Cautious Optimism

Today was another regular OB visit...another one with Dr. Megan, since Dr. Tracy is on vacation. We started with nurse Stacey and the non-stress test..monitoring the heart rate, looking for reactivity. Jack was passing with flying colors (especially after my apple juice) until nurse Stacey thought his heart rate dropped to the 80's. I thought it was my heart rate but Dr. Megan wanted to make sure, so we kept monitoring for a full hour and it never happened again. Nothing to worry about, they say. Now I can go back to my regular worries of global warming and who will win this weekend's NFL match-ups...

Dr. Megan is a good mix of humor and expertise....she checked out the amount of amniotic fluid and it's a little lower but still normal (in the normal range, but decreasing:). She said...you might make it to term (hopeful optimism).... & I started to laugh. Mr. Tarheel asked me, why are you laughing? I thought, I never in my wildest dreams actually believed that I would make it to term. I mentally prepared for the worst case scenario and it looks like it's not going to happen. I'm starting to feel more & more lucky (cautious optimism). Tomorrow is 33 weeks and this is the week on the outcome statistics that I have been waiting for....100% survival without severe sequela.

It's hard for me to believe that he's almost here. I have so much more to do...I don't have much stamina/energy to do much each day. We have to get the nursery ready...I don't have any diapers! I don't even know what kind to buy....I still have my goal of Dec 1---37 weeks....only 28 days to go.

Sleeping (aka Sawing Logs)

Here's a picture of my pillow wedge that Mr. Tarheel designed to help me with my breathing (aka snoring) at night. He refuses to go sleep in the guest room (aka foolish dedication) and has been known to press on my chin (aka jaw thrust) to see if he can open my airway more. Tucker (aka future big brother) hasn't complained yet!

Big News! UNC #1 and 32 weeks!

Big news...UNC ranked pre-season #1 in Coaches poll and I'm 32 weeks today! This Tarheel gal couldn't be happier....well, let me think about that. I'll be happier, first, when I see my healthy baby Jack and I'll be happier, second, when on March 16, UNC is wins the National Championship! This next year is going to be the happiest year of my life!

Here's some news:
GREENSBORO, N.C. -- The University of North Carolina was the unanimous pick as the favorite to win the Atlantic Coast Conference championship in men's basketball in 2007-08 and Tyler Hansbrough was voted the preseason ACC player of the year.

Men's Hoops No. 1 in Coaches' Poll
The University of North Carolina is ranked No. 1 in the nation in the 2007-08 preseason men's basketball coaches' poll, which was released by USA Today and ESPN Friday morning.

The Votes are In

Thanks to everyone who voted...helping me to guess what gestation Jack will be when he is born. Here are the results:

31-33 weeks: 18%
34-36 weeks: 43%
37-39 weeks: 37%

The funny thing is....about 18% of the time, I think he will come soon (31-33 weeks)...especially after my 32 week dream. Dr. Tracy has said several times that her prediction is the "middle 30's", which would be 34-36 weeks. But I'm banking on December 1st--the day that I turn 37 weeks---so in 36 days! I'm visualizing 37 weeks and a 7lb healthy baby, without any feeding problems:)

Puffy Is as Puffy Does

I know it's wordless Wednesday, but I need words today. On Monday, I was feeling more (& very) puffy...when I weighed myself yesterday morning, I had gained 7 lbs since my appointment on Friday. Now, in my pre-pregnant life, the number would have taken my breath away, but I'm passed that...my mind started racing towards the question, "Is this the beginning of pre-eclampsia?" So, of course, I didn't call Dr. Tracy until my sister, RaRa from SC told me to!

Yes, they were concerned enough to have me come in for a visit. Especially after I mentioned that I was short of breath with very slow walking. Dr. Tracy wasn't there, so I saw Dr. Megan. I liked her plan...check stat PIH (pre-eclampsia) labs, do a non-stress test, and give steroids if either isn't normal. This was my first non-stress test. There are 2 probes attached to your stomach...one to check for uterine contractions and one for the baby's heart rate. To "pass" the test, Jack had to have an acceleration in his heart rate, at least 15 beats above the baseline, lasting for at least 15 seconds. He was moving constantly (after I drank apple juice) and the nurse kept having to chase him with the probe. He cooperated better when I was on my left side. He passed and I had no contractions!

The labs turned out to be normal...yes, still in the normal range, not approaching the edge of the range, and not getting worse. My BP went from 160/90 (after walking in) to 110/60 (after lying down for 30 minutes). Dr. Megan's Plan: stay pregnant and rest more!

But, I say, I'm SO PUFFY! She says, yes, yes, it will probably get worse. I ask, when will I pop? She empathetically laughs. I appreciate the humor, but I don't laugh because I'm serious. One gallon of water weighs about 8 lbs...so my body is retaining lots of water. Hopefully, my heart and kidneys can keep pushing for another 5 weeks...Luckily, I bought a pair of 9 1/2 house shoes to wear b/c all my other shoes are 7 1/2!

Revisiting An Old Dream

Early in my pregnancy, when everything was "normal", including my BP...I had a dream that Jack would be born at 32 weeks. The next day, I went to work and we had five 32 week admissions...2 sets of twins and a singleton. That was weird but hopefully not prophetic. In my dream, I remember that Jack needed CPAP and one of my co-workers was giving me the RDS (respiratory distress syndrome) speech...like I've done so many times before. Mr. Tarheel was there, standing, and I was sitting in a wheelchair. I told him to sit down b/c he was pale. I turned and told my co-worker that I'd like them to intubate Jack and give him the survanta anyway. Then I woke up. In my dream, I wasn't emotional just my usual opinionated self. I see these "older" premies that need CPAP and believe they breath and eat better, faster, with a dose of survanta. Hopefully, this meant nothing....

But, I am concerned b/c I'm getting weaker, more swollen, more short of breath, and my world continues to shrink as I go from the bed to the couch and back again. Good news...my BP is still under 160/100--the magic numbers for possibly going into the hospital for more aggressive treatment. We're holding on...

Getting Closer--31 weeks!

Yesterday was another appointment to have an ultrasound and see Dr. Tracy....during the US, Jack was wiggling all over the place and putting his arms/hands near his head/mouth. The tech captured a great profile picture this time and each time I look at it, I think...Wow, there he is! Now, I still don't believe those mothers who say they didn't know they were pregnant and go to the ER with "abdominal pain" and then give birth to an 8 lb baby. How would you not know something very different is happening to your body with the normal changes of pregnancy? I've used denial, but even denial has it's limitations.

Jack's estimated weight is 4 lbs-6oz (60%), so my BP problems have not affected his growth. Everything is being reported as "normal"...and this time, he was big enough to see his gall bladder and aortic arch. You know me....wanting to check out everything possible! Dr. Tracy was pleased with the report but as I expected, thought my BP is getting too high again. So she increased my labetalol (BP medication). We are trying to achieve a balance because when I'm resting, my BP is normal and more medication could cause the resting BP to go too low. She brought up induction of labor when there's no where else to go with this and my/Jack's health begins to be affected. That's when I began my long request of a primary C-section...it was funny, b/c she cut me off after about 2 sentences, with the response, "OK". She said that I was right, there are less neonatal risks when the dating is correct (like in our case with IVF) and I would have at least a 50% chance to need one anyway with all my risk factors. Of all the things that I have had absolutely no control over during this experience, it felt weird but great to have a sliver of control! This is a load off my mind until I start thinking of the pain of surgery, but he has to come out one way or the other and my first choice is c-section.

So I go in now for weekly non-stress tests and appointments and there's a new push to get ready for him...I've ordered the crib and dresser/changing table and it will arrive next week.

My Sleeping Boys

Now, it's 30 weeks!

Yippee, instead of my lips starting to say TW (for twenty), now they can form TH (for thirty) and this is the phonetic sound that I will be making when I describe when Jack is born.....Yes, it's 30 weeks & 97% survival without severe sequela. That number is so high, we don't have to think anymore about survival with sequela because that's not going to happen!

