Gloating...with Malicious Pleasure

I did survive my first day at work and sped home to see my boy after 27 hours with Mr. Tarheel, aka Daddy. Daddy said it was "easy" and the house didn't blow away in a hurricane. Jack waved his arms and kicked with excitement when he saw me. Then he promptly took a big poop because he secretly knows that I will give him a nice bath because of it. He loves his bath and play time in the tub. We had such fun together....

The babies at worked looked a little smaller than they did before...especially compared to my big boy. It was neat talking about Jack constantly and showing off his picture. My life does revolve around him right now but I had the energy/stamina to direct my attention to the babies who needed me at work. Plus, I had so much adult conversation and didn't really have to hear any loud screaming, like Jack sometimes does at home.

Now on to my 2nd favorite topic...Jack is #1 and I'll give you one guess what is #2................................

I love the Tarheels but who do I hate?

DUKE SUCKS!

And I hate to gloat...(Mr. Webster says this means to think about with malicious pleasure)....but Duke has lost 2 road games in the past week....YIPPEE! Plus, they were to lower ranked teams...Wake Forest & Miami....come Monday, #5 Duke will fall, fall, fall in the rankings and I will be really gloating! The Tarheels play Wake Forest today in Chapel Hill...so I'll be rooting for them big time later today and Jack & I get some much needed rest time. But imagine me falling asleep with a big smile on my face...you know, the smile that means I'm thinking with malicious pleasure....

Sleeping Jack

Jack likes to sleep with his arm over or near his face...which is the exact way Mr. Tarheel sleeps....sorry, but I don't have a picture of Mr. Tarheel sleeping. Plus, I don't like payback and if I took a picture of him sleeping, before you know it, he would play a practical joke on me while I'm sleeping....

Now that you all have had your Jack fix....

Life isn't perfect, even when your dreams come true. I'm challenged with feelings of being overwhelmed and low confidence with this new stage in my life. I tell myself this is normal (I hate this word..., maybe typical is a better one) and as my sister April says, "this too shall pass". Of course, you want to do a great job as a mother but there are so many other things in life that I want to keep doing or feel I must do....I'm a wife, a sister, a daughter, a friend, and now, I'm going back to work tomorrow, I'll be helping sick babies. I know I'm feeling this way today because I'm wondering how will it be to leave Jack and how will it be to see sick, premature babies.

There were so many hours that turned into days, where I would sit/lie here waiting for the day to pass, so I could add one more day to my pregnancy. I didn't go there often, but sometimes, I would envision how it might be if Jack was born on that day...how much would he weigh, what life support would he need, how long would he need to stay in the hospital? The days did pass and my worries decreased....I felt like I won the lottery when he was born at 37 weeks and healthy.

All the other mothers who are having high risk pregnancies and who know what it means to have a premature baby, must feel these things too. Some aren't so lucky...I think I'm having a variation of survivor's guilt. I'm just grateful and happy! So in the whole scheme of things, I tell myself that it will be OK. Tomorrow will come and I will go to work and do my best. Time will pass quickly because I'll be working and thinking about things that haven't been on my mind in 6 months and of course, I'll be talking about Jack to everyone. Mr. Tarheel will be here with Jack. I wonder if he will be struggling with low confidence? Probably not, he's very easy going and takes things in stride.

Jack & Daddy

At the 2 month appointment to see Dr. Brian, we received the usual handout of developmental milestones for the 2-3 month old infant. One of them described the baby prefers the mother's face/voice. Mr. Tarheel (aka Daddy) and I looked at each other and knew we were thinking the same thing. You know you've been married aWHILE when you can look at your spouse and not only are you thinking the exact same thing, but you know by just looking into each other's eyes that you are thinking the exact same thing. Okay, so that explains the communication part.

NOW, what were you thinking, you ask?

Drum roll............Jack doesn't prefer one of us over the other...really, at least not at this point. Daddy Tarheel has been taking care of him almost as much as I have and there is an ebb and flow to this that is benefiting everyone. I'm not disappointed, even secretly. Wow, what a wonderful generation to be in...our Dads weren't able to take care of us about half of the time. Both of us had stay at home Moms and both our Dads were busy working/going to school/war and culturally were not encouraged to have that caregiving role. Now, we turned out good but I think it's better for the father to be able to be there in the thick and thin of taking care of the baby.

There is one thing that Jack prefers from me...my LOUD voice. All of you who know me, know that I am "genetically loud"...I say that because I have tried over & over, so many times to talk softly. I've even been asked why am I always so LOUD? I get so excited to talk or maybe it's what I'm going to say has to get out of my mouth quickly...that it comes out LOUD. Jack does prefer this....except of course, when he's sleeping.

