I Chose Jack

So, so, sorry to all my readers, lurkers, and fans....no time for blogging over the past week. Yes, I have good intentions to write something note-worthy but then life happens. Here's our big red barn....with us in front. Here's a synopsis of my week:

In-laws--I'll call them Mom & Dad CA (short for California) are here for a visit. Love in action...that's what they are. It's been a special time for Jack and he LOVES his Grandma/Grandpa.

Jack is 3 months old tomorrow! My little baby isn't so little anymore. No chest hair yet though. I thought about how short the time will be...it makes me just a little sad. Now, don't get me wrong....I'd love to have a few of those precious sleep hours back from that LONG pregnancy.... I figured out that there are about 6340 days in 18 years and that each day is about 0.0001578 % of the time. Lucky for me, he will be about 18 1/2 when he goes to college....so I have a few more days than average....So when my choice is to play/hold/kiss Jack or do dishes....I chose Jack (most of the time). If there are no clean forks, I must rarely choose dishes. I'm choosing not to sleep sometimes to get everything done but the good Lord above is helping me through each day.

Jack can have major, massive blow-outs and this is both funny & gross. I can both laugh and gag at the same time...I went with the flow when it was during church, especially since he looks at me with the look of relief while I'm cleaning him up. Thanks to my next door neighbor, Ms. Jo, we have a duck dispensing scented trash bags for our diaper bag!

Jack cried some during the UNC/Boston College game...up until the middle of the 2nd half when Roy's boys pulled ahead for good. I mean it was the UNC/Tyrese Rice game....you know, the 1 man show...and a brilliant one at that....Good job to Mr. 47 points for Boston College! Sorry, but our 5 players against 1, will come out ahead every time. The count down is on...6 days until we go to Durham to plan against Coach State Farm and his Cameron Crazies....my prediction is....we'll win by 12...& we'll be ranked #1 in the country come tomorrow....

Gloating...with Malicious Pleasure

I did survive my first day at work and sped home to see my boy after 27 hours with Mr. Tarheel, aka Daddy. Daddy said it was "easy" and the house didn't blow away in a hurricane. Jack waved his arms and kicked with excitement when he saw me. Then he promptly took a big poop because he secretly knows that I will give him a nice bath because of it. He loves his bath and play time in the tub. We had such fun together....

The babies at worked looked a little smaller than they did before...especially compared to my big boy. It was neat talking about Jack constantly and showing off his picture. My life does revolve around him right now but I had the energy/stamina to direct my attention to the babies who needed me at work. Plus, I had so much adult conversation and didn't really have to hear any loud screaming, like Jack sometimes does at home.

Now on to my 2nd favorite topic...Jack is #1 and I'll give you one guess what is #2................................

I love the Tarheels but who do I hate?

DUKE SUCKS!

And I hate to gloat...(Mr. Webster says this means to think about with malicious pleasure)....but Duke has lost 2 road games in the past week....YIPPEE! Plus, they were to lower ranked teams...Wake Forest & Miami....come Monday, #5 Duke will fall, fall, fall in the rankings and I will be really gloating! The Tarheels play Wake Forest today in Chapel Hill...so I'll be rooting for them big time later today and Jack & I get some much needed rest time. But imagine me falling asleep with a big smile on my face...you know, the smile that means I'm thinking with malicious pleasure....

Sleeping Jack

Jack likes to sleep with his arm over or near his face...which is the exact way Mr. Tarheel sleeps....sorry, but I don't have a picture of Mr. Tarheel sleeping. Plus, I don't like payback and if I took a picture of him sleeping, before you know it, he would play a practical joke on me while I'm sleeping....

Now that you all have had your Jack fix....

Life isn't perfect, even when your dreams come true. I'm challenged with feelings of being overwhelmed and low confidence with this new stage in my life. I tell myself this is normal (I hate this word..., maybe typical is a better one) and as my sister April says, "this too shall pass". Of course, you want to do a great job as a mother but there are so many other things in life that I want to keep doing or feel I must do....I'm a wife, a sister, a daughter, a friend, and now, I'm going back to work tomorrow, I'll be helping sick babies. I know I'm feeling this way today because I'm wondering how will it be to leave Jack and how will it be to see sick, premature babies.

There were so many hours that turned into days, where I would sit/lie here waiting for the day to pass, so I could add one more day to my pregnancy. I didn't go there often, but sometimes, I would envision how it might be if Jack was born on that day...how much would he weigh, what life support would he need, how long would he need to stay in the hospital? The days did pass and my worries decreased....I felt like I won the lottery when he was born at 37 weeks and healthy.

All the other mothers who are having high risk pregnancies and who know what it means to have a premature baby, must feel these things too. Some aren't so lucky...I think I'm having a variation of survivor's guilt. I'm just grateful and happy! So in the whole scheme of things, I tell myself that it will be OK. Tomorrow will come and I will go to work and do my best. Time will pass quickly because I'll be working and thinking about things that haven't been on my mind in 6 months and of course, I'll be talking about Jack to everyone. Mr. Tarheel will be here with Jack. I wonder if he will be struggling with low confidence? Probably not, he's very easy going and takes things in stride.

Jack & Daddy

At the 2 month appointment to see Dr. Brian, we received the usual handout of developmental milestones for the 2-3 month old infant. One of them described the baby prefers the mother's face/voice. Mr. Tarheel (aka Daddy) and I looked at each other and knew we were thinking the same thing. You know you've been married aWHILE when you can look at your spouse and not only are you thinking the exact same thing, but you know by just looking into each other's eyes that you are thinking the exact same thing. Okay, so that explains the communication part.

NOW, what were you thinking, you ask?

Drum roll............Jack doesn't prefer one of us over the other...really, at least not at this point. Daddy Tarheel has been taking care of him almost as much as I have and there is an ebb and flow to this that is benefiting everyone. I'm not disappointed, even secretly. Wow, what a wonderful generation to be in...our Dads weren't able to take care of us about half of the time. Both of us had stay at home Moms and both our Dads were busy working/going to school/war and culturally were not encouraged to have that caregiving role. Now, we turned out good but I think it's better for the father to be able to be there in the thick and thin of taking care of the baby.

There is one thing that Jack prefers from me...my LOUD voice. All of you who know me, know that I am "genetically loud"...I say that because I have tried over & over, so many times to talk softly. I've even been asked why am I always so LOUD? I get so excited to talk or maybe it's what I'm going to say has to get out of my mouth quickly...that it comes out LOUD. Jack does prefer this....except of course, when he's sleeping.