Sometimes, time passes so slow...like the school clock in Risky Business (email me if you know what I'm talking about), that I sometimes think the clock is tricking me by ticking backwards. Then other times, I look at the pregnancy ticker and think, oh no, I have too much to do to get ready for this boy. There are too many books to read, too many movies to watch, more photo albums to do, birth announcements, Christmas cards, the nursery to set up....on & on. But then this old(er) pregnant body does the talking....telling me to rest after only about 5 minutes of anything unless I'm sitting/reclining. When this is over, my drive to move is going to take over and I'm going to be able to get things done.

But then again, I imagine that I'll be sitting for hours, staring into his face, feeling so thankful for this blessing named Jack.

Teenager Vs. Advanced Maternal Aged Red Angus

Starting today, I'm going to try a new thing...wordless Wednesday. I know, I know, this isn't wordless...but I felt compelled to at least tell you why I'll just be posting a picture and you'll only have the title as text--starting next week. This should be fun & help my creativity:)

Some of you know that I'm a Red Angus owner & certified cow watcher (yes, I'm in charge of nutrition & reproduction...Mr. Tarheel does all the dirty work!). The younger cow in the top is Scout, born in March 6th, weighing 88 lbs and on 9/1, she weighed 639 lbs. So she's officially a teenager and can be bred next summer/fall. The bigger Red Angus above is #38. I know, I should have thought of a name for her....but didn't/haven't. So her tag number is 38. She's 10 years old...already delivered about 7 or 8 calves and is officially advanced maternal age! She has an intermittently limp with arthritis and we are treating her gently to help her gain some weight (see the ribs). She is about 100 days pregnant (270 days is the gestation). She is SO laid back...you can walk behind her & she won't kick! Take Mr. Tarheel's advice and never stand behind a cow! I'll take her example & try to develop a laid back attitude since I'm in the advanced maternal age category also!

Baby Shower on 11/3: For Me?

You're invited to a Baby Shower on

Saturday, November 3, 2007

from 12-3pm (drop-in)

at Debbie Lester's home

7417 NE 198th PL

Kenmore, WA 98028

Please bring an appetizer to share.

Jack Christopher is registered at BabiesRUs (search under Teresa Myers)

RSVP (425) 486-8869 or

email: deb@isis.bm

In my previous infertile life, baby showers were a testament to extreme endurance and suppression of pain....it's right there in your face...what you hope for, save for, wait for....to have your own baby is happening for someone else & it's usually much, much easier than it will ever be for you. Now, don't get me wrong...infertiles are happy for those they care about having babies (even when it was easy for them), but it's just when you are left behind, the pain is ever so sharp. You must garner the energy to believe that it will be you one day...you will be the guest of honor at your own baby shower! There's a date on the calendar & Jack is constantly moving...it's finally happening for me!

Woo-Hoo at 29 Weeks!

This morning, early, before the clouds came up, I woke up Tucker (he's not a morning dog) and shouted---29 WEEKS today! He looks at me, wondering, what is all the excitement about? I ask forgiveness for the early arousal by giving him a new toy---a toy gorilla that makes gorilla sounds when it's squeezed. He's a fast learner....I only demonstrate it once and he's off to his spot and the house sounds like a jungle for the next 10 minutes. Enough time for me to make my coffee (decaf, of course) and sit down for my first rest break of the day.

Yes, the outcome data for 29 weeks is up to 97% survival and 93% without severe sequela....every day still counts because it means less time in the hospital and faster discharge. But of course, my goal is for him to come home with me--full-term! I'm starting to wonder how it will be to see him and take care of him! It's like waiting for Christmas to come when you're a kid...the anticipation is growing!

Doctor's order: More Rest

Yesterday was another appointment with Dr. Tracy. We're really getting to know each other well....after Jack is born, who will listen to all my aches & pains and help me solve all my problems?

None of my BPs are "dangerous" but they are trending up with even less activity...so more rest is in order. She entertained the idea of increasing the medicine again but with rest, my BP is normal and can't go any lower. She did the PIH labs again, so I'll find out those results today. My measurement went up 1 cm and is supposed to go up 2 in 2 weeks---so before the next appointment, I'll have another growth ultrasound. Maybe I heard her differently when she said things like..."He's not going to be a VLBW baby....hopefully, we'll get to the middle 30's gestation, and get ready for him..." Am I imagining things or is she preparing me for a preterm birth?

Dr. Tracy said the obvious...you can't go back to work while you're pregnant...duh! I needed to be told because there was a sliver of hope left in me. It had dwindled significantly when I stopped by work on my way over to my appointment (the buildings are connected with a skybridge). First of all, just getting ready for work and getting there would skyrocket my BP and the activity required there wouldn't definitely be too much....so I must adjust! It will be there, with it's joys & stresses, after Jack...

Excuse me, I must go rest....

First Goal Achieved--28 weeks today!

Today is a good day...my first goal reached--28 weeks! Hip, hip, hooray! 95% survival!!!! Back in the middle of August when my BP first went up, I kept looking at today's date on the calendar, hoping & praying that Jack would not be born in September. Here it is the end of September and everything is stable...no signs of preeclampsia and acceptable BPs on higher labetalol and lots of sitting around.

My nephew Lance once said, as he was buckled in his car seat, "I'm stuck!". I don't have a choice but to be a cooperative, compliant patient but the energy required to stay sane is increasing. If my thoughts turn south, I know to call someone who is a positive force and even discussing a new recipe or a recent cold will divert my attention. Mr. Tarheel, who isn't a talker, calls several times a day from work and helps distract me & keeps up with my BP. My attention span is decreasing and I've stopped looking at the clock so much. It doesn't matter what time it is to me anymore, except to take my medication. I use the sun for that...sun comes up..take my pills, sun goes down, take my pills...

I'm sure this is just the beginning of putting Jack's needs before mine. He has lots more growing to do, so I wait as patiently as possible. I thought of starting a new countdown--to 37 weeks instead of 40...that takes 21 days off the ticker and seems much less emotionally...so here's to 63 days to go!

The Listening Skills of Tucker

Tucker, the big red dog, is a great listener. As I am constantly talking, he looks at me with his wrinkled brow and his eyes seem to understand what I'm saying. He can interpret Southern!

Let's go back to the beginning...when my precious, first-loved dog Scout died, I sub-consciously had no intentions of letting another dog get inside the deepest part of my heart ever again. Scout was my four-legged son and that's all there was to it. Even though almost 3 years have passed, it's a wound that is still there, rarely sharp, but a consistent dull ache. When Tucker walked into my life, I resisted a deep bond with him. Mr. Tarheel must have quietly sensed this, because he took care of Tucker most of the time.

Over the past year, my guard has slowly been let down as Tucker has not given up on helping me to unconditionally love him. He seeks me out for a pet and follows me around the house constantly. He will even interrupt his sprint for the neighbor's cat, if I tell him no. He makes me laugh with his whimsical faces. Yes, if he wants to go outside when I'm sleeping, I don't resist anymore or get irritated. I know he wouldn't make me go to the bathroom in the rain if our roles were reversed.

He has been truly excited about spending all this time with me. He will position himself beside the desk, so when I'm on the computer, I can rub him with my feet. He never complains about my naps and takes those opportunities to stretch out & rest his head on Mr. Tarheel's pillow. I've been telling him that our lives will be changing soon and he will be a big brother...& he appears to be listening!

27 weeks today--only 10 more to term!

Yesterday, we went for our ultrasound and appt with Dr. Tracy. Mr. Tarheel noted that I wasn't the least bit nervous this time (a first). I guessed Jack would weigh about 1100 grams--but his estimated weight is 1335 grams/2lb-15oz (81st%) and head circumference is 25.8cm(55%)! Mr. Tarheel (with a smirk on his face) said that we could have a 10 pound baby...but on the growth charts, this percentile at 40 weeks equals an 8lb baby (OK, bigger than my dream of 7lbs, but still OK)! In every category, we were put in the "normal" range with a comment of "borderline greater than expected growth since 8/24". I guess Jack did obey his mother and grow as fast as he could!