Then, he prefers his quiet Daddy.

Baby Equipment

Some random thoughts about baby equipment...yes, you think you need a lot of it and in some ways you do...b/c it makes your life so much easier. Now, aren't we into easy! When we were planning to go to Hawaii, I had to plan exactly how much stuff to take...overall, I only took a small number of the bare essentials and since I had time to do laundry every day, it all worked out well.

Here is a picture of Jack in his *Pea Pod*...a portable bed, even coming with an inflatable air mattress. It worked great on the beach b/c we could keep him out of the sun and still have easy access with the side zippers. I might sound like a sales rep, but I don't even have stock in this company. If I have a baby equipment question, I make a bee line or email to my friend Heather Cruz, because she is the expert in this department. Her son Alec is already 2 now and she travels quite a bit and recommended this bed.

Guess where he slept though...between us! We thought we would need to go through some Ranger school crib training when we arrived back home, but he went right back to his crib, without a hitch.

Jack & the Cat

While we were waiting to go on our coffee tour, the tame farm cat jumped up on the bench where Jack & I were sitting...wanting a pet. So I helped Jack pet his first cat! He's looking down in the pictures, but he thought it was pretty cool...

Notice the fat rolls on his legs...

He liked warmth, but he did not like to get too hot. This brings me to some of the rare sad thoughts I have. He won't be Southern or Californian like his parents. One day, someone will ask him why his Mom talks "funny" and he will answer, "because she's from North Carolina." He won't say that he's from NC, b/c he isn't. But I'm going to choose to think positive here and imagine that he'll be describing only the best attributes about the Pacific Northwest like I do about the south.

Onto another thought...I go back to work in one week. Most of you know, but I help sick babies. I've been around babies at work since 1991 and it's my life's calling. But I am different now. I was always very empathetic (& sympathetic, when needed) and loved supporting the families and doing my very best to help each baby. Now, I will know the feelings of being a mother and this will make me even better. I will also know some of the stresses of having a high risk pregnancy and what that does to you. We were lucky...Jack was full-term. Some aren't so lucky.

I'm thinking it will also make me more emotional, but I will deal with that as it happens. I can't wait to be better than I was before...b/c even in each small way, each kindness, each touch, each interaction...I can help someone who is dealing with their difficult situation...I will be this way because of Jack.

Jack & the Hibiscus

Here's Hibiscus Hawaiian Jack...it was such a beautiful flower, but I wanted to capture the size of the flower...look...it's as big as his head! The flowers and plants in Hawaii are so lush and beautiful...of course, most of them, I can't identify. Mr. Tarheel knew the name of this one...he's pretty smart about most things.

Yesterday was a first...there are so many, but this one was big for me. I left, yes, LEFT, Jack with a babysitter. Julia is her name and she is so good with Jack...I had her come over to our house before and get to know Jack and she was great with him. I had about 10 errands to do...in about 10 different stores. As big as Jack is, it's difficult & time-consuming getting him in and out of the car that many times (this is only the beginning of my justification, which comes before guilt). When I dropped him off, Heidi, Julia's Mom, immediately put me at ease. I knew he would be in good hands.

I didn't relax..I drove fast & furious to each place, ran in (no browsing), did my errand, and ran out. I looked at my watch every few minutes. I wondered what Jack was doing. I counted down the minutes since I had last seen him. I constantly checked my phone to make sure they hadn't called. When I arrived back to pick him up, after less than 4 hours, he was dozing and was content and happy. Heidi & Julia tell me how great it was to hold him & take care of him. Then I relax, pick him up, and he looks over at me with bright eyes. I see that I have not damaged my child...he doesn't have to be with me 24/7 to be well cared for and happy. More guilt...I want me to be the only person he wants....but I know that isn't healthy for either of us.

We're learning...

Pacific Jack

What a lucky boy, he is...jet setting from coast to coast before 3 months old...here's Jack in sunny Hawaii with his cool sun hat. Isn't he the cutest thing? He has the fatest, most kissable cheeks!

Now, how am I going to get to a point where I'm going to let my precious son go on a date with a girl? Instead of the Dad cleaning the gun when the date comes over, I'll be the Mom who is cleaning her rolling pin or her frying pan...I have years to get used to this idea....