Then, he prefers his quiet Daddy.

Baby Equipment

Some random thoughts about baby equipment...yes, you think you need a lot of it and in some ways you do...b/c it makes your life so much easier. Now, aren't we into easy! When we were planning to go to Hawaii, I had to plan exactly how much stuff to take...overall, I only took a small number of the bare essentials and since I had time to do laundry every day, it all worked out well.

Here is a picture of Jack in his *Pea Pod*...a portable bed, even coming with an inflatable air mattress. It worked great on the beach b/c we could keep him out of the sun and still have easy access with the side zippers. I might sound like a sales rep, but I don't even have stock in this company. If I have a baby equipment question, I make a bee line or email to my friend Heather Cruz, because she is the expert in this department. Her son Alec is already 2 now and she travels quite a bit and recommended this bed.

Guess where he slept though...between us! We thought we would need to go through some Ranger school crib training when we arrived back home, but he went right back to his crib, without a hitch.

Jack & the Cat

While we were waiting to go on our coffee tour, the tame farm cat jumped up on the bench where Jack & I were sitting...wanting a pet. So I helped Jack pet his first cat! He's looking down in the pictures, but he thought it was pretty cool...

Notice the fat rolls on his legs...

He liked warmth, but he did not like to get too hot. This brings me to some of the rare sad thoughts I have. He won't be Southern or Californian like his parents. One day, someone will ask him why his Mom talks "funny" and he will answer, "because she's from North Carolina." He won't say that he's from NC, b/c he isn't. But I'm going to choose to think positive here and imagine that he'll be describing only the best attributes about the Pacific Northwest like I do about the south.

Onto another thought...I go back to work in one week. Most of you know, but I help sick babies. I've been around babies at work since 1991 and it's my life's calling. But I am different now. I was always very empathetic (& sympathetic, when needed) and loved supporting the families and doing my very best to help each baby. Now, I will know the feelings of being a mother and this will make me even better. I will also know some of the stresses of having a high risk pregnancy and what that does to you. We were lucky...Jack was full-term. Some aren't so lucky.

I'm thinking it will also make me more emotional, but I will deal with that as it happens. I can't wait to be better than I was before...b/c even in each small way, each kindness, each touch, each interaction...I can help someone who is dealing with their difficult situation...I will be this way because of Jack.

Jack & the Hibiscus

Here's Hibiscus Hawaiian Jack...it was such a beautiful flower, but I wanted to capture the size of the flower...look...it's as big as his head! The flowers and plants in Hawaii are so lush and beautiful...of course, most of them, I can't identify. Mr. Tarheel knew the name of this one...he's pretty smart about most things.

Yesterday was a first...there are so many, but this one was big for me. I left, yes, LEFT, Jack with a babysitter. Julia is her name and she is so good with Jack...I had her come over to our house before and get to know Jack and she was great with him. I had about 10 errands to do...in about 10 different stores. As big as Jack is, it's difficult & time-consuming getting him in and out of the car that many times (this is only the beginning of my justification, which comes before guilt). When I dropped him off, Heidi, Julia's Mom, immediately put me at ease. I knew he would be in good hands.

I didn't relax..I drove fast & furious to each place, ran in (no browsing), did my errand, and ran out. I looked at my watch every few minutes. I wondered what Jack was doing. I counted down the minutes since I had last seen him. I constantly checked my phone to make sure they hadn't called. When I arrived back to pick him up, after less than 4 hours, he was dozing and was content and happy. Heidi & Julia tell me how great it was to hold him & take care of him. Then I relax, pick him up, and he looks over at me with bright eyes. I see that I have not damaged my child...he doesn't have to be with me 24/7 to be well cared for and happy. More guilt...I want me to be the only person he wants....but I know that isn't healthy for either of us.

We're learning...

Pacific Jack

What a lucky boy, he is...jet setting from coast to coast before 3 months old...here's Jack in sunny Hawaii with his cool sun hat. Isn't he the cutest thing? He has the fatest, most kissable cheeks!

Now, how am I going to get to a point where I'm going to let my precious son go on a date with a girl? Instead of the Dad cleaning the gun when the date comes over, I'll be the Mom who is cleaning her rolling pin or her frying pan...I have years to get used to this idea....

Mr. Tarheel says that he's a Mama's boy, but I know the real deal...he has Mr. Tarheel wrapped around his little finger. Mr. Tarheel has the world's most P & P...that's our acronym for patience and persistence...that Daddy has a supreme amount of it..lots more than I do. I'm working on it!

Tarheel Crazy

Yes, I'm trying to slow my breathing down to normal and drink lots of water to rehydrate after an afternoon of hollering for my Tarheels...We beat the Clemson Tigers in double overtime after being behind most of the game until the very end! Jack liked the activity until it was time for his nap and then off to the crib he went. Who can sleep through the #1 Tarheel fan screaming her commentary to Roy and her boys? But Jack did have Tarheel spirit dressed in his fleece Tarheel shirt and looking so, so cute...



Now that I mention it...Jack hasn't been able to see an entire Tarheel game due to his need to sleep...so we'll have to work up to him enjoying the entire game in one sitting. Don't worry...each game is protected on the DVR for many future viewings and we especially like to re-watch them during our usual 3am feeding. See, I told you, I am the #1 fan if I'm re-watching games during the middle of the night. But have you even seen the viewing selection at 3am? I'm sorry, but I can't watch professional bowling or infomercials.

More about Jack next time...he's calling me...

Jack's Back

Here's Jack & Mom on the plane to Hawaii...We had an empty seat between us, so he slept there most of the time....He's a great traveler and loved being on vacation....feeling the heat for the first time in his short life. There's so many stories in my brain, but not enough time or energy to write them down for now....

We saw Dr. Brian for the 2 month visit yesterday...drum roll....my little baby boy isn't so little anymore...he's up to 14 lbs, 3 oz...Mr. Tarheel & I were thinking this was way too fat but his growth curve is normal and he is 75% for height/weight and 50% for head....no, he isn't going to be a big man with a little head...it will all even out in the end.