I shifted into "OCD pregnancy mode" as we walked over to the OB appt. After chit chatting with Mr. Tarheel, Tracy set me at ease by checking out all my concerns. First, she agreed that with mild activity, my BP was getting too high. I wanted to increase my daytime Labetalol dose and keep the same night time dose--so she agreed and let me feel in control! I was feeling cervical pressure over the last few days, so she checked that out and it was normal. She told me to start relaxing because Jack was going to survive but he was still a "big, wimpy, white boy"....this she had to interpret for Mr. Tarheel...he had never heard of big white baby boys not wanting to breath or eat like others their size/age. We all laughed & I was calm when I left the office. Now, that's a good visit--when you can leave calm!

Today is 27 weeks! Today's outcome data is 94% survival, with 85% without severe sequela! This week the survival % goes up 0.4% daily and the "without severe sequela" % goes up 1.5% daily....As these numbers improve, I do start to hope for more...to go home with us, no feeding problems...I'm feeling greedy!

Preseason Blue Ribbon Poll: UNC #1

The preseason predictions of success begin with the blue ribbon poll & the Tarheels are #1! We await the big boys (the ones that really count)...the AP & ESPN poll.

http://tarheelblue.cstv.com/sports/m-baskbl/spec-rel/091807aac.html

Excitement is building and the first game that Tarheel88 will be able to watch on TV is November 14th at Davidson on ESPN. Only 53 days away! Now we have 2 countdowns going on!

Random Thoughts of Boredom

Yes, I believe I can officially call myself bored. There are levels to everything and the degree of boredom that I'm feeling has reached a deeper level. I think I will look back at this time and wish for a lazy afternoon with no agenda and no fatigue. Too much of any one thing isn't balanced...even resting. So here are some random activities/thoughts of the day:

1. Today I read letters between Mr. Tarheel & I written back in 1994, while he was in Haiti serving Uncle Sam. Wow, just married and young in love...it was refreshing. Time passed: 1 1/2 hours.
   
2. Today, I organized all the needlepoint pillow cases that my precious, recently passed away Aunt Kat made for me--keepsake treasures! Time passed: 30 minutes.
3. I wrote a letter to an old friend's mother, who will never be in computer land and always gives me handmade birthday gifts. I was on a roll and wrote another letter to an aunt to send with a pillow, which was made by her mother over 19 years ago. Her mother has passed away and I thought she would love to have this pillow, instead of me keeping it stored in a closet. Letter writing is a long lost art! Time passed: 1 hour.
4. I watched the channel Equator and saw 9 mountain lions hunt/kill a wildabeest...dramatic but real life footage. My obsession with the weather reached an all-time height today when I noticed that during the morning forecast, today's high was decreased 3 times! Time passed: 1 hour.
5. Mr. Tarheel sensed my anxiety about the new dishwasher not being completely installed even though I have lots of time to wash dishes. He obliged me and finished it and it is 100% level! I read the new manual to him aloud and he laughed as I read the section on "How to load for maximum efficiency". Time passed: 1 hour.
6. Daytime Mariners vs. A's--(we swept them!) & crotcheting. Time passed: 2 hours.
7. Reading & nap. Time passed: 1 1/2 hours.
8. Joined a Surviver pool...read all the new Survivor contestant bios. Time passed 15 minutes.

So this is only a total of about 9 hours....Oh yes, I did my kick count, dutifully cooked my oatmeal, took my BP, did some laundry, talked on the phone to my regulars--April & Alayne, and sat in the sun while watering the cows...I guess from this list, I'm staying very busy!

All Smiles at 26 weeks!

As interesting of a person that I am :), sometimes it's difficult to write something here worth reading. Sometimes, it reads blah, blah, blah, blah, blah....but I know that you're all VERY happy that I'm 26 WEEKS TODAY! Now, 26 weeks if one of those in-between weeks but we have to trudge through it to reach our ultimate goal of a full-term baby on December 1st! Some of you may have guessed, that Mr. Tarheel & I are memorizing PMG outcome data based on weeks gestation and birth weight. Don't give me grief, Mr. Tarheel is making an A+ in the class that I am teaching him on Introduction to High Risk Pregnancy! I don't even have to look it up, I know that survival today is 91% and without severe sequelae is 77%....& every day, it goes up! This sounds like I think he's going to be born soon, which really, I don't. If I feel stressed inside, I keep repeating, "Grow Jack, grow" & it helps me calm down! Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want Jack to come out weighing 10 lbs, but a respectable 7 lbs will be fine with me!

I had my first delivery dream last night. It wasn't a nightmare b/c Jack was born full-term. In the dream, I was at home & labor started but I had to wait for Mr. Tarheel to come home to take me to Swedish. It wasn't very long in the dream, but before he arrived, my contractions were so close, I called 911. The ambulance arrived shortly after Chris did and they told me that there's not enough time to get me to Swedish. They took me to Enumclaw hospital, which is 5 minutes away and I had Jack in the ER. I remember that I was so proud to tell everyone that I had natural childbirth! The funny thing is, I have zero intentions to have natural childbirth, but you hear of these situations, when the person doesn't have a choice. When I woke up, I couldn't remember what Jack's face looked like. Maybe, I'll finish the dream tonight!

Waiting for the Other Side

The sun rises, the sun sets, and another day of this pregnancy passes....yes, my mind is going places today. Places in the past, like back in 1996 when we first "tried" to have a baby...now that's 132 months of waiting, 3872 days passing, now hopefully only about a 100 left to go. The dream of having a baby was with me for all those days. Sometimes dreams become realities with determination, patience, persistence, and the intestinal fortitude to keep searching for an achievable way to reach your dream. My dream is happening...each day brings us closer to meeting Jack...oh, what a day it will be!

It's helps for me to see what people are like "on the other side" of infertility/loss. I see smiles and a deep appreciation of the blessings of children. The same qualities that helped them through the dark days trying to have a baby, helps them in their new life as parents. Here's a video called Seasons made by some wonderful parents for the International Infertility Film Festival: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_rwQ4FuyBCo
Luckily, the seasons of our life have brought Mr. Tarheel & I closer...we'll be on the other side soon.

Another Circle Around the Sun

Wow, another circle around the sun has been completed for Tarheel 88. Yes, 9/7/07 was my 41st birthday--a little anti-climatic after last year! Have you ever noticed that when someone is in their 30's, they are still likely to tell you their upcoming age when they talk about their birthday? It becomes less likely as you progress in your 40's, I think.

Mr. Tarheel made sure I had my favorite cake--carrot cake from Black Diamond Bakery...here I am, blowing out my 1 instead of 41 candles! I didn't want to create a fire hazard...Notice the beautiful flowers in the background...sent to me from the best NNPs in the world--Kim, Deb, Heather, Alison, Sandy, Cheryl, Susanne, and Traci.

It was a celebration also to learn that my PIH panel and gestational diabetes tests were normal. Now, the call from Devin, Dr. Tracy's assistant, goes like this...

Ring, Ring..

Tarheel88: hello

Devin: Hi, your labs are normal...Dr. Tracy says keep up the good work and see you on the 21st.

Tarheel88: Now, what was my glucose?

Devin: 100--we like it to be under 140.

Tarheel88: Wow, pancreas of steel! Now what was my creatinine? GFR? Uric Acid? Hct?

Devin: 0.6, >60, 4.6, 36%...all normal. Would you like me to fax you the results?

Tarheel88: No, that's OK, you said they were all completely normal? Did any of them change from last time? I mean, you know how they can still be normal but getting worse....but still officially in the normal range?

Devin: YES, all were COMPLETELY NORMAL--in the NORMAL RANGE (emphasis added)!

I must get her some chocolate before this is over!

If I Can't be Normal, I'll Settle for Stable

Yesterday was an appt with Dr. Tracy...I had my 3 pages of BP readings and she was happy with the numbers. Today, I'll find out the results of the sugar test for gestational diabetes and the PIH panel...the labs to see if I'm developing pre-eclampsia. Dr. Tracy was all smiles and said that she doesn't think I'll be getting pre-eclampsia in the next few weeks. YIPPEE, things are stable....if I can't be "normal", I'll settle for stable.