Mr. Tarheel says that he's a Mama's boy, but I know the real deal...he has Mr. Tarheel wrapped around his little finger. Mr. Tarheel has the world's most P & P...that's our acronym for patience and persistence...that Daddy has a supreme amount of it..lots more than I do. I'm working on it!

Tarheel Crazy

Yes, I'm trying to slow my breathing down to normal and drink lots of water to rehydrate after an afternoon of hollering for my Tarheels...We beat the Clemson Tigers in double overtime after being behind most of the game until the very end! Jack liked the activity until it was time for his nap and then off to the crib he went. Who can sleep through the #1 Tarheel fan screaming her commentary to Roy and her boys? But Jack did have Tarheel spirit dressed in his fleece Tarheel shirt and looking so, so cute...



Now that I mention it...Jack hasn't been able to see an entire Tarheel game due to his need to sleep...so we'll have to work up to him enjoying the entire game in one sitting. Don't worry...each game is protected on the DVR for many future viewings and we especially like to re-watch them during our usual 3am feeding. See, I told you, I am the #1 fan if I'm re-watching games during the middle of the night. But have you even seen the viewing selection at 3am? I'm sorry, but I can't watch professional bowling or infomercials.

More about Jack next time...he's calling me...

Jack's Back

Here's Jack & Mom on the plane to Hawaii...We had an empty seat between us, so he slept there most of the time....He's a great traveler and loved being on vacation....feeling the heat for the first time in his short life. There's so many stories in my brain, but not enough time or energy to write them down for now....

We saw Dr. Brian for the 2 month visit yesterday...drum roll....my little baby boy isn't so little anymore...he's up to 14 lbs, 3 oz...Mr. Tarheel & I were thinking this was way too fat but his growth curve is normal and he is 75% for height/weight and 50% for head....no, he isn't going to be a big man with a little head...it will all even out in the end.

We love every minute with him and he is so, so sweet. He laughs, coos, and smiles...especially when he is full, after eating. He has bright eyes, pays attention, and we're trying to teach him to put his pacifier back in his mouth (just kidding about that one....). That comment is courtsey of Mr. Tarheel....see, Dr. Brian was asking us about his development and Mr. Tarheel got Dr. Brian's attention by saying that Jack can replace his pacifier in his mouth when it falls out...Dr. Brian looks over at us and we try to keep a straight face, but then we all burst out laughing....Maybe you had to be there...but we needed to add some humor to the long, long list of questions we had. You know me, hypervigilant, worry wort, OCD Mommy in training!

Over the Top---Returning 2/7

Here's Jack with his Papa Robert, my Dad. He's waiting to grow up enough so they can go fishing together...Mr. Tarheel is going to teach Jack to fish for steel head and salmon in the sound but Papa is going to teach him to fish with a net for spots and dig for clams & oysters near my beloved ocean...the Atlantic!

I'm not sure if you can see the new triple chin that Jack is sporting...he is getting the fattest, most kissable cheeks in the world. I take full advantage of kissing those cheeks. I know one day, the day will come, when he is embarrassed for me to kiss him in public. So I tell him...your Mom always needs at least one kiss when we see each other....if I tell him this a couple of million times and expect this from him (along with the flowers every Mother's Day), hopefully, he will always (or usually, may be a better expectation) do this! Then when he's 40 and I'm 81...and I'm rocking on my porch (my warm, sunny porch)...when my boy comes to see me, he will automatically give me that kiss that I need!

I'll be back with all the news/pictures from Hawaii on 2/7...check back then...in the meantime...imagine, us...the 3 of us (poor Tucker is either in the Pet Resort or POW camp...whichever is your perspective)...the 3 of us....smiling constantly, feeling the warm breeze, sitting outside to savor the sights & smells of Hawaii...when last year when we traveled to the Big Island, we were just the 2 of us...hoping, planning, preparing for our last attempt to have a baby. Last year...it was anticipation for a baby...this year...it's anticipation for watching our baby Jack grow up and trying to be the best parents possible!

As much fun as I had last year.....this year will be over the top!

Hall of Love

Jack's been inducted into the Blackwell sister's Hall of Love...even though he's sleeping in this picture of me and my sisters...Wendy, Robin, & April. We're all smiles!

Mr. Tarheel & I had a wonderful photographer and old friend, Amy Fields, come to our house and take pictures of us on 1/8/08...when Jack was a little over a month old. Check out her web site and link to our Miracle Jack photos....they are AWESOME!

http://amyfieldsphotography.blogspot.com/

As you can see, Jack is getting BIG! He loves to eat and laughs/smiles alot more when he is full! He averages eating 6 oz about every 4 hours. Wow! Maybe a possible future linebacker? He grew out of newborn clothes about 2 weeks ago and now we're on to the 3 month ones...He's definitely over 11 lbs but we'll have an official weight on 2/8 when we go see Dr. Brian for his 2 month check up.