We love every minute with him and he is so, so sweet. He laughs, coos, and smiles...especially when he is full, after eating. He has bright eyes, pays attention, and we're trying to teach him to put his pacifier back in his mouth (just kidding about that one....). That comment is courtsey of Mr. Tarheel....see, Dr. Brian was asking us about his development and Mr. Tarheel got Dr. Brian's attention by saying that Jack can replace his pacifier in his mouth when it falls out...Dr. Brian looks over at us and we try to keep a straight face, but then we all burst out laughing....Maybe you had to be there...but we needed to add some humor to the long, long list of questions we had. You know me, hypervigilant, worry wort, OCD Mommy in training!

Over the Top---Returning 2/7

Here's Jack with his Papa Robert, my Dad. He's waiting to grow up enough so they can go fishing together...Mr. Tarheel is going to teach Jack to fish for steel head and salmon in the sound but Papa is going to teach him to fish with a net for spots and dig for clams & oysters near my beloved ocean...the Atlantic!

I'm not sure if you can see the new triple chin that Jack is sporting...he is getting the fattest, most kissable cheeks in the world. I take full advantage of kissing those cheeks. I know one day, the day will come, when he is embarrassed for me to kiss him in public. So I tell him...your Mom always needs at least one kiss when we see each other....if I tell him this a couple of million times and expect this from him (along with the flowers every Mother's Day), hopefully, he will always (or usually, may be a better expectation) do this! Then when he's 40 and I'm 81...and I'm rocking on my porch (my warm, sunny porch)...when my boy comes to see me, he will automatically give me that kiss that I need!

I'll be back with all the news/pictures from Hawaii on 2/7...check back then...in the meantime...imagine, us...the 3 of us (poor Tucker is either in the Pet Resort or POW camp...whichever is your perspective)...the 3 of us....smiling constantly, feeling the warm breeze, sitting outside to savor the sights & smells of Hawaii...when last year when we traveled to the Big Island, we were just the 2 of us...hoping, planning, preparing for our last attempt to have a baby. Last year...it was anticipation for a baby...this year...it's anticipation for watching our baby Jack grow up and trying to be the best parents possible!

As much fun as I had last year.....this year will be over the top!

Hall of Love

Jack's been inducted into the Blackwell sister's Hall of Love...even though he's sleeping in this picture of me and my sisters...Wendy, Robin, & April. We're all smiles!

Mr. Tarheel & I had a wonderful photographer and old friend, Amy Fields, come to our house and take pictures of us on 1/8/08...when Jack was a little over a month old. Check out her web site and link to our Miracle Jack photos....they are AWESOME!

http://amyfieldsphotography.blogspot.com/

As you can see, Jack is getting BIG! He loves to eat and laughs/smiles alot more when he is full! He averages eating 6 oz about every 4 hours. Wow! Maybe a possible future linebacker? He grew out of newborn clothes about 2 weeks ago and now we're on to the 3 month ones...He's definitely over 11 lbs but we'll have an official weight on 2/8 when we go see Dr. Brian for his 2 month check up.

We're all looking forward to our Hawaii vacation...which is 1/28-2/7....yes, sorry, but another blog holiday! I may post while we're gone....but I'm going to relax and enjoy the warmth/sun of the Big Island. Aloha!

Back Home

Here's Jack, getting a good night kiss from his Nannie Maxine, my Mom. We had great flights (no, he didn't cry and believe me, a toddler is a more difficult traveler...trust me, I sat around a few of them..they had all the children cohorted in the back of the plane).

It was so wonderful to have all of my family meet Jack and get to know him. It's so sad to think about how far away we live. I realized that one day, someone will ask Jack...where are you from? He will say...the Pacific Northwest and my Mom is from North Kakalacky (Carolina, to you non-Southerners) and my Dad is from California....

I realized he isn't going to be from my beloved North Carolina.

And my beloved North Carolina Tarheels took a fall (at home, not less) to those nasty Terps...I believe it was because Master Jack wasn't watching the game...he was out with his Mom and Aunt Robin and Aunt April getting pedicures and out to a wonderful dinner...at Myrtle Beach ,SC. Yes, he's been to his first beach...but this was a cold, winter beach....

Thanks for holding me Uncle Kerry!

On Monday, he will go to his first warm, sunny beach....Kona, Hawaii.

Yes, he's a world traveler in his first weeks of life.

Blog Vacation

Yes, even the best bloggers have to take time off to visit Southern Heaven, where all the tea is sweet and the people who first loved you live...I'll be taking a hiatus from the blog until January 24th...but believe me, Jack is going to get held and loved on by so many people that loved him before he was even here...there will be more stories/photos to share after our trip...

WARNING: A SCREAMING INFANT WILL BE FLYING ACROSS COUNTRY ON 1/14....SORRY TO ALL THE PASSENGERS WHO THOUGHT OF TAKING A NAP...but Jack has to meet his Nannie/Papa and all his Wonderful Aunts/Cousins....

1 Month Jack

Here's Jack at a little over 1 month...My plan was to take his picture with a big stuffed animal each month on the 3rd but life happens and I didn't go get his big Pooh until the 8th...so here he his...looking up at this big smiling bear! He was very attentive! This is the newborn outfit that he came home from the hospital in...he is about to break out of all his newborn clothes....so this will be the last time to wear this one.

Yes, he's losing some hair but not on the back of his head...on the top. His hair line is getting further & further back (I know some men who can appreciate this!). This emphasizes his "worried" furrowed brow look...but if he's eating, I'll tell him not to worry and rub the wrinkles out with a little finger massage. No Botox needed here!

So, so sorry NC State fans..the game was pitiful today and I actually felt terrible for Sidney Lowe and the Wolfpack. Since there was no screaming after the 9-9 tie, Jack slept the rest of the game. That was great...we will of course, continue to be #1 in the entire USA! Move over Kansas & Memphis...here we come!

Gas Hurts

Jack doesn't like gas....well, who does? Sometimes he has lots of it and when he breaks wind, it's loud enough for Tucker to come running. Then there's the bearing down and pushing to get it out...along with the other necessary excrement. Now, Mr. Tarheel & I are constantly talking about our son's bowel/gas patterns...like it's table conversation. It makes us laugh sometimes...except when we're up all night holding Jack and helping him deal with this necessary part of life....digestion & gas! Hopefully, he'll grow more accustomed to the feelings of peristalsis and "gut rumblings"...until then, we'll be the concerned parents, bicycling Jack's legs, waiting & hoping for a large release of air...so we can all go back to sleep again.