Dr. Tracy said that I could slowly increase my activity and monitor my BP...& to call in if it reaches 160/100 (scary numbers for me) and she will increase the labetalol. This is a N=1 non-randomized study to see if I "may" be able to get back to work during the pregnancy. I love all the advice that I'm getting (really) and no one wants to hear about me coming back to work anytime soon. After 10 years of waiting and hoping and over 40K of hard-earned money spent, don't worry, I won't come back unless my BP is normal & it's 100% safe!

Next appointment will be in 2 weeks, 9/21 and we'll have another growth ultrasound then. Mr. Jack is measuring big right now and for some reason, has kept me up over an hour during the night for the past 2 nights. I tell him that it's night time but even as a fetus, he has a mind of his own. I can't complain, it's what I've waited for and I can sleep late if I want to!

Ways to Pass Time

I'll bet some of you are wondering what am I doing with all this free time. I do wish that I had one of these lazy days in the middle of my former hectic life instead of under these circumstances....but here is a list of some of the highlights of my days:

1. I'm cooking Quaker oats almost every morning for breakfast and eating it with fresh sliced peaches. The cooking is one new thing..before, when I ate instant oatmeal, I was always busy doing something while I ate. Now, I'm enjoying the taste of real oats and I've learned how to recognize a ripe peach by the feel/smell of it.
2. Since we're talking about cooking...using Mr. Tarheel's mother's cookbook, I made homemade baked macaroni and cheese. Suffice it to say, my cooking needs more work and the dish needs salt in it. I get an A for effort.
3. I'm reading 2 books at once...now you may ask, Why? They are Charles Dickens' Bleak House and Anthony Bourdain's Kitchen Confidential. Both excellent but very different books and going back & forth during the day helps keep me reading, thus, passing more time.
4. Crocheting Jack's Baby Blanket...now any of you who have seen my crocheting will be impressed that I actually have straight rows that are the same length...I've come a long way. Mr. Tarheel picked out the yarn & it's a nice dark red.
5. Cow watching: Big Red, the bull came over for his yearly visit. Previously, I felt like the bull was in control, but now that I can recognize the nuances of bovine mating behavior, I know that the lady cows are 100% in control! Winston, our steer, developed a limp and wheezing...when the vet came over, he diagnosed hoof rot and pneumonia. Winston had to be sedated for his treatment and as a sitting by-stander, I'm glad that I work in a more controlled, clean environment!
6. Sleeping: Both high BP and labetalol make me sleepy, so at least one nap is necessary every day. I needed a morning and an afternoon nap until I slowly trained myself not to wake up at 0500 anymore. I've never been a late sleeper, but I've actually slept until 0800 a few times!
7. Watching TV & movies: Now, I'm interested in the weather, watching the weather, talking about the weather, and realizing that the forecast is their educated guess and I need to get a life if I'm telling people how the forecast was wrong for over half of last week. Watching the Mariners is difficult when they're losing...but I still turn it back during the commercials of whatever I move on to watch. I have UNC basketball games recorded from last season and I watch my Heels sometimes...only a little over 2 months until the new season starts! A new favorite show is Ninja Warrior...a Japanese obstacle course show with sub-titles.
8. Talking & emailing to lots of family & friends who are helping me pass this time...growing Jack!

One Hurdle Jumped: 24 weeks today

Today is 24 weeks...I don't exhale, relax, or think...yes, we've made it! But it is a milestone that I'm grateful to reach, at home. For all of you in neonatal land, you know what I'm talking about. For the others...until today, there was a 0% chance for Jack to be born & survive. Now this is a chance, albeit a small one, that if he was born, he could survive with maximum intervention. This "maximum intervention" is part of my job and I am intimately aware of the journey. Intimately aware, but not emotionally aware, because I have never stood by the bed of my own precious premature baby, feeling what I have observed so many times. When it's your job, you can & must compartmentalize it, so you can go back day after day, year after year and help where it is in your realm to help. When my mind goes there, terror seizes my heart and I leave that place as quickly as I can, talking to Jack & telling him that I will do everything in my power for him to be born in December, full-term!

Don't get me wrong, it's not easy to sit here, waiting. Yes, I fill the hours with semi-productive activities, especially sleep. I don't dwell too much on the future, just today. Mr. Tarheel is a big help, spending all his non-work, non-sleeping hours creating little mental diversions to distract me. He has told me the history of the Spartan/Persian war with a side discussion of using terrain to your advantage in battle. Then we watched the movie 300 and I actually liked it. We sit and watch the cows each day and here he told me the history of the development of the black and red Angus breeds in England and I had no idea he knew all this. We talk about where we want to travel and where will be the best places to take Jack at different ages. We agree that a toddler shouldn't and won't go on an 18 hour plane trip! We discuss parenting and I'm in awe of his introspection about what it takes to be a good parent. We wait together....for Jack.

A Tribute To Aunt Kat

Mary Kathleen Weishaar: 10/5/1932-8/20/2007...my beloved "Aunt Kat" died last Monday. She was actually my great-Aunt, my Grandmother's sister, who had moved so far from home over 40 years before and we ended up living in the same place. Although she suffered from the complications and pain from rheumatoid arthritis, she was a wonderful example of how to age with dignity and grace. She so rarely complained, that occasionally, I would force her by telling her that she had to for at least 1 minute...she never could complain for the entire minute. Except for the very end, her mind was sharp and she was kind and tolerate to those around her with dementia. Once we were discussing how some people suffer only in the mind and some, like her, suffer only physically. She had a profound response, "It's best if your body and mind wear out at the same time."
She loved the Seattle Mariners and she transferred that love over to me. We were known to talk on the phone through half the game, sharing commentary and opinions about the players, managers, and opposite team. She loved it when they beat the Yankees, especially if there was a "fight" during the game. Now I feel an emptiness during the games because I can't call to ask her opinion about the manager getting thrown out or why we get to the edge of winning and then lose 3 games to the Angels.

She was my little piece of North Carolina in this place over 3000 miles away. When you grow up in a place, even separated by 30 years, there is a comfort in "knowing" it and the history of all of the extended family without explanation. For years, she would prepare "home cooking" like fried chicken and okra for me and she was excited when I found a vendor at Pike Market that sold fried chicken livers--her favorite. Her speciality for years was making dish cloths out of a certain type of blanket that she would find at second hand stores and giving them away. She loved helping those she loved and found joy in their smile. She was a giver, in the true sense of the word.

Now, she's physically gone but I'm a better person to have known and loved her and I am so lucky to have been loved by her. Rest in peace, Aunt Kat.....

23 weeks Today!

Yesterday was the scheduled US and appointment with Dr. Tracy. Like last time, it was great to see Jack and they checked, he's still a boy! Interval growth was normal and estimated weight was 641 grams (1 lb, 6 oz)! He turns/moves alot and likes his hands by his face. He rests his right arm/hand on his forehead, like he's irritated at all the commotion. Mr. Tarheel went with me to the appt for the first time...I introduced him as my better half (isn't that the truth!). He recognized Dr. Tracy's skill/compassion and was impressed that she asked him for questions and answered them. He asked her to tell me not to research my condition on the internet anymore...she put her hand on my arm and said, "Stop!". He's really concerned about my persistent, moderately severe left foot/calf swelling (the right one is normal), so I'm going to get a doppler study next week to check the circulation. I don't think I have a blood clot b/c it's not red or painful and has been swollen since 11 weeks. Maybe I have a case of "bad vein valves"...that is so low on my list of concerns right now, but it's good he's watching out for me!

After just walking in to the office my BP was 150/82, meaning that's a little too much activity. My morning labetalol was doubled to 100mg twice a day and I was hoping for a normal BP. She reviewed all my BP readings and said the higher dose will help lower them. They range from 126-150's/70-84. Now I'll take my BP twice a day after rest and twice a day after activity...& call her if they reach 160/100. I asked about threshold for more aggressive (IV) treatment...she said at 160-180/110, you have to go into the hospital. Does anyone want to help me design my own home flowsheet for my BP?

Thinking back over the discussion, she presented a good combination of realism and optimism. She said we don't need to give you the betamethasone "yet"...Mr. Tarheel said, "What's that for?" and she said to accelerate the lung development. She went on to say that many times pre-eclampsia develops rapidly and you need it yesterday in these cases...meaning sometimes, you can't wait 48 hours to deliver after presentation. I asked her what chance she thought I had to develop pre-eclampisa...she said, "50%, but probably after 35 weeks"....I like this educated guess! She mentioned again that complete bedrest may be in my future.

