the class that I am teaching him on Introduction to High Risk Pregnancy! I don't even have to look it up, I know that survival today is 91% and without severe sequelae is 77%....& every day, it goes up! This sounds like I think he's going to be born soon, which really, I don't. If I feel stressed inside, I keep repeating, "Grow Jack, grow" & it helps me calm down! Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want Jack to come out weighing 10 lbs, but a respectable 7 lbs will be fine with me!

I had my first delivery dream last night. It wasn't a nightmare b/c Jack was born full-term. In the dream, I was at home & labor started but I had to wait for Mr. Tarheel to come home to take me to Swedish. It wasn't very long in the dream, but before he arrived, my contractions were so close, I called 911. The ambulance arrived shortly after Chris did and they told me that there's not enough time to get me to Swedish. They took me to Enumclaw hospital, which is 5 minutes away and I had Jack in the ER. I remember that I was so proud to tell everyone that I had natural childbirth! The funny thing is, I have zero intentions to have natural childbirth, but you hear of these situations, when the person doesn't have a choice. When I woke up, I couldn't remember what Jack's face looked like. Maybe, I'll finish the dream tonight!

Waiting for the Other Side

The sun rises, the sun sets, and another day of this pregnancy passes....yes, my mind is going places today. Places in the past, like back in 1996 when we first "tried" to have a baby...now that's 132 months of waiting, 3872 days passing, now hopefully only about a 100 left to go. The dream of having a baby was with me for all those days. Sometimes dreams become realities with determination, patience, persistence, and the intestinal fortitude to keep searching for an achievable way to reach your dream. My dream is happening...each day brings us closer to meeting Jack...oh, what a day it will be!

It's helps for me to see what people are like "on the other side" of infertility/loss. I see smiles and a deep appreciation of the blessings of children. The same qualities that helped them through the dark days trying to have a baby, helps them in their new life as parents. Here's a video called Seasons made by some wonderful parents for the International Infertility Film Festival: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_rwQ4FuyBCo
Luckily, the seasons of our life have brought Mr. Tarheel & I closer...we'll be on the other side soon.

Another Circle Around the Sun

Wow, another circle around the sun has been completed for Tarheel 88. Yes, 9/7/07 was my 41st birthday--a little anti-climatic after last year! Have you ever noticed that when someone is in their 30's, they are still likely to tell you their upcoming age when they talk about their birthday? It becomes less likely as you progress in your 40's, I think.

Mr. Tarheel made sure I had my favorite cake--carrot cake from Black Diamond Bakery...here I am, blowing out my 1 instead of 41 candles! I didn't want to create a fire hazard...Notice the beautiful flowers in the background...sent to me from the best NNPs in the world--Kim, Deb, Heather, Alison, Sandy, Cheryl, Susanne, and Traci.

It was a celebration also to learn that my PIH panel and gestational diabetes tests were normal. Now, the call from Devin, Dr. Tracy's assistant, goes like this...

Ring, Ring..

Tarheel88: hello

Devin: Hi, your labs are normal...Dr. Tracy says keep up the good work and see you on the 21st.

Tarheel88: Now, what was my glucose?

Devin: 100--we like it to be under 140.

Tarheel88: Wow, pancreas of steel! Now what was my creatinine? GFR? Uric Acid? Hct?

Devin: 0.6, >60, 4.6, 36%...all normal. Would you like me to fax you the results?

Tarheel88: No, that's OK, you said they were all completely normal? Did any of them change from last time? I mean, you know how they can still be normal but getting worse....but still officially in the normal range?

Devin: YES, all were COMPLETELY NORMAL--in the NORMAL RANGE (emphasis added)!

I must get her some chocolate before this is over!