New Year's Joy

It is the New Year. I sat in the dark this evening, holding Jack. Staring at his sweet, perfect little sleeping face, I have tears running down my cheeks. Tears of joy. Thinking about this past year - a life-changing year. My life is so different than it was a year ago. My dreams are fulfilled, my life feels whole, I feel complete. All the pain and sadness is forever gone. I closed my eyes - trying to imprint this moment in my memory forever. Will I remember how sweet he looks, how soft his skin feels, how wonderful he smells, how his breath feels on my cheek? This is my only fear - that I will forget. That I will forget how wonderful this feels. My wish for the New Year is not for me. I have all that I wished for. My wish for the New Year is for everyone of you who are still suffering the pain of infertility and loss. My wish is that next New Year every one of you will be holding your sweet baby in your arms, gazing at his precious face, inhaling his scent.

Tarheel Jack

Now, I'm not a superstitious type, but there's a trend happening at Jack's house....the Tarheels have been ranked #1 since he's been born, and so far, they haven't lost a game....what do you think? Final Four material, at least and according to me, #1 Tarheel fan, they will be National Champions come April 7th in San Antonio, TX!~ The UNC-Clemson game was a nail bitter....luckily here in the Pacific Northwest, no one will tell me the outcome, b/c I had to pause the game to take care of Mr. Jack. He got dressed up in his Tarheel blanket, handmade by Linda, and kept everything loud until we got the "plug" to stay in...He loves his pacifier (aka plug) and so that's why it's in his mouth in so many of the pictures. If you take it out, you will see the mouth open (inaudible scream) and not the most handsomest of faces! That's OK, he's got us trained pretty good! So in overtime, we squeaked by the Tigers and had way too many turnovers...at least 19! I'll bet Roy was fit to be tied (a southern expression for real mad) and made them do extra running at the next practice. So the next game is tomorrow against UNC-Asheville (hopefully, a non-conference probable blow-out) and then we move into the meat of the season...all conference games from then on out. And I've talked about this before...in the ACC Conference, anyone can beat anyone, especially in their house...so you have to be on your A game each and every night. So Go Tarheels! Jack loves his Tarheels!

As Busy As...

Sorry everyone...no picture today...I know I may be slacking but life keeps happening...like the Christmas tree had to be taken down, the house cleaned, groceries bought, bills paid, thank you notes written, and sleep has to fit in there too. Oh yes, we have to hold Jack, feed him, change him, and then kiss and hold him some more.

"I'm busy...", I tell Mr. Tarheel.

He acknowledges.

"I'm as busy as...", he looks up because he knows that I'm trying to be funny and make up some metaphor for how busy I am. My last good one was "As busy as the back seat on prom night...."

"I'm as busy as....a new mother!", I say and start laughing.

He smiles and turns on the Seahawks (we WON) vs. Washington Redskins game. I get so into the game, I don't hear Jack crying on the monitor. He goes & gets him and holds him...one big happy family...watching football together....even Tucker occassionally looked over...usually when I was yelling. I didn't feel so busy...just happy.

Weight alert: Jack weighs 10 lbs 2 oz at his one month Ped visit. Yes, he had to get a shot..2nd Hep B. I know the crying is worth not getting Hep B. It's hard to see them cry when they don't understand why....Next visit is at 2 months.

1 Month Miracle Jack

Here's Jack at 1 month old, dressed in the only thing I bought before he was born...his "Miracle" t-shirt. It's almost too small but will still stretch over his round belly:) Now, you'll also see him with his "Mommy's Little Tarheel bib" and his Tarheel shirt...hand made special by Linda from Swedish:)

Now, his birth didn't contradict known scientific laws...in fact, it required quite a bit of scientific advances to be conceived with IVF but it was a remarkable event. So maybe the shirt should read "Remarkable" instead...but that one wasn't for sell!

Now, all of you out there who know me as the #1 Tarheel fan....are you wondering if being a mother is the only thing that I'm going to talk about anymore? Well, that's a big NO...I'm still the #1 fan and all that goes with it.

Yes, we've been ranked #1 for as long as Jack's been here...& yes, we haven't lost a game since Jack's birth...see how I can relate my two favorite topics together:)

Tomorrow starts conference play...we play the Clemson Tigers in their house...Littlejohn Coliseum. We'll be ready...Jack & I to take in the game, dressed in our Tarheel finest. Jack has received so many Tarheel outfits...he is destined to show support in a different one for each game. No, no one sent a baby blue wig, but when his head gets bigger (next year), he can borrow mine...

One Bite At A Time

Here we are...me & Jack, having fun together at 30 days old...see how his cheeks are filled out...he even has a double chin now. Daddy calls that a "turkey neck" and his thighs are getting chunky too. He's so cute! We look at each other a lot and we both love this...

As I was thinking more about being a parent, I started feeling overwhelmed at the job ahead. Mr. Tarheel & I will do our best, but we are human and won't always make the best decisions. And I wonder...how will we fall short? Now that I am a child and a parent...I think about how much I love my parents (quite a bit!). But the way I feel inside, I believe now that no child can love their parents as much as their parents love them.

When I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, "How do you eat an elephant?" My answer is...One Bite at a Time.

Jack Loves Water

Jack already acts like a future scuba diver like Daddy...He loves his bath and skin to skin with Mommy. He only cries when he gets out and is getting dried off & dressed. We tried something new last night...I got in the tub and then Mr. Tarheel did the drying/dressing (& a great job at it too!) He stays warm (& modest) with wash cloths over him and I slowly pour warm water over him. Then he smells oh so good. I don't actually look too happy in the "no smile" picture but the lighting is better...so I'll put my "smile" picture here also.

Tucker slept through this on the big green chair by the Christmas tree. Tonight's his turn!

Sweater of Love

Here's Jack, wearing his sweater of love...hand knitted by my wonderful friend--Sara Johnston. You can't see the emblem...but the baby blue hat is a NC Tarheel hat (yes, they are still #1!). Jack has so many wonderful things to wear and I wish I could remember exactly who gave me which items...I also wish I could adequately thank everyone. I have been overwhelmed with so many things that Jack is wearing/using....it's such an honor to have so many people who care about us.

I've always felt cared for and listened to (and boy, can I talk sometimes)....but I feel more comfortable being the giver instead of the receiver. But, even at my age..you're never too old to learn. Here are some things I've learned lately.....