So now the plan is to come back on 9/6, repeat PIH labs, do the glucola (checking for gestational diabetes) and check for some auto-immune issues that could be the needle in the haystack causing all this. So, I'm sitting around here on the farm, watching Mr. Tarheel do all the work except my job of growing Jack!

YIPPEE...UNC Basketball Schedule is Out!

Yes, all you Tarheel fans, or friends/family of the #1 Tarheel fan...aka...me. Today was the day & they made me wait a full 10 days later than last year (what's up with that Roy?).....the schedule is OUT! There are 2 games west of the Mississippi, but in late November, Tarheel88 will not be more than a lights and sirens drive from Swedish Medical Center at 36 weeks pregnant...poor Jack will be wondering what in the world is happening outside of his nice womb to make his Mom yell so loud! He'll be so happy to know he was born before the conference games begin...b/c that is on Jan 6 and he must head out before then! Yes, Tarheel88 is a crazy, screaming, lunatic during the games...what do you expect from the #1 fan!

I see my UNC beat Duke night will be on Feb 6...so watch out....the Cameron crazies will be doing what they were doing last year during the NCAA tournament...watching UNC win on TV! Coach K might better line up his next career with American Express....

So I'm off to memorize the schedule....with a smile on my face:)
Check out the website for the schedule:
http://tarheelblue.cstv.com/sports/m-baskbl/unc-m-baskbl-body.html

The Ups/Downs of Blood Pressure

After a few days on the Labetalol, I'm an expert on the drug. First of all, I can spell it correctly now and I know intimately the ebbs/flows of it's effects and side effects. The half life is 6-8 hours...I'm thinking the shorter time due to my increased volume of distribution (don't let your mind wonder...the increased blood volume of all pregnant women!). After about an hour of taking it, I feel wonderful for about 5-6 hours, except the side effect of drowsiness. This is an extreme drowsiness like working night shift and to stay awake, you have to force your eyes to stay open. Of course, I'm sitting around all the time, so I just take a nap. I fall asleep within seconds....no more insomnia! I take it about every 12 hours, so my feeling good time at night is while I'm sleeping. There is a relatively unknown side effect of beta blockers that I'm having...decreased anxiety! Wow, a side effect that I like, that is actually helping me! My BP is related to activity...when I'm active, it's too high...so I sit around most of the time. Reading, watching the Mariner's win, looking for the end of the internet, and of course, talking (on the phone) are my favorite activities this week.

Time keeps ticking, ticking, ticking..into the future.....

Counting Time: 22 weeks

There are so many different ways to count time...we celebrate years on our birthdays, months until the next season or vacation, days until Friday, hours until the alarm goes off, minutes during sports events, and seconds during pain. Today, I'm 22 weeks and I'm counting the weeks until Jack has the possibility of being a healthy baby. Of course, I still pray for a healthy term baby, but my compromise would be just a healthy pre-term baby. Yesterday was another doc visit, this time with Dr. Tracy. As always, she was the picture of reassurance and calmness. She reviewed my BP readings--about 4 a day anywhere from 130-164/70-86 and said, yes, you have gestational hypertension, let's start you on labetolol. I like ACTION! This will lower my BP and so far has made me very drowsy. That's OK, I have plenty of time for naps.

She wants to be conservative and have me not work until this is resolved. She reiterated that my chances for pre-eclampsia are higher now but with the next breath said, "but you don't have it now. We are at the beginning of our treatment ability for this, so just go home and rest. " I told her that I had done some research of my own and she said for me to remember that I don't have the context to put it in, so don't get my tail feathers ruffled. Next visit will be in 1 week on 8/24 and we'll have an ultrasound to check Jack's growth before the visit since high BP can decrease growth in the baby.

Mr. Tarheel is just learning about all this and is processing it pretty fast. Tucker likes to have me around all the time. I went on the library website and requested lots of books and movies from Netflix. I'm going to pick up some yarn and start on a baby blanket for Jack. That's a great activity during the Mariner's games. Luckily for me, they are playing 44 out of the next 45 days. I'll try to read the recommended Bleak House by Charles Dickens. I'm sure I'll not have time for any Dickens in the next few years!

My First "Abby-Normal"--Gestational Hypertension

Here is Mr. Tarheel & my niece Grace...my sister April came for a visit with 11 month old Grace. What a wonderful visit! This was just after 5am at the airport...thus the tired faces!

I had a regular prenatal visit with Dr. Tracy and my BP was up a little...138/84, up from 110/60. She wanted me to keep taking it myself and let her know if it ever got to 140/90 and come back in 2 weeks instead of 4. So on Monday, I was at work and not feeling very good. It's a feeling of not being quite right, tired, slight headache. I took my BP myself and it was about 144/90, so I called the office. I drank about 40 oz of water in 3 hours b/c I felt a little dehydrated. When I went over to the appt with Dr. Pray, it was 166/90. It came down a little with more rest. She said your long shifts are over and you must rest until this resolves. I had PIH labs done stat and they were normal. I'm going back to see Dr. Tracy on Friday & do a 24 hour urine collection for protein (don't ask!). So since I didn't have hypertension before pregnancy, my diagnosis is gestational hypertension.

So with lots of rest--2 or 3 naps a day and sleeping 8-9 hours at night, my BP is between 130-150/74-84...so rest is helping. It's frustrating for a control gal like me to not have any control over my own body..but sometimes I am just lying on the couch and my pulse is bounding enough for me to count my heart rate in my head. Weird..huh. Of course, sometimes I can let myself go down the dark road of worry, but I would say that overall, I'm positive & upbeat b/c it's not getting worse right now. My risk of pre-eclampsia is higher now, up to 25%, but I keep telling myself that there's a 75% chance of it not occurring. Jack is moving more and sometimes there are lumps or body parts that I can feel on the outside--interesting! I talk to him and tell him to hold on, grow big & fast, and if needed, I'll hang upside down for him to stay in there as long as possible!

Side note...the 2007-2008 UNC Basketball roster is out....usually, there is a time when I am learning everyone's statistics, position, hometown, etc but alas, we only have 1 new player. He is Will Graves, a red-shirt freshman and now the heaviest player on our team...he must be built like a brick wall...6-6 and 245 lbs! They update this roster and it's even been known for a player to lose an inch of height (how is that?) but I'll bet by Jan/Feb, Mr. Graves will slim down a little after he does all the running that Roy demands! I'm still waiting (impatiently) for the schedule to be released...it should be anytime.

The Apple Has a Stem

August 1st came & went and we had our anatomy screen of the baby. Beginning several days before, I started feeling more and more both excited and nervous. I knew if an anomaly was identified, I would have a new set of concerns...but I keep telling myself that it is a 98% chance for everything being healthy. I prayed alot and was unusually calm (some denial mixed in too). I told Karen, our ultrasound technician, that I took care of sick babies....she responded with "I know your type" and then smiled. She was great to tell us what she was looking for and then a "normal" afterwards. The baby was moving around alot and kicking, with hands by the mouth...it was great to see. Mr. Tarheel smiled really big. All measurements/growth/everything was reported as "normal". I'll see the written report when I go see Tracy on Wednesday. As she was scanning down the abdomen, Karen asked, "would you like to know the gender?". We said yes, together. The image was perfectly clear...a boy! We're so happy & can start calling him by his name....Jack Christopher!

19 weeks, 21 to go!

For all of you concerned people out there, here are my feet, elevated above my heart...Yes, my swelling continues, only mild in the right foot and moderate in the left. I wear RaRa's compression stockings when I'm working about 12-14 hours until pain sets in...it helps. This picture was after a day off, so working doesn't make it worse.

This week, I've been feeling little light touches inside...no distinctive thumps but it's getting stronger. It's easiest to feel when I'm sitting straight up, after eating. But a few days ago, I felt it while standing, before lunch. When I feel it, I have a reassuring thought...you're alive in there, I tell the baby.