We're all looking forward to our Hawaii vacation...which is 1/28-2/7....yes, sorry, but another blog holiday! I may post while we're gone....but I'm going to relax and enjoy the warmth/sun of the Big Island. Aloha!

Back Home

Here's Jack, getting a good night kiss from his Nannie Maxine, my Mom. We had great flights (no, he didn't cry and believe me, a toddler is a more difficult traveler...trust me, I sat around a few of them..they had all the children cohorted in the back of the plane).

It was so wonderful to have all of my family meet Jack and get to know him. It's so sad to think about how far away we live. I realized that one day, someone will ask Jack...where are you from? He will say...the Pacific Northwest and my Mom is from North Kakalacky (Carolina, to you non-Southerners) and my Dad is from California....

I realized he isn't going to be from my beloved North Carolina.

And my beloved North Carolina Tarheels took a fall (at home, not less) to those nasty Terps...I believe it was because Master Jack wasn't watching the game...he was out with his Mom and Aunt Robin and Aunt April getting pedicures and out to a wonderful dinner...at Myrtle Beach ,SC. Yes, he's been to his first beach...but this was a cold, winter beach....

Thanks for holding me Uncle Kerry!

On Monday, he will go to his first warm, sunny beach....Kona, Hawaii.

Yes, he's a world traveler in his first weeks of life.

Blog Vacation

Yes, even the best bloggers have to take time off to visit Southern Heaven, where all the tea is sweet and the people who first loved you live...I'll be taking a hiatus from the blog until January 24th...but believe me, Jack is going to get held and loved on by so many people that loved him before he was even here...there will be more stories/photos to share after our trip...

WARNING: A SCREAMING INFANT WILL BE FLYING ACROSS COUNTRY ON 1/14....SORRY TO ALL THE PASSENGERS WHO THOUGHT OF TAKING A NAP...but Jack has to meet his Nannie/Papa and all his Wonderful Aunts/Cousins....

1 Month Jack

Here's Jack at a little over 1 month...My plan was to take his picture with a big stuffed animal each month on the 3rd but life happens and I didn't go get his big Pooh until the 8th...so here he his...looking up at this big smiling bear! He was very attentive! This is the newborn outfit that he came home from the hospital in...he is about to break out of all his newborn clothes....so this will be the last time to wear this one.

Yes, he's losing some hair but not on the back of his head...on the top. His hair line is getting further & further back (I know some men who can appreciate this!). This emphasizes his "worried" furrowed brow look...but if he's eating, I'll tell him not to worry and rub the wrinkles out with a little finger massage. No Botox needed here!

So, so sorry NC State fans..the game was pitiful today and I actually felt terrible for Sidney Lowe and the Wolfpack. Since there was no screaming after the 9-9 tie, Jack slept the rest of the game. That was great...we will of course, continue to be #1 in the entire USA! Move over Kansas & Memphis...here we come!

Gas Hurts

Jack doesn't like gas....well, who does? Sometimes he has lots of it and when he breaks wind, it's loud enough for Tucker to come running. Then there's the bearing down and pushing to get it out...along with the other necessary excrement. Now, Mr. Tarheel & I are constantly talking about our son's bowel/gas patterns...like it's table conversation. It makes us laugh sometimes...except when we're up all night holding Jack and helping him deal with this necessary part of life....digestion & gas! Hopefully, he'll grow more accustomed to the feelings of peristalsis and "gut rumblings"...until then, we'll be the concerned parents, bicycling Jack's legs, waiting & hoping for a large release of air...so we can all go back to sleep again.

New Year's Joy

It is the New Year. I sat in the dark this evening, holding Jack. Staring at his sweet, perfect little sleeping face, I have tears running down my cheeks. Tears of joy. Thinking about this past year - a life-changing year. My life is so different than it was a year ago. My dreams are fulfilled, my life feels whole, I feel complete. All the pain and sadness is forever gone. I closed my eyes - trying to imprint this moment in my memory forever. Will I remember how sweet he looks, how soft his skin feels, how wonderful he smells, how his breath feels on my cheek? This is my only fear - that I will forget. That I will forget how wonderful this feels. My wish for the New Year is not for me. I have all that I wished for. My wish for the New Year is for everyone of you who are still suffering the pain of infertility and loss. My wish is that next New Year every one of you will be holding your sweet baby in your arms, gazing at his precious face, inhaling his scent.