I've learned to smile graciously and say thank you, from the heart.

I've also learned which grunts mean....I need to burp, eat more, I'm making you something stinky in my diaper...& so on, & so forth.

I've learned how wonderful it is to have a husband who has paternity leave and helps you during the night feedings. Even this talker can sit there & cat nap at 0300 instead of solving all the world's problems during the feeding.

I've learned that kissing Jack about a 100 times a day probably won't seem enough when that day comes when my kisses won't be allowed in public...I wish time could stand still for now....but then again, it will be a nice night when I sleep through the night again.

I'm sure each season will have it's joys.

Remember to Smile at Your Baby

No, I didn't take this picture...it's a sample picture from our new computer. Mr. Tarheel has been busy getting everything set up, but loading all the pictures has is still on the un-checked off part of the list. Learning the ins & outs of Vista is a work in progress...so be patient all you blog watchers:)

We're loving on Jack and constantly working to figure out all his needs....the sleep loss is starting to accumulate, so I won't be posting every day anymore. All you who have taken care of a newborn 24/7 will understand, I'm sure.

Jack updates: 12/27 weight 9 lbs, 6oz---the beautiful boy is getting bigger by the day. He loves to sit in his swing & even takes cat naps there. Tucker ignores him as he's going back & forth.

We're addicted to our baby monitor and it even has a belt clip...Jack makes grunts/groans while he's sleeping but we're figuring out what it sounds like when he's really waking up. I still wander in the nursery from time to time to see just how beautiful he is as he's sleeping. He definitely likes to wake up slow and enjoys his mobile music (Bach, Beethoven, Mozart) while he's waking up. I'm always saying...wake up sleepy head...and when he opens his eyes, I give him a big smile and tell him how much I love him.

Speaking of smiling at your baby...I took a class in school called Infant Mental Health (I know what you may be thinking but actually, I learned alot in the class). I read a study that said that parents smile less at their first born than later children. So, hence, I try to remember to smile more....just a little tid bit of possible useless information for you. Since Mr. Tarheel & I are both first born and we turned out just great...I'm sure it doesn't affect too many people negatively.

Happy Holidaze 2007

Here's Jack, under the Christmas tree. Our precious gift from God....His shirt says "#1 on Santa's List". He's wearing shoes for the first time too. There are so many firsts...first Christmas for him, but he won't remember that he didn't get any presents from his Mom & Dad...there's nothing whatsoever, he needs...his life is already filled with contentment.

Last night, we took him out to eat at a restaurant...he slept the entire time. We did our customary drive around Enumclaw....looking at Christmas lights. Like last year and in year's past, we saw families gathering together for holiday dinners and celebrations. It's hard living so far from your family during the holidays...but I didn't feel a sad undertone like in the year's past. Mr. Tarheel & I agreed....we were a family...the little girl, the little boy, and the big red dog. But now, with Jack...it's so much sweeter.

Here's the Christmas letter, written before Jack was born...for all of you who don't receive my Christmas letter. I write it like a children's story with us as the characters. And of course, Tucker, is the big red dog!

Happy Holidaze 2007

“Wow, what a year,” thought the big red dog, as he begged the little boy for some turkey and dressing. He knew he had so much to be thankful for, as he performed his new trick of sitting for a slice of salami. He remembered the look of amazement on their faces as the little girl’s stomach & ankles grew bigger and bigger. After all the patient waiting, the little girl and the little boy told him that he finally was going to be a 4-legged big brother. “What does that mean,” he thought? Even though he didn’t yet understand how fun it would be to have a 2-legged little brother, when he saw the smiles on their faces and the love in their eyes, he knew this was going to be a really wonderful thing!

The little boy and the little girl were planning to name his baby brother Jack, and told him that he would be born very soon, before Christmas time. The road had been long but persistence, determination, and hope had kept them going. It was a true miracle for their family of three as the little girl and the little boy looked at their big red dog. Because of high blood pressure, the little girl couldn’t go to work and had to rest since the end of summer. The big red dog loved this because he took naps with her and the little girl had more time to scratch his belly than ever. The little boy took very good care of both of them. The big red dog had always wanted his own little baby brother. The big red dog couldn’t wait for Jack to grow up enough to show him all the treasures on the farm in the great Northwest, with a view of the snow covered mountain. They were going to have so much fun together!

The big red dog had lots of fun chasing the new red mama and baby cows and running around the big red barn. He didn’t like it when the new electric fence bit him (and the little boy laughed) or when he got in trouble for running across the road to play with his friend. He loved being king of his green chair and even paid attention to some of the sports that the little girl was always watching. He liked it when the little boy would let him sit on the couch as long as his front paws stayed on the floor. The big red dog would give them the biggest look of love possible with his big brown eyes and he knew they were the best little boy and little girl that a big red dog could have!

The little boy still protected the good people from the bad people and the little girl would go back to helping new families being born in the hospital on the hill overlooking the water. But very soon, when they were all at home together, instead of being just the little boy, the little girl, and the big red dog…they were going to have a new baby Jack to join them—finally a family of four. My, oh my, this would even be more happiness than the little girl’s Tarheel basketball team being ranked #1 or the little boy’s joy of driving his boat over the Snake River rapids. The happiest day of their lives was fast approaching!

Our dream come true…baby Jack Christopher is due 12/22/07 but we are expecting him a little early…check Teresa’s blog for more information at http://www.tarheel88.blogspot.com/

Blessings to you at Christmas and throughout 2008!

Serious Look

Here's that serious face look that I was talking about yesterday. He has even made me laugh by sticking out his bottom lip when he's seriously pondering something...like why he has to burp or wait for 30 seconds for his most urgent need to be met!

Appreciating Jack

Jack likes it when his fingers magically find themselves in his mouth. It's not on purpose yet and I see the surprise in his eyes, followed by lots of sucking. In this picture, he looks like he's contemplating something...he routinely has a thoughtful look on his face. Sometimes, he looks quite serious...especially when he's first waking up or ready to eat.