My background anxiety continues...I think of the next milestone...the big anatomy scan on 8/1, Wednesday @ 4:30pm...we hope to find out the sex, if the baby cooperates! Neither Mr. Tarheel nor I have had any dreams about what sex it is, so we'll be surprised. I've been working alot and this is the root of most of my anxiety...I work with sick babies. Like the car commercial, I go from calm to terror in 2.3 seconds when dealing with extreme prematurity, or genetic defects, and this week, we've had 2 deaths...which are rare. So I focus on doing what I can for the babies/families, I keep breathing in/out, and putting one foot in front of the other. I know my chance of having a healthy term baby is 98%. One thing is for sure, pregnancy is a temporary condition!

1:20,000

Today I got the integrated screen results and it wasn't just another "normal" it was "way better than normal", the equivalent of A++. The risks of a chromosomal abnormality is 1:20,000, which equals a 0.00005% chance. I'll sleep good tonight! Maybe I should buy a lotto ticket today too.

I took a belly picture...since I had to take it myself, I left my head out. Imagine my face with a big smile on it! This is me at 17 weeks pregnant...

For the last few days, I have gotten an organization bug. I've started cleaning out drawers, boxes, and throwing old junk away. I feel productive! I have to consolidate 2 closets into 1, so I'm cleaning out the one in the future nursery first. I'm a little supersticious, so we won't be officially calling it the nursery until September, the edge of viability. But dreams are forming for future crib purchases, themes, etc. Any ideas?

Don't worry, I still take my daily afternoon nap after lunch...resting up for my long work weekend of Friday & Sunday...both 25 hour shifts. Saturday will be an official sleep day!

A Healthy Dose of Denial

Coping with pregnancy is a new experience. I'm an old hat at coping with infertility...I'm an expert at waiting to become pregnant but actually being pregnant is so completely different. My #1 coping strategy so far has been denial. Now, I remember believing that denial was never good or appropriate. Over the years, I've learned that denial can be OK unless it keeps you from doing what you need to be doing. My denial is highest in the mornings because unless I see that side view of myself in the mirror, I feel like a heavier version of my non-pregnant self. Something or someone will break my denial bubble by bringing up something like "Congratulations, how far along are you?" or go to give me hug. I do a double take sometimes and think, wow, they are happy for Me. Then the old alibi of fear steps in, telling me "oh yes, you are pregnant now, but you don't know if you'll have a premature baby or a healthy one or tease me with negative thoughts of being an old 41 year old mother...". At this moment, I decide to take one day at a time and use more denial (I have a limitless amount) and after a little prayer, go on about my daily business!

Denial aside, I've updated the look of the blog and put a pregnancy ticker at the top. This was a big step for me and just a small way to decrease the denial and say, yes, you are 17 weeks pregnant today! When I saw the 161 days left, I threw some denial back on because that seems like such a long time from now!

Ice cream, snoring, & other random thoughts

Summer madness is here, the wonderful, beautiful Pacific Northwest summer. Amnesia ensues for everyone here, no thoughts about rain or gray days....just the beautiful, daily view of our Mt. Rainer. I'm feeling lucky because I have air conditioning and that means that I can sleep cool and only wake myself up from snoring. When your snoring wakes you up, you realize that you've heard a sound, but you're not sure at first what...is it someone trying to come in? Despite clear and open nasal passages all day, my nose is stuffy at night and poor Mr. Tarheel doesn't complain too much. He wakes me up sometimes with various descriptions of the sounds that I'm making and it's quite sweet except he thinks I having decreased oxygen or hypoxia...but I don't think so...what do you think? I told him that if he was so very worried that he could record my snoring and come with me to my next appointment and play it for Tracy to see if she thinks I should get a sleep apnea test....so we'll see.

I've developed a liking to a new favorite St*rb*cks drink...an orange creamsicle. You must try it, it's a frappacino and the best treat in the world. I have decided not to look up the nutritional information because I don't need any more guilt in my life.

Speaking of ice cream, I had ice cream for dinner tonight...mint chocolate chip..my favorite. I compromised with the slow, churned brand, 1/2 the fat. Mr. Tarheel was questioning the nutrition of such a dinner ...I read this week that one reason why your children like food that you like & eat is because the amniotic fluid is slightly flavored by the mother's diet. So I told Mr. Tarheel that the baby will like all foods hot & spicy (it must burn) and mint chocolate chip flavor! He shook his head...it must be hard to keep trying to understand a wild & crazy 40 year old pregnant woman.

More random thoughts....being 40 & pregnant...wow, never in my wildest dreams. I remember looking up what age I would be for the new millennium & feeling sad that I would be so old, in my 30's. It's a good thing that as you age, your concept of age changes. I do believe that if I was 30, this pregnancy wouldn't be as stressful on my body...but here I am. I feel good right now, just a little more tired than normal. Maybe that has something to do with my snoring...

Now, a note to the real Tarheel fans....only 4 months to basketball season. I hear your screaming already! I'm waiting and checking weekly for the release of the 07-08 roster/schedule. It usually comes out in August. Congrats to Brandan Wright...#8 overall in the NBA draft! Check out his story: http://tarheelblue.cstv.com/sports/m-baskbl/spec-rel/062807aab.html

That will be one lucky baby...to be able to start watching the Tarheels right after birth!

16 weeks, 3 days

The last week has passed mostly uneventfully. After work on Thursday, I'll be having the quad screen drawn and will find out the results early the next week. Only 3 weeks left until the anatomy screen and hopefully finding out the sex of the baby. That is so far down on my list, but it will be good to be able to say "he" or "she" instead of "the baby" or "it" to reference the baby. As time gets closer, I'm sure I'll have a crescendo of anxiety. I've seen the list put out by genetics to discuss various anomalies and pray that I won't be on any such list. I'm also not naive about getting all these "normal" reports and then after the fact, there is something wrong. When I do my own newborn exam on the baby, I'll have some reassurance then and only then. Now, I wait & trust!

I tried to take a picture of myself to show how pregnant I look. I kept deleting them b/c I actually hated how I looked. I have gained weight all over, not just in the stomach area. So unless you remember my pre- pregnancy body, it just looks like I've gained weight. But I know I have amnesty right now and actually don't worry too much about it. My stomach is firm and round and it is slowly getting bigger. It will be interesting as this unfolds. I'll write more again soon:)

I'm Normal

Today is Mr. Tarheel & my 13 year anniversary...where have all the years gone? It just seems like yesterday, we were young, footloose, & fancy-free. Yes, we were dumb & naive too & dirt poor, but I'm chosing to remember the great memories! Here's to many more years of wedded bliss!

My prenatal visit this week was another "normal". There I was, sitting in the office, waiting to go back, feeling like an imposter. There were "pregnant" women sitting all around me. Very pregnant women. They were smiling, & chatting, & reading magazines. I don't feel like a real pregnant woman yet. I get anxious as I'm driving to my appointment. I write down my questions, & review them in the waiting room. These aren't your normal questions, like how is everything going. These are questions like, when can we make sure the aorta is coming off the left ventricle and how common is a choriod plexus cyst. I'm trying not to have a OCD pregnancy, even though I fight a gravitational pull toward it. I've even missed a few days of my prenatal vitamin...

It goes like this...you check your urine for glucose/protein. I did mine twice, just to make sure. I weigh myself and they trust you to tell them, the truth. I gained 4 pounds in 5 weeks. Wow! The assistant takes you into the room..super nice girl named Eva. She takes your blood pressure...again, I'm looking at the dial and wondering how can she be so sure when she's letting the air out that fast? Tracy comes in...she's chatty & smiling. She answers all my questions, reassurringly. She gets the doppler and puts in down very low and the wonderful sound of a heart rate of 160 is pounding away. I think to myself, the baby is still alive! I write down her instructions on how to schedule my ultrasound...at 19 instead of 18 weeks so we can see that pesky pulmonary artery/aorta that I'm so insistent to see. She tells me, if they can't see it, we'll do another ultrasound later in pregnancy. I add, can they see the diaphragm then too? She says, Yes! I start breathing deeper. Next week is the quad screen...the second part of my integrated screen. I should hear by the following Monday/Tues. Ok, I say, I write these things down too. Then a break in the conversation happens and I say, I'm anxious about all this. She smiles and says, of course, everyone who works with sick babies has anxiety, you're NORMAL. I'm normal, I think? Ok, I repeat to myself as I leave, I'm normal!