Tarheel Jack

Now, I'm not a superstitious type, but there's a trend happening at Jack's house....the Tarheels have been ranked #1 since he's been born, and so far, they haven't lost a game....what do you think? Final Four material, at least and according to me, #1 Tarheel fan, they will be National Champions come April 7th in San Antonio, TX!~ The UNC-Clemson game was a nail bitter....luckily here in the Pacific Northwest, no one will tell me the outcome, b/c I had to pause the game to take care of Mr. Jack. He got dressed up in his Tarheel blanket, handmade by Linda, and kept everything loud until we got the "plug" to stay in...He loves his pacifier (aka plug) and so that's why it's in his mouth in so many of the pictures. If you take it out, you will see the mouth open (inaudible scream) and not the most handsomest of faces! That's OK, he's got us trained pretty good! So in overtime, we squeaked by the Tigers and had way too many turnovers...at least 19! I'll bet Roy was fit to be tied (a southern expression for real mad) and made them do extra running at the next practice. So the next game is tomorrow against UNC-Asheville (hopefully, a non-conference probable blow-out) and then we move into the meat of the season...all conference games from then on out. And I've talked about this before...in the ACC Conference, anyone can beat anyone, especially in their house...so you have to be on your A game each and every night. So Go Tarheels! Jack loves his Tarheels!

As Busy As...

Sorry everyone...no picture today...I know I may be slacking but life keeps happening...like the Christmas tree had to be taken down, the house cleaned, groceries bought, bills paid, thank you notes written, and sleep has to fit in there too. Oh yes, we have to hold Jack, feed him, change him, and then kiss and hold him some more.

"I'm busy...", I tell Mr. Tarheel.

He acknowledges.

"I'm as busy as...", he looks up because he knows that I'm trying to be funny and make up some metaphor for how busy I am. My last good one was "As busy as the back seat on prom night...."

"I'm as busy as....a new mother!", I say and start laughing.

He smiles and turns on the Seahawks (we WON) vs. Washington Redskins game. I get so into the game, I don't hear Jack crying on the monitor. He goes & gets him and holds him...one big happy family...watching football together....even Tucker occassionally looked over...usually when I was yelling. I didn't feel so busy...just happy.

Weight alert: Jack weighs 10 lbs 2 oz at his one month Ped visit. Yes, he had to get a shot..2nd Hep B. I know the crying is worth not getting Hep B. It's hard to see them cry when they don't understand why....Next visit is at 2 months.

1 Month Miracle Jack

Here's Jack at 1 month old, dressed in the only thing I bought before he was born...his "Miracle" t-shirt. It's almost too small but will still stretch over his round belly:) Now, you'll also see him with his "Mommy's Little Tarheel bib" and his Tarheel shirt...hand made special by Linda from Swedish:)

Now, his birth didn't contradict known scientific laws...in fact, it required quite a bit of scientific advances to be conceived with IVF but it was a remarkable event. So maybe the shirt should read "Remarkable" instead...but that one wasn't for sell!

Now, all of you out there who know me as the #1 Tarheel fan....are you wondering if being a mother is the only thing that I'm going to talk about anymore? Well, that's a big NO...I'm still the #1 fan and all that goes with it.

Yes, we've been ranked #1 for as long as Jack's been here...& yes, we haven't lost a game since Jack's birth...see how I can relate my two favorite topics together:)

Tomorrow starts conference play...we play the Clemson Tigers in their house...Littlejohn Coliseum. We'll be ready...Jack & I to take in the game, dressed in our Tarheel finest. Jack has received so many Tarheel outfits...he is destined to show support in a different one for each game. No, no one sent a baby blue wig, but when his head gets bigger (next year), he can borrow mine...

One Bite At A Time

Here we are...me & Jack, having fun together at 30 days old...see how his cheeks are filled out...he even has a double chin now. Daddy calls that a "turkey neck" and his thighs are getting chunky too. He's so cute! We look at each other a lot and we both love this...

As I was thinking more about being a parent, I started feeling overwhelmed at the job ahead. Mr. Tarheel & I will do our best, but we are human and won't always make the best decisions. And I wonder...how will we fall short? Now that I am a child and a parent...I think about how much I love my parents (quite a bit!). But the way I feel inside, I believe now that no child can love their parents as much as their parents love them.

When I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, "How do you eat an elephant?" My answer is...One Bite at a Time.