I'm settling in a little. I'm not surprised anymore when I go into the nursery (Wow, there's a nursery in my house!) and there, sleeping or crying, is my little baby Jack. It felt like a dream for awhile but I've never heard of a dream lasting this long. I still tell myself sometimes....this is real! I'm wondering if my feelings of appreciation for this gift is average or above average from how other people feel. I'm not talking about love...I don't doubt every parent feels this fierce love inside...the kind that doesn't hesitate to step in front of a bullet that's headed for your child. I'm talking about the appreciation....the realization that this event....parenthood....could have easily not been in the cards for you. Then I tell myself...and all those of you out there who are still in the trenches or those of you who had the dreaded unplanned pregnancy...keep playing your cards, keep searching for your path on your journey....All our journey's are different and I suppose I don't have to compare myself to everyone else's level of appreciation. All I know is, I won't be taking this gift of baby Jack for granted.

Enjoying the Boppy

Jack is starting to like his boppy and we do short sessions of tummy time. He practices his baby gymnastics and is working out his neck and back muscles. Afterwards, he enjoys sitting around in the boppy and has even fallen asleep there. Here he is in front of the Christmas tree but you can only see the railroad track of the Lionel train in the picture...I'll get a nice picture of the entire scene for a future posting. The neatest "kid" to watch is Tucker when the train is going....he hasn't figured out the train yet and runs back and forth when the train is going...at least he's getting some indoor exercise on our rainy days.

Brothers: One 4-legged & One 2-legged

Tucker is adjusting to his new brother Jack. The first day home, he was a little nervous but never aggressive. Now, he's settled in and is gentle. He gets up at night to help feed Jack. He usually sits on his chair and waits until we go back to bed...with his eyes closed. He uses the opportunity to go outside & potty. Since he's already 4 1/2 years old, maybe this is the reason for such fast understanding. Or maybe he innately knows that this little brother will bring him great joy over the rest of his life. Also, we haven't changed any of Tucker's routine...the big red dog still sleeps in the big bed, between the little girl and the little boy. Jack prefers his crib, so that's made it really easy.

Jack Looking at Mom at 2 weeks Old

Here's Jack looking at me...He has several very alert times each day and really takes in his environment. He especially seems to like my voice (even the loud version). He likes to have his hands mid-line & clasps them together well. Of course, I think he is a brilliant baby! Each day is one happy day after another, especially with Christmas fast approaching:)

Have Car Seat, Will Travel

So far, Jack is a good traveler...I think it has most to do with the fact that he falls asleep whenever we are driving somewhere. Now learning to work baby equipment can be a challenge....but I think Mr. Tarheel & I are learning fast. Yesterday, we took Jack for his first trip to the mall. The goal was to go into one store and one store only because we wanted to get back home before it was time for Jack to eat again...I call this "turning into a pumpkin". We were fast...we even had time to take Jack into Costco! The Costco trip was for one main reason...to buy diapers. You don't realize how many diapers you are changing until your supply quickly dwindles. There was almost an entire row of diapers....all except for size 1---the size we needed. Word to the wise...Costco rarely has size 1...oh well, it's good to learn something every day.

Frequently asked question: How is your swelling Tarheel88? Well, there is still "pitting" edema around my ankles/top of my feet. But they are soft! I can't wear my regular shoes yet and probably won't for a little while. But there is a new weight loss record for the guiness world book...I lost 33 lbs in the 2 weeks since birth! Now, I had gained 60 lbs total, so I still have the "normal" pregnancy weight to go, but at least I'm justified for all the complaining that I did about my swelling. Remember the "puffy is as puffy does" posting? And, I haven't received any diuretics! Lesson to be learned: correct the reason for the swelling and you won't need diuretics!~

Dr. Brian & 1st Tarheel Game

I haven't said too much about Dr. Brian...Jack's pediatrician. I wasn't able to meet him personally before Jack was born, but I did read & really relate to his philosophy of care on the practice web site. I liked the location, the after hours urgent care (nights & weekends if needed), and the ability to schedule appointments & get labs on-line. So far, we have seen Dr. Brian twice....at 4 & 7 days of age. I had a great feeling about the efficiency of the office immediately. Dr. Brian was all smiles, thorough, and addressed all my concerns. He told me to be the Mom...of course, I am a Mom now, but also, I am a sum of all my other experiences. It will be a process...I did great until the end of the 2nd visit when I asked about the result of the 1st state screen (we were getting the 2nd one done). Everything was "normal"...you know how that word is...but this time, I just said..."great!". On the way out, this was my response to Mr. Tarheel, who asked about the test:

My response was....well, he doesn't have hypothyroid, congenital adrenal hyperplasia, phenylkentonuria, maple syrup urine disease...then Mr. Tarheel interrupted me and said..."it was normal, right?" and I said "yes".

"That's all I need to know", he said...& I smiled:)

Side note: Jack watched his first Tarheel game last night...a blow-out of Rutgers and UNC continues to be ranked #1. I see it will take a few years to transfer the excitement that I feel over to my boy.

Birth Story---Part 2

Here's beautiful Jack at 6 days old...I brushed his hair for the first time and gave him a hair part like Daddy.

More birth story..I think I ended last time after the amnio at about 3:00pm....So, I made my calls to my parents & sisters and Mr. Tarheel called his parents. Everyone was so excited and so was I, with a little bit of nervousness added in there. I thought...it's almost show time! I was waiting in OB triage and about 4:30pm, Dr. Tracy came by to tell me the lungs were mature and it was a go! Deb & Cheryl (NNPs extraordinaire) came by and I knew Jack was in great hands with them, if needed. Mr. Tarheel & I were all smiles and the planned time was 6:30pm. They wheeled me over to room 451...a room that I had been in many times before but now, I was in the bed. A very nice nurse...Jarret got me ready for the surgery. I had to get undressed and put on the hospital gown. On the monitor, Jack was perfect. I had to have an IV done (2 sticks but it didn't hurt with lidocaine) and I got my antibiotic. I remember Monday night football being on and I was mildly interested in the game but it didn't hold my attention. Time passed quickly and there was a delay b/c the anesthesiologist was busy. Then George came by and did my pre-op exam and he was very laid back and proficient. A little before 7pm, I walked over to C/S room #3...another room where I go at work...it felt more & more weird. Mr. Tarheel was very interested in the surgical part of the delivery and he began to walk around the room, taking lots of pictures. George started doing my spinal and I called out for someone's hand...Dr. Tracy was waiting, so she ran over to support me. Mr. Tarheel got the idea quick and rushed over to relieve her. The spinal was only about 20 seconds of discomfort and then WOW...they told me to lay down quickly and boy was that feeling quick...it's hard to describe but you can feel certain things, but not pain. It felt alien, for sure. I quickly started feeling nauseous....a common side of effect of the drop in blood pressure. George gave me some quick drugs for that & luckily, I didn't throw up and felt great within 2 minutes. I had some unusual sensations and one was the feeling of hunger! Dr. Tracy said the adhesions from my previous surgery were more than she expected, so luckily I didn't need an emergent delivery...it took some time to get to the uterus. I laughed when Dr. Tracy said my uterus was beautiful!