14 weeks 5 days :)

A month has passed and I am still pregnant....I say that over & over to convince myself. Denial is a strong coping mechanism! The nausea is gone now and I feel like I recovered from a bout of the flu that lasted 6 weeks. My nuchal thickness was normal (another normal...it's beginning to sound more familiar) and I had all my pregnancy lab work drawn. I tried to convince them that I did not need my blood type drawn b/c the donor is A+, but they insisted...it doesn't matter what my blood type is, duh! My feet are beginning to swell, left greater than right but my BP is still good. Next doctor's appt is Monday, July 2...Mr. Tarheel is planning to go so he can meet Tracy. I had a nice visit back home to NC and loved seeing everyone. My next visit will be when I'm on maternity leave and I'll be taking the baby! Next milestone is the anatomy ultrasound during the week of July 23 @ 18 weeks.

Bye Bye Needles

The shots are over! Yip, Yip, Hoorah! After 85 days of needles with the last 51 being in the muscle (a literal pain in the a--), the shots are over. The sticky estrogen patches are off now too! My progesterone level today was 24.4--another Normal! What a relief...I went in for my first OB visit with Tracy this week...what a calm doctor she is. That's a whole post in itself, but I'll be having the integrated screen, which will be another ultrasound on 6/4 for nuchal thickness and a blood draw. They use this information, along with the quad screen later to determine risks for trisomy 21 & 18. With a 27 year old egg, the theoretical risk of trisomy 21 is 1: 1,150.

10 weeks today:)

Another Normal Report

It's been awhile...the Alaskan cruise was wonderful and I mostly enjoyed sleeping whenever I was tired. On Monday, we had another ultrasound at 9w2d and the 12 hours before were nail biters. I had spotting the night before, so I had lots of sleepless black thoughts going through my mind. Dr. Lin, came in & I told him, and he had a classic flat affect before the ultrasound. The first image was the heart beating---175 beats/min. The growth was normal and he said congratulations, aren't you excited? I guess I didn't look excited but did feel a ton of relief. Then I had that pesky thought that I have regularly as an infertile in a fertile world...you just don't get it! So I said, "When I see a live baby come out of me, I'll be excited." Silence. Mr. Tarheel broke the silence by asking about the chance of miscarriage...now 5% since normal growth is established. I know this is a step in the right direction, so of course I'm excited. But when your heart has been run over several times by an 18 wheeler, you just don't play chicken on the freeway!

70 Shots So Far

It's been a busy work week and prep for vacation next week. Mr. Tarheel, his parents, & some other family will be joining me on my first Alaskan cruise! I'm looking forward to no pager, no errands, no mowing, just beautiful scenery, good food, and to sleep whenever I want to. Yesterday at work, I was so tired after lunch that I said that I would rather get a beating than stay awake...now that shows a real Southerner talking! I stayed awake and like always, did my best, came home and went straight to bed.

My hips are getting pretty sore from the shots...Mr. Tarheel is counting them down with me...mainly b/c he has to wake up each morning in the middle of his sleep to give them to me. He doesn't mind, he says, but I would be a little irritated if I had to wake up in the middle of my sleep to give him a shot every day. We have 16 more to go....70 so far....

The next ultrasound in May 21, the day after our cruise ends....I'm 7w 5 d now & I'll be 9w 2d then. Fingers are crossed and prayers are constant to hear "normal" again...I won't write again until after the ultrasound b/c I won't be paying to use an internet on vacation:) I'm sure you understand...

Surprise of the night....Mr. Tarheel's parents arrive this afternoon and we haven't told them anything yet but we'll be telling them today....they will be VERY surprised!

A Beating Heart

Yesterday was our first ultrasound, at 6w5d. I counted down the 10 days from the last level. Mr. Tarheel & I jokingly told each other that we will be pregnant at least until Thursday. Dr. Thyer came in & we hadn't met her before. She said she was concerned about what we would find after reviewing my levels. On the inside, I was thinking, yeah, right, so am I...get on with it. The first image was the yolk sac, shaped interestingly like an egg...she zoomed in and said, we have an embryo with a beating heart! Let's measure...the measurement was 6w4d with a +- 5 day accurracy. I exhaled! She dopplered the heart rate...at 125--normal! She said if the initial levels had been normal, she would release me to the OB but since they weren't, let's monitor the growth in 2-3 weeks. Then quiet, reserved Mr. Tarheel & Dr. Thyer start talking/telling stories about kayaking and I know that he is super happy, b/c that's when he's the most talkative. You really know your spouse when you've been married 13 years! I loved calling my fan club with good news...YIPPEE.

I thought it through, I have been infertile for 10 years...that's 1/4 of my life...this is really going to be the change that I've been waiting for!

Another Broken Heart

Why, Why, Why, I scream inside...my sister Robin's level on Monday did not go up appropriately. One of the few times in life when I could say, "I know how you feel". When my 2nd level didn't go up very much, I thought this pregnancy wouldn't be healthy. Yesterday brought bad news, her level actually went down. This signals miscarriage and is so unfair. What do you say? No words can take away the searing knife in your heart and the sadness that spills out...I can't BE there to give her a hug:(

I revisit my losses, remembering the vivid details of each one, despite the years that have passed. The time period is cloaked with gray, a constant sadness, longing, and depression. It wasn't always a valley, but the valley was there in my heart. Time moves on and we process overwhelming things very slowly, like eating an elephant...one bite at a time. We don't know how it turns out here on earth, so we keep putting one foot in front of the other, sometimes faster than other times. We walk toward a very small flicker of light, the flicker of hope....

On our journey, we always have our Maker holding one hand, helping us along. The other hand is for our earthly helpers; different people who encourage us, listen, and are there to help to divide our pain and make it bearable.

Robin, take my hand, I'll help you along....

True Joy!

Yesterday, I received some great news! My sister, Robin, found out she was pregnant! Whooooohoooo! That was a Tarheel scream:) Hopefully, we will have our babies within 2 weeks of each other! Now how wonderful is that! Tucker and Trooper (her dog) have been waiting way too long to be big 4 legged brothers....Today, Mr. Tarheel & I are going out on the boat for the first time together. I'll let you know how it goes:) I'll be the brunette with all smiles out there today...

An Announcement from the Emergency Broadcast System

We interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you this UNC Basketball update....Brandan Wright has announced he will be eligible for the NBA draft. Coach Williams supports his decision b/c research has suggested he will be selected in the top 10. He is not going to sign with an agent at this point, so he is still eligible to come back to school if desired. http://tarheelblue.cstv.com/sports/m-baskbl/spec-rel/042307aac.html

Now let me imagine this was my decision: on one hand, start for the Tarheels with a great chance to be national champions next year or go make millions of dollars and sit on the bench during most games while trying to gain 50 pounds of productive muscle in 1 year? I'm back & forth but it would be a hard decision. Brandan is 6'9'' and weighs 205...he is going to get tossed around in there with the likes of Shaq until he bulks up but I know he can do it.....we'll miss him but like every year, fans like me, stand back up, brush off the dust, and keep going...always believing in our team!

Pregnancy update: I forget sometimes (denial can be good for coping) but I am still pregnant. 6 days until the 1st ultrasound, Thursday, 5/3 at 11:10am. Chris will be with me....a little pack to be together to hear whatever news comes our way. Cautious optimism is the mood but I dream of the day when I'll be holding my precious baby, hopefully!

Jumping for Joy

So today was the 4th HCG...48 hours after the 367. I had my cautious optimism all around me like a soft, fluffy cloud. I was calm, relaxed, and counted the hours down until the phone call. Lori, the nurse, said the wonderful words..."I have good news." The HCG was 815...it more than doubled in 48 hours....I jumped for joy & called Mr. Tarheel right away. Then I reverted into my #1 Tarheel fan mode...I screamed at the top of my lungs! The next step is a ultrasound on Thursday, May 5...I will be 6w5d and we should see a heart beat! All fingers & toes are crossed and there is much rejoicing happening! Thanks to all who have me in their thoughts and prayers! Today is a great day!