Then, a surreal moment happened...time stood still for me and the event that would separate the two parts of my life happened...Jack was born and he cried! They showed him to me on the way over to the radiant warmer...he was very pink and kept crying....(apgars 9 & 9) giving me lots of reassurance. Now, I'm wondering how all the mothers feel when we are there and immediately intubate their little premie....I can never take hearing him cry for granted! Deb & Cheryl were there and they were the best...taking pictures and helping Mr. Tarheel trim the cord. I could see him as they weighed him and my thought at that time was...he doesn't weigh 8 lbs...I was right...he was 7 lbs, 10 oz. They wrapped him up and Chris held him and walked over to show him to me. Some of my first thoughts were...he is so beautiful! Wow, he's here---finally!

Extreme Joy

Not the best picture of Jack...those little hands love to be near his face...but I thought my smile really captures my extreme joy!

Today was his second pediatrician visit with Dr. Brian and he is over his birth weight at 8 lbs 1 oz. Dr. Brian asked me a dreaded question, but I got it right...he asked, "have you listened to him with a stethoscope yet?" and my answer was "No"...so even though I have "tendencies", I'm not completely over the top yet!

Sorry for such a lag in completing the birth story...I'll work on it soon!

Early Morning

Here's Jack at 6 days of life...not really looking at the camera but a nice entire body (jaundiced) picture.

In the stillness of the early morning, our eyes meet and connect...the look that only a mother & newborn son share. He thanks me with a grunt of contentment, we touch skin to skin. I savor the moment, remembering all the details for future recall.

Jack's Learning the Newborn Tarheel Fight Song

There's a break in Tarheel basketball action from Dec 4 to Dec 16...no games to watch for me & Jack. I had set to record the Dec 4 Tarheel game before Jack was born..so luckily, we were able to watch it during those first home, middle of the night feedings. It was another of those early season blow-outs. But of course as #1 fan, I'm watching how each player is playing...memorizing statistics, making predictions. We're early season ranked #1, then #2 (sorry Bruins on your loss), then #1 again...no losses yet for us. With Ty Lawson as point guard, I think we are a Final 4 team...I just hope to beat the Dukies in both games and seal up the ACC championship (once again...to make Coach K frown). This will be to a great advantage b/c we will be able to play first round NCAA tournament games in Raleigh, NC and then move on the Charlotte, NC for the 2nd round before going on the San Antonio for the Final Four. To enjoy the motivating home crowd/team advantage is a big advantage on the way to April 7...the night of the National Championship!

When I talk to Jack about all things Tarheel, he gives me that big eyed look of interest...I'm sure it's all sinking in to that little brain! Now speaking of Jack's eye color...it's not very evident right now....sometimes, I'm sure they will be blue. In certain light, they appear that way. But in other light, they look hazel...we'll have to see how they change.

I'm hearing Jack beginning the newborn Tarheel fight song...so more later:) Here's a picture us with Jack at 8 days old...all you neonatal nurses will see Jack wrapped in the infamous "bunny" blanket...with the Bunnies pointing in the up (right) direction...yes, you can take the girl out of the NICU but the NICU is still in the girl!

Seeking Passport Photo

Here's Jack at 8 days old....head resting on his frog silkie and loving his soothie pacifier. More firsts today...he peed on the wall....I laughed so hard that Tucker & Mr. Tarheel came in to see what was so funny. Jack screamed bloody murder b/c I was so tickled that I was slow changing all his clothes (again). We visited a breastfeeding specialist and Jack showed off for her...things are improving. His bilirubin or jaundice level was 12.4 (transcutaneous/skin) which is dropping and now officially in zone 1 (for all you know the AAP chart by heart....like me!). His weight was up to 7 lbs 9.8 oz---almost back to birthweight....since Friday at the Pediatrician visit (another posting)...he is gaining over 2 oz a day (milk guzzler).

We were the crazy parents at the Walgreen's photo center today...you know the ones..who are oblivious to everything else in the world...especially the fact that you are in a long line and they are doing something you think is stupid and taking way to long to do it. We were both trying to wake him up (after a feeding...bad idea) so we could have his passport photo taken. Yes, according to the United States government, an infant, must have their eyes open in a passport photo. We laughed so much but never got that photo! Now, I want to know, how they will use a newborn picture to identify him in a few months?

First Family Picture & Other Firsts

First Family Photo after Jack was born...You can't see Mr. Tarheel's smile but I know he had a big grin b/c of how his eyes looked. Poor Jack...he wasn't so happy getting pulled through a sun-roof into a bright, cold room.

There are other firsts...he laughed out loud last night. I don't know why but I imagined he was dreaming about how great his life will be! We went today & got our Christmas tree...his first Christmas is coming up....He also went to the grocery store for the first time. He was the quietest kid there...compared to all the toddlers asking for high sugary snacks. He's getting less jaundiced, eating well, and sleeping well...except between 1-3am...he likes quiet time with his Mom or Dad.

Sometimes, it's hard to believe. He's ours, all ours. Mr. Tarheel believed in this outcome. April believed for me when the HCG didn't rise normally. My believing has come in stages...one little step at a time. I'm almost there.

Thanks Dr. Tracy

Here's a picture of Dr. Tracy, getting ready to do my C-section...She was great for me emotionally and of course, the best skilled OB around. She remained a calming force for me throughout this long pregnancy, especially at the end. On the day of delivery, she handled everything so efficiently and reassured me constantly. When I saw her after the delivery, I asked her...now that he was born at 37 weeks, when did you really think he would be born? Remember, her prediction was to get to the "middle 30's" in gestation.... She smiled and said...I really did believe we would get there! Way to go...maybe she should open her own psychic office....So the day Jack was born, will always be remembered as a great day with no excepts at the end of the sentence!

Jack Update....well, he's still the cutest baby in Enumclaw! I'm biased, but it's really, really true! Jack is jaundiced and we were concerned, so we went to Swedish for a jaundice or bilirubin check last night. The level was 16 at 5 days of age, so he doesn't need phototherapy (18 was the treatment level). Guess what his Mom did....I guessed the level before I knew. I have ESPN...no, I mean ESP. My wonderful colleague, Alison, was SO helpful...thank you! She helped us get the level done and took time out of her busy day to spend time with us. Jack did something for the first time...he peed out of his diaper and on Sally, a night shift nurse. Sorry, Sally...I felt bad b/c she had to change her clothes.

My First Sight of Jack

Here's how Jack looked when I first saw him...I first saw the color pink (then exhaled) and then saw how handsome he was. He cried continuously during the first minutes of life and his apgars were 9 and 9!

The birth story would be way, way too long for one posting...you know my seem less rambling thoughts....so I'll give it in installments. Here we go...Mr. Tarheel & I had a visit with Dr. Tracy on Friday, Nov 30 with the plan to come back Monday, Dec 3rd for a NST/labs. Beforehand, I thought it could be that day, so I did pack my hospital bag (but unfortunately, I forgot to tell Mr. Tarheel to put it in the car...so we left it by the door that morning). The NST was normal and while we were waiting for the lab results to come back, we went to World Wraps, where I ate a nice steak burrito at 1130am (this insignificant detail becomes significant later:). When we returned to the office about noon to get the lab results, we noticed fire trucks around the administration building of Swedish and lots of people standing outside in the windy, pouring rain. The labs were mostly normal...platelets were low at 140K and uric acid above normal (officially) and increasing. Eva, Dr. Tracy's assistant, had called & told her my labs and she said she wanted to talk to us but couldn't leave the hospital b/c of some type of "electrical" fire in the hospital. Dr. Tracy wanted us to come back before 2:00pm to talk with her. So we went on a drive around Seattle, during the 2nd wettest day in Seattle's history, and guessed about what she was going to tell us. My guess was wrong....I thought she would say come back at the end of week again and maybe deliver next week. Mr. Tarheel dropped me off and after walking in to the office, I did not feel well. I asked Eva to take my BP again...earlier it had been 150/90 & stable. My BP was 168/100! Dr. Tracy came in & said...we need to have this baby....I said....today? The question was lung maturity...so she consulted her partner and the plan was to do an amnio to test for lung maturity and if mature, deliver. I had to ride in a wheelchair over to OB triage...which was initially weird but at least I wasn't short of breath, like when I was walking. I started worrying about the amnio but none of my fears were confirmed. It was less painful than a blood draw! Dr. Finch, radiologist, helped identify the best pocket of amniotic fluid and Jack held still and Dr. Tracy, aspirated (with a 22gauge needle...I had to ask) and the fluid was sent off stat, with the results usually taking 1-2 hours. My concept of time may not be precise, but I think the amnio was done about 3pm. So I started making my calls about what was happening....we knew we had to wait until my stomach was empty for 7-9 hours...so the delivery wouldn't be before 6:30pm.

More next time....Jack's waking up and I must go look into those beautiful eyes again!

My New Title: Mother

Here's Jack right after delivery...getting his first weight. There are many people to thank, but for starters..thanks to Dr. Tracy and my co-workers Deb & Cheryl for taking care of Jack at the delivery.

What an experience it was...giving birth and seeing our son for the first time. It's such a long story and I'm sure to describe every detail in excruciating detail...but later. We're back from the hospital and learning how to take care of Mr. Jack. It's a steep learning curve and we fell off of it on our first night home. But we don't think Jack is holding a grudge because he is loved so, so much.

I am a sum of my experiences, so the old wounds of infertility will be there forever...but growing there too, in my inner being, is the intense love I feel for Jack. I know there are people out there who will read this who are still in the trenches, so I hope, in some way, my story gives you hope.

I have learned not to take pregnancy and parenthood for granted. My dream---my wish for a child was complicated but now I can say inspiringly successful! I once read a series of essays from people who shared my same dream and their journeys. Here is my edited version of “Heedless Love” by Barbara Jones.

The irrevocable moment in becoming a parent is not the moment you conceive a child; it’s the moment you conceive of him. Maybe in your mind, he looks partly like you and partly like your husband. Maybe he looks partly like your husband and partly like some beautiful, genius egg donor. Maybe he is coffee brown and Peruvian; you are white and English. Maybe he is a she.

But whatever your idea of your child, once you have it, once you have thought of him as yours (which may happen ten years before he’s born, or four months into your pregnancy, or six weeks after you meet him), nothing can stop you from wanting him. And only some terrible force outside of your control will prevent you from having him.

You will run through icy winds for him. You will leave your husband for him. You will quit your job for him, take two jobs for him. You will lie slant, almost upside down, for forty-eight hours so he can be born two fewer days premature. You will let your bones crack apart for him. If the adoption agency says you are too old to adopt him, you will find another agency. If the first in vitro- insemination fails to produce him, you will shoot hormones into your butt for another month. And if you miscarry, your child has died. If the birth mother changes her mind, your child has been torn from you. So stay strong in your quest, preserve and wherever your journey takes you, go confidently, head held high.

I like my new title...mother!

The Happiest Day of Our Lives!

He's Here! Our Dream Come True!

Jack Christopher

Date: 12/03/07

Time: 7:28 pm

Weight: 7 pounds 10 ounces

Length: 21 inches

We will post more info/pictures when we are home from the hospital.

Goal Reached--37 weeks Today

This countdown will end soon, but not before the celebration of 37 Weeks Today!! I'm imagining (& you can too) me running like Rocky Balboa, through the streets of Philadelphia, shaking my fists in the air, my crowd of well-wishers running with me....go ahead, hum the theme to Rocky in your head.... I have a big smile on my face and so does Mr. Tarheel & Tucker....

At yesterday's appointment, my BP was 158/98--the highest ever but came down with rest to 140/90. My NST/labs were *normal*. I'm BIG, measuring 42cm (that's the uterus, measured from bottom to top) and at 37 weeks, it's supposed to be 37cm---so I'm 5 cm bigger than expected. Dr. Tracy started talking about delivery sooner rather than later but the plan now is to go back on Monday for another NST & labs. She listened to my fears & acknowledged with my job, I can go places others don't go. She explained wet lungs, maturity, & size to Mr. Tarheel, who quickly gave his views on factors affecting calf birth weight...(smile).

So the waiting continues, & we are going to bank up on sleep this weekend so we'll be ready for Mr. Jack if he comes next week.