Stuck on a Roller Coaster

On Wednesday morning, I went in for my 2nd HCG level. There was no good news introduction to start out the afternoon call. At least Mr. Tarheel was here to hear...the level only went up to 169. I heard the words "don't be optimistic" as I felt the searing pain & cloud of darkness descend. This is a doubling time of 130 hours, way above the normal. Then I had to work days on Thursday and a long shift on Friday and had a repeat level done on Sat morning, 72 hours later. The level went up to 367, a doubling time of 66 hours! The afternoon call focused on "this is normal". I will be going for another level tomorrow after 48 hours...so cautious optimism is the mood for the day:)

Life-Jacket of Hope

Today was a short work day, a good day. I felt good & happy and happy & good. I felt a little emotional when I stopped by the nursing home to see my wonderful great-Aunt Kat. She is back from the hospital, recovered from pneumonia. I felt like crying there but held it together. I got home and felt very irritated for no good reason. Well, here are some reasons...Tucker, the big red dog has an issue w/ me taking him out to potty. He won't do his #2 business very easily. He just stands there, looking off into the distance & then sniffs and walks around. So he's probably constipated tonight, but he had his opportunity. Then all the dishes were piled up and that got on my nerves. Then there were dirty clothes piled up by the washer. That got on my nerves. Probably for no good reason! Then I went into the closet to get into jammies and lo, & behold, Mr Tarheel made it all better....he has hope...he has bought our baby something after only knowing for 1 day....guess what it is? A baby life-jacket. It's hanging right beside the miracle t-shirt in yesterday's post. Can you believe it? A baby life jacket....it's so CUTE! Hope expresses itself in many ways! I'll post a picture another day when I have more energy to take one:)

Grinning From Ear to Ear

I know some of you have been in the dark and some of you haven't...But all those in the Tarheel88 cheering section were whistling, clapping, jumping, dancing, and shaking pom poms (if they had them)today! That's because after years and years, Tarheel88 is pregnant! The first blood test today was 131--a very good, normal number. There will be another level done on Wednesday to make sure it's going up normally.

Months & months ago, I saw a baby t-shirt that represented my situation and I had to buy it. It has been hanging in the closet, in view, since then. This t-shirt meant hope..Hope that one day, there would be a newborn baby to wear it and like every baby, he/she would be a miracle. It reads "Miracle"....

Today was the beginning of a miracle...& I'm grinning from ear to ear! Now...don't worry, I'm going to turn the light on for all of you who thought I was only about basketball!...

There's More Than Basketball Happening in My Life

Basketball summary: Gator fans Gloat while Tarheel 88 starts count down to next season! My gloom has lifted and hope springs up...enough about basketball until later in the summer when the new schedule/roster is out. Tarheel88 did cheer for the Lady Heels in the Final Four! Congrats to Ivory Latta...a great role model in life & basketball. Set goals, work hard, and motiviate your team and your dreams will come true! Unfortunately, Tarheel88 had to mute another game when UNC lost to the eventual champion, powerhouse Tennessee. But once again, guess where the Duke gals were? At home, watching it on TV!!!!!! Just like their boy counterparts! As always, beating Duke & Duke losing in the tourney was a big highlight of my spring!

Now on to other matters...I'm going to use this blog to write about all the other parts of Tarheel88's life...& I would say that I am a very diverse southerner! The picture shows baby calf Winston taking a break from lunch! His Mom is giving me a dirty look too! We are down to 8 cows--YIPPEE! An appropriate herd for our modest 10 acres. We have 4 cows and 4 calves...2 girls, 2 boys! Our other bull is Big Kahona, born while we were in Hawaii! Our girls are Ruby & Rosie...b/c they are sweet red girls!

Tomorrow is a long awaited day...it's too long of a story for now. Just send good thoughts/prayers my way! Lots of fingers are crossed!

Tarheels Fall to Georgetown in Elite 8 :(

What excitement to begin the weekend with the comeback win over the USC Trogans! Oh to be so high & then fall so hard! Me, Tarheel88, wearing my blue wig and gameface glasses, screamed alot on Sunday afternoon. Screamed as each basket fell and as each Hoya fouled. Did you hear me in NC? Even Roy didn't take his glasses off during the first half! Then the end...the tragic end, when I had to mute the game & run to bury my head in my pillow. Even Tucker, the Tarheel dog, came to give a condolence lick. I couldn't watch as the shots didn't fall and the Hoya elation became nauseating. Don't worry, it's recorded and I'll be able to critique it later! Here's Adam Lucas' recreation of the walk back to the locker room....
http://tarheelblue.cstv.com/sports/m-baskbl/spec-rel/032507aab.html

The 2006-2007 season is over....I'll never see Reyshawn, Wes, & Dewey in that uniform again...a lump is forming in my throat. Don't cry boys! You'll be there every year, like Tarheel88, watching & living through the next team, & the next. They will always be YOUR team! Good luck with the rest of your life!

When people tell me this & that about my Heels...you know, the naysayers...I give a brief chuckle and say, it's OK...there's only 8 months left before the beginning of next season! I will always support my team, winning or losing. It's a proven fact that the year we won only 8 games, I still watched all the games (usually muted) and I'm no different when I believe we could be National Champions! Now that's what being a #1 fan is all about!

No, I didn't paint my body blue and run amongst the calves, wearing only my bathing suit! But I did ask anyone who would listen....Guess where Duke is right now? Guess what Coach K is doing? WATCHING US ON TV!

Go Tarheels!

Full of Madness

Here is newborn calf Ruby, born 2/28 and healthy. You're right, new calves aren't related to basketball but I wanted to show you that Tarheel88 does have other interests!

Now on to March Madness! One BIG issue for me is how CBS handles the tournament broadcasts. I actually WATCHED 4 out of 40 minutes of my Heels play the Eastern Kentucky Colonels. That is a one digit number...FOUR. I had to watch a ticker at the top of the screen, in fast forward as I watched DUKE LOSE & Xavier pull out a close one. Now, I could have listened on my computer (note for next time) but for half of the game, I was at Wild Ginger enjoying peppered scallops, duck, & Chilean sea bass! So hence, recording the games is a must. Mr. Tarheel saved me b/c there is only 100 hours of capacity and I was almost maxed out. Stop biting your nails...we won! & by a comfortable margin but they tried to make a comeback while we were playing sloppy (according to Roy)....& Tarheel88 didn't get to actually SEE it! I'm mad about more than one thing!

Next up, tomorrow we play the Michigian State Spartans with coach Tom Izzo. Hopefully, more of the game will be shown and I'll have some time at work in the hospital on the hill, overlooking the sound to watch. Stay tuned!

After 9 long years--ACC CHAMPIONS

Sorry about the hiatus Tarheel fans, but between working, watching basketball, computer problems, and birthing calves....Tarheel88 has been tied up! Rest assurred, I was THERE when Duke bit the dust and when the Ram snuck up and took the bite right out of the Wolfpack! What a game it was! Does that mean Sidney Lowe's red coat doesn't have good luck anymore?

It was a day to remember...cutting down the net in Tampa Bay...congrats to seniors Reyshawn Terry and Wes Miller! The memories will last forever! Best of all was the tenacity and heart demonstrated by Roy's boys...yes, yes, yes, they have the heart, talent, desire, and dream to go 6 out of 6 and be crowned National Champions in only 18 days!!!

(Confession by Tarheel88....when the brackets came out, there was some periodic breathing as espn.com loaded up on the screen...we must win more games than Ohio State, Georgetown, & Texas to make it to the final game. A knot developed in my throat and that night, I had a nightmare....we were playing the Hoya's in the Elite 8. Now what is a Hoya? We were behind, with enough time left. We sparked, 5' 11'' Ty Lawson drove in to the basket, Brandon was brilliant and we pulled ahead just before the end! The nightmare was over and I woke up in a sweat but happy!)

Next up...tonight we will play & beat Eastern Kentucky Colonels! Go Heels!